"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..

The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference.


TOTTI;  What you missed !




After dinner we all gathered in the dark on the steps of the hotel, waiting to start our Friday evening walk.  Sadist came down in his white dressing gown.  Now, you see dozens of people walking around the hotel in these white dressing gowns, at all moments of the day and even at night, but you don’t see anyone wearing them out in the streets, so of course Sadist looked a little odd, like a pervert, maybe, or like he had just escaped from a mental hospital.  But we were all too polite to say anything.{Since when, none of us thought he looked like a lunatic, odd or pervert, Ed}


Fairy Plunger’s brother, Walter (soon to be baptised “Flasher”) was raring to go and bubbling over with joy and enthusiasm (perhaps he had also had a bit to drink). {What do you mean,"Perhaps"? His sole motive for the weekend was to have too much to drink. Ed. } As soon as we started to walk he threw his arm around Long & Hard’s neck, {See, I told you he had too much to drink. Ed.} and burst into song.  Don’t remember the first song he sang, but the second was “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”, and the third one was “If I Were the Only Boy in the World, and You Were the Only Girl.”


We crossed the street and turned left and walked down the sidewalk,(pavement) with Mudwrestler out in front leading the way, and Hashers strung out in a very long line behind her.  The ones at the front could not see the ones at the back ,{Of course they couldn't see them. They were behind them !Ed.} they were so far away, and these were only the first minutes of the trail!  Flasher was still singing all along this street.{Maybe that is why they were so far away? Ed.}


Then we turned to the right and walked down a street with bushes planted down the centre line, I think.  (Everything looks so different at night.)  We crossed over to a park and walked around a pond with a lot of cute baby swans swimming near the bridge.  Mudwrestler was still leading the way. It was around here that someone made a comment about Sadist’s outfit, and one Hasher replied, “If the police stop him, we’ll just tell them he’s with us”, and another Hasher cried, “Oh no we won’t!”  By now Walter / Flasher had switched over to limericks, and of course Padre joined in, and the quality of the limericks quickly descended below gutter level. {That is the problem when you let these drunks from Surrey H3 participate. Ed.}



Then more sidewalk, and we arrived at that big beautiful spa.  Andrea, (Soon to be named Duchess of Cambridge) wanted to take us inside, but there was a concert going on just inside the front door – a man playing the flute, another man playing an accordion, and a third person playing something else, which we couldn’t see because of the sign.  Just before or after this Chris No Name stopped to take some money out of a bank machine, and we never saw him again. 


We seemed to lose a lot of people around here, when the trail led across a big grassy area.  The ones at the back all kind of melted away.  There were some huge trees that someone thought might be redwoods, and Padre "went"  behind one.  { Allegedly for a closer look at the bark formation, Ed.}


We arrived at the beer stop – a much smaller party than when we had set out.  Of the beer stop, I remember Cum Puss talking about her experiences in Australia with snakes, crocodiles and giant spiders.  Why people choose to go to Australia, when Canada has none of these nasty beasts, I will never understand.{The surfs and wine is better and there are more Hashes. And much, much, warmer Ed.}


Apparently Farty Bum was back in the north of Canada last winter visiting family and sent Mad Max a text saying, "windows frozen". He replied, "Pour on hot water".


She texted back, Computer completely F*cked now "!


Suddenly Sinex, the Bag, and Cellular Sex arrived, having just driven into town from Milan, and the beer stop livened up quite a bit.   It was starting to get a little chilly out now, and the ones who hadn’t brought jackets were wishing they had.


Padre told me just five lines would be enough, so this is all I will put.  Wanted to say something about Likk’mm, but unfortunately I can’t remember anything newsworthy that he (or any of the other visitors) said that night. {You could have told us all about your experiences, in Norway, with him ! Ed.}



After this pleasant stroll, and we were ready to go to bed.{Apart from the usual hardcore suspects who demolished quite a few more beers, bottle of Champagne and a bottle of Gin. Ed.}


I went back to the hotel to try out some of the Spa services; I located the sex therapist and she told me that the most effective way to arouse your man to spend ten minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it is bollocks!


Farty Bum tells me she learned a new Italian word. "Bigamist",

Apparently Tutti Frutti told her it was Italian for Fog.




Saturday's experiences; Run No.709




'The aperitivo opens a meal, and it is similar to an appetiser. Most people gather around standing up and have alcoholic/non-alcoholic drinks such as wine, prosecco, champagne or spumante'


The 15.00 run began promptly at 14.30 as planned by The Duchess of Cambridge (DOC) to-be who was clearly worried we would run out of time for the Hash-tastic feast that was to follow.


So prompt were we, that Sadist was nearly still in his dressing gown from the promenade around the town the previous evening (see above) but luckily, he had changed in time and we were spared a sight resembling Noel Coward on the way to a toga party.


The motley group included the usual RHHH stalwarts, plus CumsQuicker who had decided that this run would be challenging enough for her to grace us with her presence.


New member Chucker Fukker also braved the trip, who had spent at least 24 hours in the spa and looked worryingly fit (see picture).












Contessa was sadly indisposed ; doubtless she had taken to her bed with a hot CoCo. Also, Madame Mouton stayed at home to look after her pussy which is rumoured to have eaten the Hare raisers notebook.


We were also joined by the rump (no insult intended Cellular Sex!) of the Royal Milan and Bordighera Hash for whom Salsomaggiore was almost local being only 90 minutes from Milan.


RMBH refugees and professional flyers Synex and The Bag had arrived the previous night.




Unfortunately they had pre-booked a flight from London's new airport on the Thames aka Boris Island. The runway on the Thames not being quite ready meant a flying boat had to be taken out of mothballs. Luckily, so had Synex! and he was on hand for the pre-flight checks.


The Bag performed her own checks and ensured that the drinks trolley was extra full of gin. And then emptied.


A contingent of Swiss Hashers also joined us, with Likk'm having chosen our Hash from one of four events he had planned for the weekend. We were honoured by his attendance, thought apparently nobody else would have him.




'The antipasto is a slightly heavier starter. It is usually cold (not in all cases) and lighter than the first course. Affettati (sliced meats), charcuterie, salami, hams (salami, mortadella, Parma ham), cheeses (mozzarella, scamorza), sandwich-like foods (panini, bruschette), vegetables (aubergines, courgettes, carrots, potato salads), cold salmon or prawn cocktails are examples of foods eaten; more elaborate dishes are occasionally prepared'

The pack staggered off (sprinted off surely?) following one blob of flour for 2k through the town. It soon became clear that the Hares were testing a new method of trail laying where they live hared from the rear of the pack.

 As we reached the outskirts it became apparent that if all roads lead to Rome, Rome must be on a great sodding big hill as all the trails out of town went up. And more up. The FRBs, Perpetual Motion, CumsQuicker, Mean Streak and Hans-Off soon found themselves looking for flour at the top of a particularly steep ascent. None was to be found.. Thinking that this was a continuation of the Zen-style trail at the start of the run, they kept going and going.... sans farine (that means 'without sense' in French)

The traditionalists returned to the previous check to find Padre grinning near a newly laid arrow. Apparently the locals had been frantically removing trail overnight as the symbols were clearly satanic in nature and whose very presence could have summoned an overwhelming Gypsy occupation.


Exclusive pictures of non-existent  gypsy-hasher invasion of Italy!!





Fears that this was turning into a spaghetti trail were soon put at rest as the runners completed a half Gispert loop, with a twist, to arrive at the 1st beer stop. A full Gispert loop was abandoned due to time constraints or else the lost runners may still have been on the trail-with-no-flour even now.

The trial climbed and climbed though rolling hills and farms so quaint and picturesque only EU grants could be keeping them going.


'A primo is the first course. It consists of hot food and is usually heavier than the antipasto, but lighter than the second course. Non-meat dishes are the staple of any primo: examples include risotto, pasta, soup and broth, gnocchi, polenta, crepes, casseroles, or lasagnas'

Regrouping at the 1st beer stop, which had spectacular views in all directions. Yes, it was at the top of a bloody big hill! Our efforts were rewarded with sham-pagne, chocolate and gin. It was a strange cocktail but worked well.

Long and Hard, and Gerard, marshalled the (very) unwilling for several photo-shoots. It was like a herding cats before bath-time. We look forward to the results.{ Multiple, wet pussies, spring to mind here,Ed.}








Since we were on top of a hill the only way was down. Which was good, The runners and walkers shared the trail down with only very devious false trails to keep the hyper athletic (arthritic?) runners from lapping the walkers.


'A secondo is traditionally the heartiest course, sometimes called the piatto principale or the main meal. Foods consumed in this course include different meats and types of fish, including turkey, sausage, pork, steak, stew, beef, zampone, cod (baccala), salmon, lobster, lamb, chicken, or a roast'


A second special beer stop helped hold the runners back and we were also diverted to a memorial to the inventor of Garibaldi  biscuits hidden in the trees. At this point Likk’mm, Bold Fokker and Tongue Job  decided running across fields with no flour, was again, the hare's secret intention. It must be a Swiss thing... or a Dutch thing.

Lonely was last seen charging down the hill attempting to single handedly scale the battlements of  Salsomaggiore castle (that was just the post office! - ed) only to be blocked by the moat Who knew the spirit of Don Quixote was amongst us? Wiser heads returned to the beer stop and actually followed the trail...

Formaggi e Frutta

An entire course is dedicated to local cheeses and fresh fruit. The cheeses and fruit will be whatever is typical of the province one is in. Naturally, the fruit is whatever is in season at the moment.

Descending steeply down (opposed to descending steeply up) into Salsomaggiore we were welcomed to the house of the DoC soon to be ex-friends Antonio & Pia. They had been tricked into believing they were being visited by an international cultural committee. Instead they were treated to their patio being coated in flour and beer. And worse.

The full frontal nudity of Flasher was explained as an homage to Prince Harry and the singing of Hash songs a tribute to Italian Opera.

It was a full and frank circle with many down-downs and three namings. Andrea, the instigator of this spectacular was named the Duchess of Cambridge which must make his sister Manuela  'Pippa' by implication if not yet officially.

'Pippa' must be commended for driving  the blood wagon ready to pick up the weak and feeble in a vehicle adorned with tinsel and with a sign 'HASH' on the window. This didn't cause a problem with the local plods as they were too busy on the hunt for the non existent gypsies.

Davide was named Tutti-frutti and also kindly helped with the Duchess of Cambridge's naming, though he needed the procedure demonstrated several times. Padre showed him three or four times with at least a bag of flour on the DoC's head and a gallon (UK) of beer.

Gordon became Flasher. I'm sure Fairy Plonger will agree with me that Flasher should attend as many of these events as possible. There's nothing like seeing your brother show off his knob to your friends.

Also, our illustrious leader, Perpetual Motion, made a point of order.  Did we have right to name a visitor from another Hash?



A little espresso-sized cup of dark coffee which would be consumed for the caffe in an Italian meal. Coffee is often drunk at the end of a meal, even after the digestivo.

Italians, unlike many countries, do not have milky coffees or drinks after meals (such as Cappucino or Caffe macchiato), but strong coffee-drinks such as espresso, which is often drunk very quickly in small cups at very high temperatures.


Words can't express(o) how enjoyable this day and weekend  was so 'mille grazie' to the  DoC, his ex-friends, Padre and the visiting Hashers who always make these away weekends so memorable.


The digestivo, also called ammazzacaffŹ if served after the coffee, is the drink to conclude the meal. Drinks such as Grappa, Amaro, Limoncello or other fruit/herbal drinks are drunk. Digestivo indicates that the drinks served at this time are meant to ease digestion after a long meal.



Hares and Helpers:  Padre, Andrea NN, Davide NN (local hare), Antonio & Pia (parents of Davide, hosted the circle in their home), Manuela (sister of Andrea)

For looking demented, wearing a white bathrobe  all around town on Friday night’s trail:  Sadist  (also something about Andrea being a control freak for trying to get Sadist to change into something less weird)

For offering his wife a “romantic” gift of a (discarded, I think) i-pod:  Bold Fokker

Hijacking:  Mudwrestler  (hijacking what?)

Visitors:  Spunk Bubble (Sweden), S&M and Cellular Sex (Milan), Likk’mm, Mean Streak & Hans Off (Switzerland), Bold Fokker & Tongue Job (Holland), Bootsey & Lonely, Gordon NN, Sinex & The Bag (UK)Chukker Fukker (Germany, but now Riviera)

Spillage:  Long & Hard

Bugging People about hash names:  Andrea NN

SONG BREAK:  Sinex led us in “Hey Joe, are you busy?”, about working in the button factory


Davide: TUTTI FRUTTI (other suggestions:  Twelve pack, No Strings Attached, RoboFlop)

Andrea:  DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE (other suggestions: Cross Dresser, LadyBoy)

Gordon:  FLASHER (other suggestions:  Pavarotti, Cheap Sleep)

For doing athletic stretches before the run:  Gerard

Running only to impress:  Fairy Plunger

Doing their own personal trails:  Perpetual Motion and Spunk Bubble

Having a big camera (like a 40-inch television screen):  Long & Hard,  also Tongue Job for her i-pod

For disparaging each other (If I’d known HE was coming, I’d’ve stayed home):  Mean Streak and Likk’mm

Birthday (presented with an electric tit from Padre):  Likk’mm

For wearing a Mallakka T-shirt, without even going to Malaysia:  Chris NN (Flasher)

Enticing Padre into her bedroom to “start the electricity” / turn him on:  Virgin Mouth

Appreciation gifts:  Antonio (t-shirt), Pia (cap), Tutti Frutti (XXL t-shirt)

For finding something “long & thin” at the Botanical Gardens:  Lonely  (it was a butterfly Hibiscuss) presented with a drinking straw in the shape of a penis

For ensuring the hash gods delivered good weather:  Padre



Sunday Morning, Run 710

La dolce vita

Another beautiful morning greeted us in Salsomaggiore as we headed to the start of the 'Hare of the Dog' run. This time the hares felt sorry for us and we were bussed to start, a few hundred metres above the town.

A few pre-run beers to get us going as well as a few cracks of the whip from S&M. Her preparation for the run included couple of fags (not the US variety).

Pre-run fags, beer and flagellation: a truly Olympian preparation for the event.

Chris NN (now Gorgeous Edna) won the prize for sartorial elegance unbecoming on a Hash by wearing his Panama hat throughout all runs.




The trail was in the same general area as the previous day but the run was through more downland and less farmland. Though there was the same 'upland' to help blow the cobwebs out from the night before. C More Pussy came well prepared as ever wearing her outdoor, mountain slippers.

No beer-stop was needed for this sprint trail and given that, again, much of the trail had been removed overnight, the fact that we didn't lose anyone was remarkable.

This time, the Carabinieri had been called by fearful locals that the strange markings on the pavements that had appeared under the cover of broad daylight had marked them out for a visit from gypsies or worse, EU farm inspectors.

In spirit of fair play and democracy, Padre marked every house with our mysterious symbols on the 'in trail'.

Share the love!

Back at the circle, Paedophil played some stirring music by the Italian maestro Beethoven. He also served a local specialty drink: gin and tonic. We closed the circle by singing the Italian national anthem, "On the Good Ship Venus".

I think we ticked all the cultural sensitivity boxes there.

Sunday Down-downs

Hares:  Duchess of Cambridge, Tutti Frutti (in absencea) & Manuela (what about Padre?? - ed)

Falling asleep and missing food:  Fairy Plunger

RH3 Badges to visitors:  Cellular Sex, Bootsie, Lonely, Tongue Job, Bold Fokker, Spunk Bubble, Mean Streak, Hans Off, Likk’mm, S&M, Sinex, The Bag

For saying that Padre’s, posh shoes, looked like “a load of plastic bags tied together”:  The Bag

For saying Padre’s shoes were “gay”:  Sinex

Noble beyond the call of duty:  Val, wife of Chris NN, for complaining that she had to pack bags before the run

For taxi / “blood wagon” services, and beer wagon services: Manuela and Paedo.

(When Paedo drank very slowly, saying he didn’t mind being “beaten by a woman”, S&M stepped out with her whip and said, “Oh, yeah?”)

For announcing that the TOTTI hash was his “third choice” for this weekend:  Likk’mm

For letting Likk’mm come (and believing it when Likk’mm put his real name as “Samson Nite”):  Duchess of Cambridge.

For wearing a condom on his head in the spa sheep dip, and complaining that the condoms were not the right size:  Sadist

For wearing another T-shirt he is not entitled to wear:  Flasher

TOTTI from a virgins perspective !

I will tell you the TuttiFrutti point of view.

Lot of people. Cannot pair every funny surnames with every face, but, eh, it's written from the outside.
The most incredible and most crazy group of people I've ever met, and I'm sure it is the craziest group that has ever landed in Salsomaggiore; except maybe those who came for the beat festival in September.
(Tutti Frutti; We did not have access to the same drugs.)

Running problems: you guys have serious running problems...I am 29 years and I cannot run because of my feet but in your crew even the weakest member has tried to walk....this really impressed me much.

Serious drinkers: serious drinkers!!?! I would say professional drinkers! No more than half a hour spent without drinking....that's impressing too.

This is such a great way to travel, meeting friends or adding new people to the Circle....the Circle! Let's talk about the Circle.
I have to be honest: I did some research when An...oops...when the Duchess of Cambridge (hihi) and Padre came here the first time to prepare the weekend in August, so I knew more or less what I had to expect, but I didn't imagine to have so much fun at the Circle.
At the start of the run I looked at everyone's shoes because I knew that new shoes means drinking beer from those shoes...nobody looked like having new shoes...too bad!

Anyway the flavour and the beer used to baptise the new members....that's crazy too! Especially it was fun when I baptised the Duchess of Cambridge. Less fun he did the same on me!!
I saw my mother looking at your faces trying to catch some information of what was happening, she was a little bit confused but she laughed a lot and made me very happy. 
Thanks for this.

In Italy it's not so easy to find group like these....normally you can see retired people quarrelling about politics or about the soccer game drinking white wine (the so called "bianchino") at the bar.

Who was it I was in discussion with, an Italian, and they said, "My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I do not have a Ferrari" !

Keep on running!





 Sorry to disappoint you Tutti Frutti but you have made a big mistake regarding our drinking.

One of the big problems we had during organising the event was a location for the always open bar and therefore the opportunity to obtain a beer / drink was severely curtailed.

Consumption was considerable lower at this event than on previous weekends.

Padre offers his sincere apologies for any suffering experienced by attendees.

And remember.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.