RIVIERA HASH TRASH 790
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NEXT RUN N° 791 7/6/2015
R*N REPORT N° 790 24/5/2015
50 Shades of Smut
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Hot and dusty in the Var
Here I go again on my own, as Whitesnake once sang. This should be Perpetch's anthem after setting a frankly pathetic two hashes in two outings due to other potential hares declining their duty with pathetic excuses such as falling into a river, falling off a ladder, not being around and general laziness that quite frankly would not be tolerated in the army. Or in North Korea, where the miscreants would probably disappear & be fed to dogs or used as artillery practice.
So Perpetch was rewarded for his heroic two in a row with a reasonable turnout in the deepest Var. Wetspot, having harangued all for not attending enough, ensured he could not be accused of hypocrisy by being there and in good order for the last time before he disappears in order not to be classified as an illegal immigrant. Fortunately, several UKIP voters were present to assist Wetspot's deportation if necessary (though why British UKIPpers would escort an American out of France is an interesting intellectual challenge).
Perpetch announced that the trail would take in virgin territory and it started as promised along the main road. After a while, the runners wondered whether it would veer into the countryside as there was a lot of it to explore. Perpetch duly obliged by setting a check that did indeed deviate from said road. Some false trails finally led us to ever deeper countryside. It was eerily empty save for the walkers following the runners trail in the opposite direction.
You can tell that spring is turning to summer, with hot air rising from the dust below our feet and hashers jumping into the one river on the trail at the first opportunity. Fair enough, the hasher in question was Jessie the dog but she certainly made up for the rest of us. Prestressed & Jobsworth totally ignored the flour at this point, preferring the pleasure of a run along the river rather than back to the scorched earth.
Eventually, though, they thought it was time to find the real trail. Wetspot and Long Legs had caught up by this point whilst Cumalot was far ahead, running his own FRB hash. He really should consider slowing down occasionally! The trail went up a steep bank and then reverted to type along dusty tracks.
After a while, the pack reached a junction & followed the trail kindly marked by Cumalot - to find him running back in their direction. Falsies were checked & then it was back to the trail from whence came Cumalot despite his strong assurance that it was a falsie. The trail followed a vineyard and came to the "Cumalot cross", which we decided in time honoured fashion to ignore. Fortunately this executive decision was right as the trail reappeared, oooohhh, 10 metres after the cross.
And now it was time for the pièce de résistance....attack of the killer bumble bees. The trail went through some quaint bee hives that were mysteriously dormant. No problem for anyone. Except for Prestressed, from whose mouth a stream of expletives exploded as he was followed by a swarm of killer bees. I have never seen a hasher move so quickly or swear to exterminate a species so vehemently in my life.
Fortunately there was a pool of water into which Prestressed could jump to escape the bees nearby (he didn't but Jessie did so on his behalf) &, even better, there was a beer stop soon after. Unfortunately, the beer stop was already inhabited by those hyenas of the hash the walkers, meaning that all had been as good as devoured but what can you do?
The second half was mercilessly short & simple. It followed more tracks & bush that's just waiting to catch fire in the tinder dry summer heat and included a bit of down and some up but no misdemeanours of note to the scribe.
So instead, let's concentrate on the circle.
For once I have the full list of misdemeanours from Farty Bum, presumably because she wants to ensure that she is mentioned frequently....
Hare: Perpetch (again). Many many thanks for standing in once more.
Gorgeous Edna for complaining that there were no lemon slices to accompany his Gin & Tonic. (I can understand him on that, poor soul).
Shortcutters Confusion & Jacquiline.
Gorgeous Edna for calling Jacquiline "ginger" (Was he wanting some for his G&T?) & followed by Prestressed for being gingerophobe.
Returners: Iron Lady, Jobsworth & Jacquiline.
Pedo & Farty Bum for not bringing quiches to the hash. Oh, and for not bringing their mugs either. They were joined in their punishment by Perpetch who tried to defend the rights of the Quiche-less.
Long Legs from KL via Holland nominated all non hash t shirt wearers for a down down & caught out Farty Bum, Jacquiline & Val (isn't it time for her to be named?).
At this point, Pedo showed that there is still life in the old dog & got a down down for offering hashers (male & female?) a long screw.
Jobsworth for peeing at such a horrible thought.
Prestressed for decimating the world's population of bees.
Cumalot for wearing new green "Incrdible Hulk" (no, not the one in Budapest) shoes.
Gorgeous Edna for spilling his exquisitely crafted G&T.
And finally to Shit of the Week. The nominations were, quite frankly, very boring. Jobsworth was asked to stand in for Jessie pooing on trail. Long & Hard was deemed worthy due to phone sex in the circle. So, Zimbabwean style, we decided to give the coveted prize to Farty Bum for impersonating Roy Orbison in the circle.
The circle was declared closed, Perpetch thanked many times for standing in again & it was time for the resto....and lots of e mail back & forth the next day from mainly non trail setters about who will set the next trail. Story to be continued...
In honour of Jacquiline, Padre (who watched the hash from afar) recommends you all to watch the following song. I knew it from before and can vouch that it is hilarious:
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 791: NEXT HASH 7 - Jun
Cork and Water.
This hash will take place in the Esterel and will provide great views of mountains and a lake. Inevitably there will be ups and downs. However, all the ups are gradual and no sharp inclines. There is a "cunning plan" to avoid much of the up for those that choose it!
THE START TIME is 10o/c for 10.30 as we are approaching hotter weather.
THE START PLACE is the car park at Lac de Avellan, just off the RN7 near Les Adrets.
Directions from the West ie St Tropez etc Take the autoroute A8 to exit 38 for Frejus. Go around the initial roundabout to D637 signposted to Cannes. Follow this road past the Roman aqueduct to the roundabout at junction with RN7.TURN LEFT and follow road to Testannier. This is 5.2Kms from A8 exit. TURN LEFT in to the top car park, go through it and take the track down to the lake car park. You are there!!
Directions from East ie Nice
Take autoroute A8 to exit 39 and head toward Les Adrets. Follow the road up the hill for a few kms until a roundabout. TURN RIGHT and through Les Adrets village. Keep going until the junction with the RN7. TURN RIGHT towards Frejus. Follow this road for 1.8kms to Testannier. TURN RIGHT into top car park. Go through it and take the track down to the lake car park. You are there!! LUNCH..... Will be in Les Adrets. Details by separate email.
Gorgeous Edna for walkers. Mobile 0658-617938
Prestressed for runners.