RIVIERA HASH TRASH 798
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NEXT RUN N°799 27/9/2015
R*N REPORT N° 798 13/9/2015
WALKERS' REPORT 798
50 Shades of Smut
Hash directions should go firstname.lastname@example.org
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The omens for r*n 798 were not good.
A biblical storm was predicted, and duly arrived, early Sunday morning, wiping out the trial previously set by Hares, Prestressed and Padre, on the Saturday.
However, nobody had taken into account the RAs mystical Druidic ability to change the weather and not a drop of rain fell during the r*n or circle, with the sun even making a short appearance to blind Skinny Ah-so in the circle.
The car park selected by said hares had also been chosen by the local French chapter of the NRA (Non-R*nning Association) for their annual cull of wild bores.
The 'safe colour' was clearly Orange so visitor Chris (no relation to Gorgeous Edna) who decided to wear a reflective yellow jacket made a bad choice, as he was clearly just a member of the opposing team and would be shot first.
Due to the flour armageddon, Padre volunteered to live hare the the r*n for the hordes of r*nners (both of them) and to make sure that he wasn't caught, made the trail as devious and arcane as only Padre knows how.
Prestressed made a mis-management decision and decided to guide the walkers through enemy lines and under the very noses of the Orange-clad gunmen.
An unsurprisingly small number of Hashers attended due to the dire weather warnings and a desire to stay in bed as temperatures had plummeted to below 25C. Some even went as far as posting their laziness on Facebook, I'm looking at you Finnish Fly!
Prestressed and Skinny Ah-so had also taken in two (South) African refugees who were keen to recreate their crossing of the Med in a flimsy boat that sinks as it approaches Europe by delivering the beer etc. in a flimsy boat that sinks just as the beer is landed.
Unfortunately, they were being re-located by the French Immigration services. To Australia.
Perpetch was a noticeable absentee, he was involved in another suspicious death and was 'dealing with it'. Since this is the second in as many years, how long before 'les plods' catch up with him.
The r*n was in new territory and was flanked by the NRA (or was it the local chapter of the Orangemen) who ensured we never strayed too far from the trail.
Padre managed to fool both r*nners with every check, especially 'enjoyable' was making them cross the river three times looking for the trail. This wouldn't have so bad if Pilchard hadn't shown his usual reluctance to get his feet wet (clean?) and Cumalot had to carry him on his back on each crossing.
Luckily Cumalot is super fit and managed it with ease (if only- ed!)
Christ! he's heavy.
The next challenge was caused by Prestressed assuming that the r*nners were faster than the walkers so put in a large X to stop them doing the loop to the naturist hide while it was being occupied by the walkers.
Never the twain should meet....
However, living up to the half-mind label, the r*nners were suitably confused and spent 20 minutes looking for the trail everywhere except where it supposed to be. After having done the second half loop and spotting various fauna from the hide, the trail was found and the long climb began.
As a result the r*nners arrived at the beer stop as the walkers were leaving, missing out on the beach where the beer was meant to be delivered by the boat which sadly was never launched (see above).
The second half was mercifully short and we were personally guided by the now less live hare back to the car park, now empty of the NRA 4x4s.
Skinny Ah-so, made a dramatic late entry to circle, in the manner of Happy Ending, having smuggled the refugees out for a last taste of freedom before they were re-located.
See the wa*kers report for the down downs but a highlight of the circle was Pedophil serenading new Labour Party convert, Prestressed, with a rendition of the Internationale.
The meal was at the ever-excellent Les Terraces, who, in a break with tradition, plied us with the lethally strong rum cocktail after the meal.
I think Iron Lady had already had a fair amount of booze and was explaining to Padre how we were all refugees from somewhere, possibly from reality,
OnOn to r*n 799 Sanremo!
A note about the author.
Since there were only two r*nners, one of which was The Pilchard, who by his own admission had not written anything since his confession to sheep worrying in 1975, please draw your own conclusions about the identity of the scribe.
Huntin' in the Var
Storms, thunder and lightning early on Sunday morning showed that summer was indeed over. A new season. And the Montauroux Hunt decided to meet for the opening of their season at the car park chosen by the hares for Run 798. However, no pink coated huntsmen or Barbour coated guns were to be seen drinking stirrup cups or passing round the whisky flasks; rather than a grouping of Range Rovers, the Var hunters had gathered in a collection of workaday Japanese 4 x 4s; their uniform was camouflage or dark clothing so they would not be seen by the wild game, topped off by orange fluorescent jackets so they would be seen and be good targets for their fellow hunters. This was indeed a rough shoot. I doubt whether a US dentist would pay $50,000 to shoot local wildlife with them. No tuneful horns to start them off but there was a view-halloo and a scramble as they all drove off into the hills.
That left a very empty car park for the few hashers and guests who turned up in spite of the weather which of course had cleared up for the hash. Prestressed represented only half the hares; Padre was alleged to be out on trail replacing the flour he had laid the previous day. Prestressed would shepherd the walkers; the two runners, Pilchard and Cumalot were left to their own devices to find their trail- as indeed it should be.
Prestressed led on. He took us through some bushes, over a bridge and along a series of paths marked by numbers, the significance of which was never explained. Then we came to the water crossing where the road forded a fast flowing stream. Despite a conference on how to cope with this there was no alternative to getting our feet wet. Beyond this the track was lined by the hunters, positioned every 100 yards, waiting in vain for the wild beasts to appear. According to a notice wolves and lynx were in the area as well as the usual wild boar. Prestressed took as up a path to a hide on the banks of a muddy creek where we could observe the wildfowl. Not much to be seen as our noisy appearance must have driven everything away apart from a lone egret- no hippos, crocodiles or wild animals.
What we missed:
This would have been a good spot for the beerstop but it was not here as a special beerstop had been planned with the beers brought by boat by Gorgeous Edna. But as Gorgeous Edna was walking with us this was not to be; he was very disappointed as he had been told that morning there was no need to bring his dinghy as the hares had deemed sea conditions to be too rough for the expedition.
It would only be another 1500 metres to the beer stop said the hare as he led us back to the main track. We were now walking along the edge of the lake. The beer stop would be just round the next bend. There were several next bends. We passed a tree where a tree was decorated by tags with the names of various dogs- was this their favourite tree against which they would pee for 21 seconds? - no explanation was given.
Then at last Prestessed directed that we should scramble down to the banks of the lake where a St George's flag signalled the spot for the beer stop for any passing boats. Beers had however been carried by Tosspot, Sadist and Prestessed. Summertime bathing had been foreseen but only Iron Lady showed that she had an iron constitution to brave a dip in the lake.
The big question was - where were the runners? Nothing had been seen of them since the start. Did some far-off cries and barking indicate that the hunters had got them? Eventually Padre appeared, thirsting for a beer; he said that the runners were 20 minutes behind him. Padre of course joined Iron Lady for frolics in the lake. All good things come to an end; we moved off before the 2 runners had appeared and we took the same route back. The hunters were still lined up along the track. The stream still needed to be crossed. Just as the walkers group arrived back at the start, Padre and the 2 runners caught up. Pedo set out the beers around a collection of muddy puddles for a short circle conducted by Cumalot..
Hares: Prestressed, Padre
Hash Ignorance (for asking, "What's with the chalice?" concerning Padre's 400-run quaiche): Gorgeous Edna
Latecummers and arriving at circle with no hands on steering wheel: Skinny A and her two visitors.
Changing out of hash gear before circle: Pilchard
And not putting on hash gear in the first place: Pedo
Talking in circle (remarking that Pilchard's shirt was not ironed): Farty Bum
Not noted -- probably for a dumb comment regarding FRB: Gorgeous Edna
Virgin walker: Chris Fitzpatrick, friend of Goergeous Edna
No Mug, Frowning: Skinny A
No Mug: Iron Lady
Shit of the Week:
Biased and anti-Women and over-confident that he would never get voted Shit of the Week: Gorgeous Edna
Accusing Gorgeous Edna of being sexist: Farty Bum
Winner: Gorgeous Edna
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 799: NEXT HASH 27 - Sep
Start time: 11.30 for 12.00
Join us on the Italian Rivera town of Sanremo for a trail that may cover the many sights of this charming Belle Epoque seaside resort e.g:-
The Russian Church
The Opera building
Other big churches
NB all of these photographs are (piss) artists' impressions
Please note that this trail, like life, has many ups and downs but also like life, hard work will be rewarded.
There are roadworks just over the Italian border on the A8, so allow a little extra time to get there. As a guide, its normally (without roadworks/traffic) takes about 1h15m from the centre of Antibes to the centre of Sanremo.
Apparently, Sanremo also accessible by train but I have no idea where the train station is, so you are on your own.
This will be the Osteria Camelot (no relation) as recommended by occasional Italian visitor Pasta In My Pants. His sister and brother-in-law, who work there, also highly recommend it too! But seriously...I have eaten there before and it is a very welcoming, family run, Italian resto.
Please let me know if you will be eating before next Sunday.
Set menu €20 for 4 courses plus 0.25L wine/water. Coffee extra.
Anti-pasti (sardenaria, focaccia, tortaverde, pomodori)
Pasta (Trofia pesto fagioloni patate)
Fish (Orata + verdure)
Dessert (Dolce della cassa)
This menu is pescatarian/vegetarian friendly. Any changes/extra charges to be arranged by you, NOT me.
Drive to where we have parked before, below the Cafe Sud Est in the free parking beyond restaurant Morgana (where we have been before too apparently).
If you see this, you are below the cafe Sud Est (up on the left).. park anywhere here.
Very early arrivers are encouraged to have a cappuccino and to use the facilities at the café.
Late cummers, don't even think about it!
More maps here:-
Google Earth version