RIVIERA HASH TRASH 797
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NEXT RUN N°798 13/9/2015
R*N REPORT N° 797 30/8/2015
50 Shades of Smut
Hash directions should go firstname.lastname@example.org
Have your say-got an opinion? Give it to me and I'll publish and be dammed
HHHi all. Sometimes, Padre likes to confuse by pretending to write reports that he didn't and conversely write reports and pretend that they were written by Farty Bum. Oh, sorry, written by someone else to confuse the heck out of Farty Bum. This time, Padre is not the scribe but he supplied all the material that is now being faithfully ignored and perverted.
Iron Lady and S*x Club provided a stunning venue with stunning scenery on the sea front in St Raphaël for this end of summer extravaganza. The temperature was well over 30 degrees and there was not a cloud in sight, prompting Pilchard to show off in his drop top Bentley that put all other cars in the shade. It was only ruined by him complaining about having to spend an extortionate €2 on parking....
The hares had decided that the hash would start promptly at 11.15. Why they did not settle on a more round start time, such as 11.12 and 27 seconds is not clear so Padre, acting as RA, avoided confusion (no not that one as she was absent) by starting it at 11.30. Ever the stickler for a prompt start.
The start time was delayed in part due to the unique instructions from the hares. They were written down meticulously for the run report and read as follows: "The Riemannian Penrose conjecture then states that the total mass of an asymptotically flat 3-manifold with nonnegative scalar curvature is greater than or equal to the mass contributed by the black holes." Pity Cumalot & Dirty Dingus were not present to translate that to an intelligible language like Hungarian. What was understood and ignored were the hares' suggestions to hold the circle at the beer stop for no obvious reason save abusing Padre's notions of tradition.
So the hash started promptly at 11.30. just 15 minutes late. Pedo decided to bring his new fan club to the hash and his strapping 11 year old Dominican boy elected to run. Padre was so taken with him that he named him Gazpachio without the usual ceremony on account of him being so cool. Gazpachio was put under the wings of the runners but, honestly, ignored all except Padre and off they ran ahead of the pack for the whole hash (well, partly because they shortcut but that's another story).
And here's said Gazpachio with his floating gin palace in the background...
S*x Club led the walkers astray, whilst Iron Lady did the honours for the runners, with the promise of copious chalk and flour on the streets of St Raphaël. The early front runners were Jobsworth and Perpetch, who immediately ignored flour taking them off the beautiful views of the beach and on to the back streets. Fortunately, Pilchard showed us all why he survived in a metal box facing pesky Russians for all those years by not being fooled.
The trail continued up the back streets of the town, allowing the finely tuned athletes to show their mettle.
It was a very steep hill, honest...
Gazpachio showed his skills off by putting the hashers to shame. No Satisfaction was making a welcome return after an eternity and blamed this on her slowness. Perpetch was frankly struggling and Pilchard kept soldiering on with his bionic knees. The trail wound through the streets until Perpetch & No Satz, who were so engrossed in conversation, totally ignored flour and led Jobsworth & Pilchard down a non-marked trail. Gazpachio was much smarter and ensured that Padre found the flour. From this moment on, they streaked ahead, though allegedly with the help of some fine short cutting when it came to the cliff face jutting straight into the sea.
Aaaahhh, the cliff face. Padre had been commenting that the run would suit Supermarket Trolley perfectly as she loves tarmac whilst he does not. But his revenge came in a trail to the beach that, once searched carefully, led to a mountain goat adventure on a cliff face with sheer drops. Why Padre short cut half of it (sworn on Pedo's life by Gazpachio) is a mystery.
The remainder of the pack took it carefully, not wishing to risk life and limb. Perpetch acted as Pathfinder, with Pilchard bringing up the rear. Sadly, the mix of vertigo and desire not to destroy my ankles meant that I missed the naked sunbathers and kids dicing with death jumping off the cliff. However, we did manage to sight a sperm whale in the water very close to the coast...
Rare Mediterranean sperm whale sighting
The cliff face was a mixture of beautiful views and severe conviction of doing oneself an injury. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it came to an end and led to one last bit of road running to join the walkers at the beer stop. I am not sure how much beer was available there, but there was the addition of a nuclear reactor green coloured soft drink that must go down as the most disgusting one known to mankind. Oh, did I already mention the pack's collective decision to ignore the proposal to hold the circle here?
Gazpachio decided that he had had enough of Padre's company at this point and elected to join his mum and the walkers on the second half. Half is a word used loosely after an 8km first half as part two barely registered a kilometre. Thankfully!
And so the run ended. It should be noted that among the astrophysics in the instructions before the run, the hares did not warn the runners of "non Riviera international markings on trail", such as an H in a circle (H for Happy Ending? H for Hurry Up? No, apparently it was a regroup). There was also SSS in a circle which fortunately was not a warning of Nazi era thugs ahead (ok, there was one too many S for that) but Sea, Sex and Sun. Or something like that. Finally, the easy one was BN in a circle, which fooled nobody after 8km...Beer Near! Thanks hares for the extra fun you gave us.
The circle notes are as ever cryptic so I will do my best here:
Hares - Iron Lady & S*x Club. Thanks for a great hash
Returners - Fairy Plongeur, No Satisfaction & Tosspot
A forgotten crime - Mme Mouton, S*x Club, Evelyn & Shooting Star
Mixing hash names - S*x Club
Head banging trees - Perpetch (I saw him do it and it was painful for me, let alone him)
Visitor - Shooting Star from Geneva H3
Shit of the week - Nominations went to Pilchard for sitting in the circle. Mme Mouton for accusing the scribe of inaccuracies in the last run report (note - the accusation ignored the comment that she was having a tryst with Sadist in his car, so I guess it must have been true), Iron Lady for setting the circle in a field of dog poo & Farty Bum to make up the numbers.
As ever, I do not recall who won but Mme Mouton deserved it and as the pen is mightier than the sword, she is now recorded for ever more as having done so.
Circle closed, it was resto time. S*x Club received the very sad news that her hashing buddy Free Willie has died. She was very upset and down all afternoon until she met Free Willie later that evening. Turned out it was a totally different one who has joined Gisbert in Hash Heaven. What a relief. Except for the one who died!
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 798: NEXT HASH 13 - Sep
A Walk (or Run) on the West side.
Come join us this Sunday for an idyllic trail on the western side of the Lac St Cassien used only for the second time ever by RH3, followed by a slap up lunch at our favourite restaurant in the area - Les Terrasses in Tourettes in the Canton of Fayence.
Thanks to Georgeous Edna, this year our beer stop will be supplied by boat, so you will not even be asked to carry your own on the out trail, and the Hares will be able to be Hares, rather than pack mules.
Time: 10h30 for 11h00
Hares: Prestressed and Padre
Price (including Lunch): €25 for members; All others: €27
Exit 39 A8 autoroute, Direction Fayence, Montauroux
After 8.5km, roundabout take 3rd exit, on D562 direction Fayence
Follow road for 1.4km and turn left into Chemin du Fondurane (La Halle clothing store on left)
Continue for approximately 2km and turn left into parking area, immediately before bridge.
Directions to Restaurant, Les Terrasses (Tel:04 94 84 70 33)
Return to D562 and turn left. Follow the road for about 3.5km and at the 4th roundabout take the 4th exit and you will see the restaurant on the left across the road from Intermarche next to the PMU bar.
Restaurant Menu, including Wine (Please ensure you have a nominated driver!!)
Starter: Salade de Chevtre Chaud or Prosciutto and Melon
Main: Faux Filet or Filet de Loup
Please let Prestressed (email@example.com) know of your intention to attend and menu choices by Saturday 12 September before noon. Many Thanks, and OnOn.