RIVIERA HASH TRASH 776/777
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In Your Papier
set a run
Wetspot and Perpetual Motion
R*N REPORT 776
Jessie the Dog
R*N REPORT 777
50 Shades of Smut
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Padre's dirty dogging in the Var
Dogging is a British English slang term for engaging in sexual acts in a public or semi-public place or watching others doing so.
My dad says that the hash has been dogging many times before and that Padre is the main protagonist. All I know is that it's very cool to be cute, blonde and 9 months old. I met 2 new friends on this Xmas hash. Lisa is what I imagine I will look like when I'm an old girl of around 5 years old. But Jessie, wow, he's a real dark and lusty boy. Strange name for a boy but I reckon he must be Italian. Such a lothario and doesn't take "no" for an answer. Not even when I told him that my nasty owners stopped me having babies just a few weeks ago.
Rain. I love rain and all the mud that it leaves. Padre is a decent chap. He promised no rubbish dumps when he unleashed us hounds on the hash but he mentioned nothing about mud, sewage and general wetness. There was a reasonable pack for this pre Christmas run. 7 humans and 3 beasts, set free in a field. Boy, did I run rings round everyone, chasing Jessie & Lisa whilst those dumb humans kept getting lost. Oh, the flour is also very tasty. I must check out that brand next time.
Perpetch led us all to a falsie in a field. I had fun ignoring calls to come back to the pack to be put on the leash, but it was only for a short time as we crossed the road. On the other side, a real treat lay in store. The muddiest of muddy fields. It was so much fun to be covered in excrement and to watch Smelly Poo actually try to disprove her hash name by avoiding all the mud. Perpetch & Prestressed were real gents, helping the girls avoid the worst of the mud and excrement in a ditch, but Jobsworth got tangled in a prickly branch and let it prang Margaret after extricating himself. See, it's so much easier being a dog.
Muddy fields gave way to road and a big hill. Back on the leash, but I didn't mind as we proved that these humans are really useless at running uphill. Even those slow walkers (no names, Gorgeous Edna and Fairy Plongeur) were taking the mickey as all except Perpetch struggled up the hill. But it was no problem for us, the fit four legged hashers. Lisa saved her energy for the hill whilst Jessie and me kept chasing circles around each other.
At the top of the hill, we found a beer car. I don't know why you guys like beer. For me, it was heaven. Free food and water and, even better, Jessie was so excited that he started to mount me.
Now, you humans might think it's disgusting but don't forget that my owners neutered me, so how great it was to prove that I've still got it in me. Even better, Jessie really enjoyed it when I humped him back. Oh yes, hashing is fun.
The second half is a blur. Lots of downhill, a beautiful muddy field and some great brambles to be caught in before running through even more sewage in a farm. All I remember is that the wimpy tank commander David took off his shoes to get over the river. Wimp!
Those weird runners, especially Padre & Prestressed, were ecstatic to send us past a shop with 400 different types of beer. But who cares when you are flirting with a cool guy?
Back at the start, it was time to calm down with more humping, whilst the humans started a strange ritual called "the circle". The rain was really pouring down so we sheltered in a refuse area with a low roof. Boy did we laugh when everyone hit their headů..no such problem for us!
Down downs went to:
Hares PHD and Padre
Shoes off x 2 - David Noname (well, noname for only a few moments longer)
Returners - Too Cheeky, Lonely, Scriptease, Sinex, Margeret, Lisa & Jessie
Scribe - Me
Latecummer - Wetspot
Naming - Tank commander David was named. Some suggested Paddy Pants Down, or Canned Pilchard, but Padre, in his usual democratic style, ignored everyone and decreed him to be simply "Pilchard" for ever more.
And then it was over. Time to say goodbye to my friends and rest whilst the humans carried on partying to the wee hours.
A few fuzzy heads and pairs of bloodshot eyes greeted the Hares on Sunday morning.
The start time was practically post-prandial due to PreStressed and Skinny Ah-so forcing us to partake of a champagne breakfast before braving the liquid sunshine that had been falling all night.
NB1 I don't want to give the impression that we have champagne on every r*n just because we are the Riviera HHH.
No, its just on Sundays; hence yesterday's trail was through the sh*tty shiggy.
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
Once the Hares had forced us outside for the start, with the promise of more food and booze after it had been earned, we found that the rain had mercifully stopped (thankyou R.A.!) and the Hares began explaining the special symbols required to navigate the trail.
Fearing a repeat of the ribbon terror inflicted on us by FartyBum a few weeks ago, some of the pack actually started listening.
Fortunately it was just something about r*nning though bars was OK and crosses were bad.
Formalities over, we started off to find a check immediately at the end of the drive. Since there were several possible trails immediately, this allowed the w*ankers to steam ahead up the hill leaving the r*nners to find all the crosses with bars, which suggested some trail reuse later...
The correct trail was found by CumsQuicker (who seemed to forget how to call On) but not before the overenthusiastic Undergrowth and The Pilchard had run though a cross in their attempts to keep up with the w*nkers.
It was clear that this was not going to be of those trails where the r*nners and w*nkers were basically on the same path. No, we were heading in opposite directions, r*nners down and w*ankers up.
So, we headed down towards the familiar ground of the old railway line in the valley with devious, and mostly flourless, routes off the check at the bottom of the hill.
Cumalot and Smelly Pooh optimistically checked the flat railways track but the trail was found to be up, and up, and up.
It only seemed reasonable after all the down.
As we trudged up a drainage ditch that was doing a superb job of draining the previous nights rain, we came upon the start point.
For a few joyful seconds we imagined that the Hares had taken pity on us and provided a short sprint trail so as not to interfere too much with the continuing conviviality.
It was going to be a figure of eight trail with a Gispert loop. However, some of the half-minds were so disappointed that they shortcut the loop and left the other half of the pack behind. Luckily R.A. was informed and Padre, CumsQuicker, Lonely and The Pilchard received their reward in the circle later.
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
After the loop, there was more up and then some serious road r*nning before we descended back into the woods where the hares had found a fire road threading between all the fenced off woodland so kudos to them.
Soon we caught up with the last of the w*nkers just before re-tracing our steps up the drainage ditch again, except the SCB's who were already back at the start drinking the beer!
Thank you Hares for laying the trail in the wet early morning while were still recovering from the night before or quaffing champagne (as we always do eh?).
So the circle began, unfortunately the details are sketchy as FartyBum was absent and the R.A. said he couldn't read his writing.
Hares : Prestressed and Perpetual Motion
A bottle of single malt was drunk to celebrate the Scots not p*ssing off earlier in the year.
Serge was christened Feckingdale after his lapdance for Iron Lady the night before.
Synex told a joke we hadn't heard before.
Long and Hard actually remembered her mug.
SoTW was The Pilchard for grassing on some alleged underage drinking from Undergrowth the previous night.
Skinny AhSo and helpers for the superb food and drink
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 778: NEXT HASH 7-Dec
Hares: Wetspot and Perpetual Motion
1000 for a 1030 prompt start.
The Hash will start from the car park of Géant Casino in Le Muy.
There are two choices:
Exit A8 at Puget sur Argens (Sortie 37) and take the DN7 towards Toulon and Draguignan. Just before Le Muy itself there is a roundabout. Turn right and after 200M the Géant Casino is on the left.
Exit A8 at Le Muy (Sortie 36) and take the road in the direction of Le Muy and Fréjus:St Raphael. At the roundabout, just before the village with a filling station on the right, continue left direction Frejus/St Raphael. Go straight on through 3 sets of traffic lights. and the car park is on the right.
The On On will be at Les Jonquières which we have used before and is just 200M from the car park on the other side of the road.
Main Course + quart de vin or other drink of choice (within reason!).
The entrée is a substantial meal itself so you will not go home hungry.
Cost 21 Euros.
The trail c has to be regrettably short because we must be in the restaurant no later than 1330 hours.
Any queries call me on 04 94 85 15 50 (evenings).