RIVIERA HASH TRASH 823
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NEXT RUN N°824 11/9/2016
R*N REPORT N° 823 28/8/2016
50 Shades of Smut
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Hares; Dirty Dingus and Iron Lady
Venue; Roquebrune sur Argens
Scribe; Phylis Stein
Last of the Summer Whine?
Or, Two Metric Cases of Beer nearly equals a Big Whine.
Before starting out Perpetual Motion, our illustrious Grand Master, called for a period of silent reflection to remember the recent passing of one of our long term members; Jangle Balls. Our thoughts and condolences go to Sneaky Bastard as he now faces the future without his long term partner.
Dirty Dingus stood in at short notice as the Running Hare to assist Iron Lady.
He decided that he would do away with the trip down into the Var on the Saturday and then lay it just before we arrived. He figured it would save him a lot of time and if he could do it twice on a Sunday morning it should be about the right length for the pack. He arrived, all sweaty, carrying his sack of flour, into the car park from our left which gave us a clue as to the direction of our circuit. Mme. Mouton was not with us due to the excessive heat and was last seen on the beach in Cannes protesting about the Burkini Ban.
The photograph below is just pure coincidence.
See Down Downs to see who it actually is.
A small but perfectly formed pack of runners and some walkers were sent on their way with the special instructions to follow the flour and not to run where there wasn't any. Except that a false trail might not have a cross but only one blob of flour? Perfectly clear that was then. Sounded a bit of a blonde explanation to me. A bit like................
A struggling blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it just died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The Blonde asks, "What's the problem?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
A gentle stroll out of the car park, mainly to give Cumalot the chance to be a front runner, closely followed by Cums Quicker. Or was it the other way around? Does not make much difference as they were both behind me after the first check. I think they may have read too much into Dingus earlier arrival into the car park and started their anticlockwise movement too soon.
We amble around on the level, in between the houses and wonder when we are going to start the "Up," bit. Pimple is convinced he is on the right trail, through the village, past the bus stop,(It is here I am reminded of the riddle; What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex. Answer; A bus shelter.)with Padre following him until they are both called back and sure enough the up commences. At this point Dingus was being kind to us. A bit of up and then some level, then a bit more up followed by a flat bit. Time to get you breath back on each level section before the next assault on the up bit.
The pack staying more or less together with some experienced short cutting and Tom, a viciously walking virgin, keeping up with the front runners much to the annoyance of The Pilchard who was under the impression he was running. It later transpired he was a serious international cyclist just one step below Chris Froome and was winding down preparing for a three week race. He did tell me the statistics but my brain refused to register them due to a shortage of oxygen. I do remember he said Emma Pooley won the women's race last time out. Wooooooooohhhhhhhhhh, serious!
Here is one, just for him.
A series of sneaky checks keep the pack together until we hit the area just below the red rocks. Well apart from Perpetual Motion who was feeling short on mileage and disappeared down false trails to his hearts content. I am sure he was doing it on purpose. He eventually caught us up as we were running in what was was a dried up river bed and the sand was slowing the heavy weights down. It was a bit of a scramble to find our way onto the lave flow plateau but we managed without too much blood loss. (See Down Downs, Ed.) Fortunately, Sadist was short cutting below on the walkers trail or we would have needed the Flying Doctor for a blood transfusion. Blood group, "O", Merlot positive.
If you have ever driven the A8 Peage you will have some idea of what is coming but you will have no idea of the heat absorbed and stored by those rocks. This is where the whining really commenced. If you thought the whining through the bush was bad you should have heard it here.
Boy was it hot. The hottest day of the year and we are traversing the Sauna rocks. It would have been a welcomed choice if we were offered a quick walk across a fire pit. Cums Quicker was distracted by a bunch of pricks, (No not us, Ed.) and then spent the next few hours trying to pull the cactus spines out of her leg.
Prestessed said the last time he traversed these rocks he did it in half the time and it was not this bad.
He forgot to mention he was twenty years younger then though. Padre said he was hallucinating and told me to think about the fact that in 40 years time there would be thousands of little old ladies with wrinkly skin running around with gross tattoos to take my mind off the pain.
And for those of you with a little knowledge of current affairs...........He (Who was it, Ed? ) said his wife left him last week, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I have been using the powdered stuff"."
The view from near the top was stunning and I nearly said it was worth the agony of the scramble up. I suppose it was really and it was just a pity Spanish Fly never made it up any higher than base camp or you would have had the photographs to prove it. Dirty Dingus did take some photographs so maybe he will post them.
I asked him where Sud Sucker was and he said she was doing her Japanese thing..............................
I am not saying this is what she was doing but......................................too tired to Hash?
Mind you they do start their training young in that part of the world............................
What about 'elf and Safety? No safety harness, no steel capped boots, hard hat, or high visibility vests in sight, anywhere.
The most beautiful sight from the top was the view of the Beer Car nestled in the layby below. That was the fastest the pack had moved all morning. All that haste and no key to the car to be found. We have to wait for Cums Quicker to arrive with that. (You sure about the name, Ed?)
Beer stop over and the second half commenced with the executive decision to cut it short due to the heat and a straight run, of about 2km., along the road, ensued, much to everyones relief, especially Padre who looked to be suffering. Perpetual Motion was looking worried as he thought he may be called upon to administer first aid at some point. So, Dirty Dingus got it about right. Two hours for us to do the trail once and three hours for him to do it twice and walking with Tom. (Yes, but he knew where he was going, Ed.)
As we drifted in, back at the start we were met by Sinex and The Bag who had timed their arrival to perfection. Too late to do the trail and early enough to explain to the Sapeur Pompiers why Hashers were running (running Ed?) in an out of bounds area due to the high fire risk.
They were given a lecture and free pamphlet explaining the dangers of going off Piste as a souvenir of their trip. And then decided it was too dangerous to come in and escort us out. (They would never have caught up with those athletes,Ed.)
These were awarded or earned by the following;
Hares; Dirty Dingus and Iron Lady,
Picking up a load of pricks; Cums Quicker,
Birthdays; Spanish Fly, GoGo, and Cums Quicker,
Late Cumming; Sinex and The Bag,
Leavers; Go Go and Tom "The Virgin." joined by the other token Aussie Pimple as they sung the Bunbury Hash Song,
(Where is Smelly Pooh when we need her, Ed?)
And we responded by singing the Internationally known song in response, "All Australians are Born Illegitimate."
Retired Hare and missing her Antipodean Hash; Iron Lady,
Nearly causing an international dispute; Sinex. (Insulting Kiwis)
Buying metric quantities of Beer instead of British quantities. For those of you that do not know a Metric case of Beer is 10. A British case is twenty four unless there is the possibility to buy a bigger case, in which instance the larger case takes precedence. (It was a close run thing. One more runner and she would have been nominated as S.O.T.W. for running out of beer. Ed.)
Protesting the Burkini Ban and being stopped by the police for being dressed on a nudist beach; Iron Lady. (See above, Ed.)
??????; (I can not read my notes and can not remember) Padre, Dirty Dingus and Iron Lady, In need of rehydration; Perpetual Motion and The Pilchard,
Outstanding in her field (Nearly) Stand in Beer Master; Cums Quicker,
The Sadist Bleeder Award; Jointly given to Prestressed, Pimple and Dirty Dingus. (I think Dirty Dingus should have been disqualified as he did the trail twice, Ed.)
Shit of the Week; Nominations to Perpetual Motion and Cums Quicker; And the winner, Cums Quicker for being the last one to the beer stop with the car keys and leaving the second set in the car in case she lost the first set.
So, there we have it, the Last of the Summer Whine.
We have a few runs respite now before the Winter Whining starts.
Just remember you could be Hashing, in Ireland, in the summer and have some of this.
Taken last week, Phd on the right, Keen Knickers in Red and not sure who the Mud Wrestler is.
Thank you Hares for and interesting Sauna run with a variety of terrains to suit all tastes.
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 824: NEXT HASH 11 - Sep