RIVIERA HASH TRASH CORSICA 2011
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Contessa & Padre
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Runners Trail- Friday 23rd September
Having arrived early on the Sunday we were able to able to notice that each time Perpetch went out to recce the run he returned more blooded than the day before. This filled me with a certain amount of foreboding, nevertheless, Friday came around and we set off with our allotted passengers in the car and drove the 9Ks to the run site. The first obstacle faced was parking the car with 4 backseat drivers.
So we set off on our run and found flour shortly with the usual FRB's Hairspray and Rugrat leading the way up the steep hill. We all should have known something was up when, as nearing the top, you see Hairspray standing waiting calling everyone up. Is this a thoughtful hasher ensuring the pack sticks together and everyone is safe? No. It's a false trail and being the true Scot that he is he wants to make damn sure we all do it as well. Back down the hill we go and the next part of the run is through the village itself which is almost as beautiful as the scenery surrounding it. There was some confusion due to a lack of flour as to where we were going and although we had Padre to guide us he also didn't have a clue in which direction we were meant to be heading. Eventually we found flour and we were back on track.
There were plenty of checks which kept the majority of the pack together, and some of us at the front (myself included-well there is a first for everything) were able to catch up with the walkers at their view stop-although this was very brief and I continued as Hairspray was now a mere dot in the distance and the ONON calls were getting weaker and weaker. Soon he had turned back having found a check and having followed several false trails we were at a bit of a dead end-or so it seemed. I asked whether he had checked up the steep incline of the mountainous hill we were running beside and the general consensus between most of the runners was that "surely, Perpetch wouldn't take us up there?" But why ever take the easy route and sure enough I found a small blob of flour between 2 thorny bushes and shouted "ON UP". And my goodness was it UP. I did hear one hasher mention as we made our way up this forever moving granite scree that apparently the hares had mentioned at the beginning of the run that there was one section of the run of about 150m where hashers may have some difficultly. When I had finally managed to find a large bit of rock to perch my backside on to rest I felt that this may have been a slight understatement and thought that surely, everyone else must be feeling the same as me? Only was it then that Generator made her way up talking away to someone behind her (or so I assumed), but as she neared I realised that she was describing the scenery around her and she was in fact on her mobile phone talking to her mother!! Being of the young age of 26 I decided that I had better get my arse into gear and get up this mountain side quick sharp with the energy of the mountain goat that I should have.
Once at the top, the rest of the run was much easier, although hilly and we made our way in dribs and drabs to the lunch stop where Skinny A and The Bag had put on an excellent spread, including dessert!! Thankfully Padre did the manly thing and ran down to the village to collect more water as, and I quote, The Bag said "vegetarians need more water" which must be true as I was quite thirsty! After it was a short walk back to the cars and we made our way to the resort for the circle.
Walkers Trail- Friday 23rd September
As the runners set off right, us walkers set off left towards the village, led by Merry Dick. The more downhill the route went, the more worried I became as "What goes down, must come up". And I wasn't wrong. We did see en route the path plateau and we were able to take a moment to watch the local train as it curved its way round the bend in the hills. Lots of oohs and ahhs ensued.
We carried on until we got to an FRB sign on the road; we were not there for long when an FRB in the form of Hairspray indeed flew past. Following in hot pursuit was Kwai Bungy!!! * see below
Merry Dick decided to have a photo opportunity at this point before we turned tail and headed back up the road. Flat was not for long. There was a hill in front of us and with a sick feeling in my stomach, and a tighter grip on my sticks, realisation dawned that it had to be climbed. We staggered and gasped our way up the hill. The chapel, our destination, was in sight!
Suddenly, in front of us, Skinny A and The Bag came into view, stopped and Pissoles (who later received a down down for practising a heart attack) emerged. Like a mirage. The walkers made their way up the steps to the chapel for another photo opportunity. That seen we went and waited for the runners at the lunch stop. That FRB, second arrival, Kwai Bungy, arrived in some state of disrepair. Perhaps front running is not her scene.
After a delicious lunch prepared by Skinny A and The Bag - how do they do it - a gentle mosey down the hill back to the car park and the cars.
The Circle and Down Downs Given:
The circle was opened by Padre who had a gift for the first person who admitted that they were a Leo- Perpetch was the first with his hand up having recently celebrated his 60th birthday. He received a Lion key ring- a timeless piece I think we can all agree.
A down down for Skinny A and The Bag was given for their excellent lunch and the service provided.
Sinex, Farty Bum, Confusion, Sex Club and Perpetch were reprimanded for turning up without their mugs- Shame on you all!!
Mad Max received, not one, but two for not wearing hash gear and then for wearing a hat in the circle.
Hairspray got a down down of Limoncello for being an FRB, this being very apt since he was very drunk the night before due to a bottle of Limoncello being opened (although rumour has it there were other alcoholic beverages involved, but I can neither confirm, or deny this).
Hairsprays other half, Rugrat was also put forward for a down down for being a Shortcutter and running through a false check.
The Virgins James and Isobel (now aptly named Barking Mad) had a joint down down using the sewer pipes on their arms, there was much confusion and waving of said arms when neither knew exactly what the other was meant to be doing, but we got there in the end.
The circle closed with a high speed rendition of Swing Low lead by Padre.
25 September 2011
Hares: Padre and Prestressed
Assemblage took place at Belambra car park on another prodigiously sunny day and the runners and walkers embarked in their cars for the trip to the starting point in the nearby village of Occhiatana.
Happily Mad Max had changed his shirt. The Hares' instructions to "look out for the people coming behind you", though open to misinterpretation, resulted in everyone arriving there safely.
The trail led off on a series of intersecting spirals through the village before heading off downhill. Lost Deposit and Lonely managed to detach themselves at this stage and had to be retrieved by the ever-mindful hare, Padre.
The runners' trail wound along cyclamen-encrusted lanes with frequent false trails before reaching the valley floor. The walkers trail was marked with prominent Ws which caused two problems- first this seemed to be unusually attractive to wild boars as some of the marks mysteriously disappeared (this was Prestressed's theory ) and second those runners who weren't already confused found Ws on the running trail confusing. Despite the walking trail being interrupted by Merrydick at frequent intervals for photo opportunities the walkers arrived at the Gin/Beer stop before the runners and their FRB, Hairspray. This stop was at Belgodere Railway station where the hares had arranged top-class lounging facilities which were enjoyed vigorously by Turnip Tits and the visiting Isobel. There was also scope for fans of silent movies to lie on the railway tracks although they risked assault from the hyper-testeronic Hairspray. Suitably anaesthetised the pack then set off on the second leg of the trail which, after crossing a Genoese bridge, went somewhat predictably uphill to the lunchstop at the village of Belgodere where once again the walkers somehow arrived first. Once more the relaxing facilities were top-notch with Turnip Tits (again) using them adeptly. Lunch on the panoramic terrace was deemed a gastronomic success but eventually it was time for the leg back to Occhiatana., or rather the legs because there was a runners' trail, a walkers' trail, and another walkers' trail which appeared to go mostly on the runners trail as well as another walkers' trail which consisted of going back in a car. The first and last of these walking trails were both uneventful and convivial. The runners' trail started with a loop through the village before descending into the valley where the pack encountered a group of extremely friendly locals with Alsatians and Saturday Night Specials who helpfully pointed out the trail which at this point turned through 90 degrees. The pack then encountered a highly ingenious piece of shiggy which looked like a rather large muddy puddle. This however proved impossible to take at speed as Padre and Oxymoron found out, emerging not just wet and muddy but smelling of the wild boars who had wallowed there in the days before. After the runners and walkers on the running trail had staggered back to the cars the absence of Sex Club was noted and a search strategy put in place. She was detected by the Irish car on the main road where she was being driven by a passing family having been spooked by the Corsicans and their Alsatians. Her joy at this rescue was sadly shortlived; just as she was getting into Sadist's car for the ride back to Belambra, the (aptly-named) Sadist drove off.
The Circle started on the beach and went from bad to worse. The Hares' song somehow had to be restarted by Merrydick. The RA, Perpetual Motion, then administered Down-Downs as follows:
Sinex and the Bag - sartorial excess
Oxymoron - checking the railway timetable before lying down on the track
Blue Suit - taking his acting role as a king through to everyday life.
Blue Suit and No Satisfaction - majestic performances the night before
Spunk Bubble - use of the screwdriver in dismantling the picnic tables
Padre Oxymoron, Turnip Tits and the RA - finding the shiggy
At this point Pissoles took over as RA and administered a few more Down-Downs:
Merrydick - losing his tripod
Cellular Sex - worrying that Merrydick had lost his tripod
Paedo Phil, Rugrat and Hairspray - crossing false trails
Hairspray and Rugrat, Spunk Bubble and Turnip Tits - horizontal hashing at the lunch stop
The Down-Downs were interrupted by Padre and Knee Trembler attempting unsuccessfully to set up a pipe and condom to administer Down-Downs. These continued for
Hairspray - over-aggressive interrogation of Fruit Machine
Knee Trembler - unspecified horniness
Biggles and Mad Max - laptop abuse
Sadist - cruelty to Sex Club (see above)
At this point both RAs had completely lost control of the circle but further Down-Downs were given to
Generator - bullshitting about why she went for a swim rather than coming to the Circle
Pissoles - bad singing
There then followed the naming ceremony for the Hash Virgin Isobel. While waiting for Prestressed to produce the flour, Isobel treated the Circle to a spectacular and spontaneous display of handless water drinking. A suitable name for Isobel to take with her back to Hamburg was discussed at great length and Totally Barking was felt to be the best fit for her. As Padre somewhat carefully performed the Naming Ceremony, Totally Barking appeared to undergo some sort of intense emotional experience. It was impossible to follow this with anything meaningful so the Circle closed.
2 October 2011
A week ago I'd never even heard of the 'Hash House Harriers' or what 'Hashing' was. Never knew about "ON ON", "Check", "DOWN DOWN", "ON DOWN", ON UP", the Circle, false trails, or scratched legs while climbing mountains.... However 4 - 5 days hanging out with these guys soon changed all that.
It was really quite a sight seeing 40 or so Hashers hobbling round after a walk/run meeting up at the beer stop, everyone with a pretty good idea there was likely to be a steeper hill to come. Though this didn't seem to matter, conversations that had obviously sprung up while walking or running next to a fellow Hasher seemed to take on a new life with a COLD beer and chicken sandwich in hand.
For me the Hash became an entirely different beast once at the Circle... Where elbows were pointed and beers were downed and individual acts of Hash debauchery were brought squirming out into the warm Corsican afternoon light. Between all the little rules and songs of the Circle, for a virgin hasher, was great fun but only wish I could have taken more participation... I'll have to save up for a book of rugby songs and start revising.
As everyone's blood began to thin out more and more in their alcoholstreams throughout the evening, it came as quite a surprise to me that 40odd pensioners could generate more drama than Neighbours, Home & Away and East Enders put together in a single week! Great stuff!! That, put between side shows, dress-ups, jokes and songs, it brought back memories of school days mischief, and was great to be a part of, albeit not quite fitting into the demographic. It was great to see that people from all sides of the tracks, and all ages, can come together and play on even terms and have fun doing it.
So as my blisters and liver (and sanity) slowly repair themselves, I'd love to thank all the Hashers for 'gently' introducing me to the rabble, and putting on a fine display of what the Hash is really all about.
James no name.
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R*n 684: NEXT HASH 30 -Oct
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