RIVIERA HASH TRASH 770
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Duchess of Cambridge produces twins


R*n 770

Begorrah! If the Duchess of Cambridge didn't have enough fun setting R*n 767 through the streets of Dublin, he went to town so to speak by setting 2 hashes for R*n 770 in Valbonne. The North one he set on the Friday and the South one on the Saturday. Was this to mark the fact that Ireland is divided into North and South? Or was it to celebrate the Daily Mail headlines announcing the twin pregnancy of Kate? His co-hare Long & Hard contributed by allocating the first one the attribute of Long and the second one she let be Hard. However she couldn't find the car park where the hash was to start although the name of the Lycee Simone Weil was written large upon its walls. Even Madame Mouton might have found it without her glasses , but since she had mislaid them she couldn't drive there. Some problems too about the directions- the French having recently adopted roundabouts have spread them around with abandon, giving some names, adorning others with lawns, waterfalls, gardens, curious sculptures etc, so perhaps we should identify the roundabouts with more descriptions in the directions rather than just saying 'after the third roundabout take a left' 'cos the French are inclined to sneak in a titchy little circle in the road which is technically a roundabout. In spite of that we are a respectable number- good to see some repeat visitors and many returners. Sex Club and Pedo both sporting flip-flops as the preferred hash footwear of the week.

Right, now where were we? At the start the hares did their thing: the Duchess of Cambridge gave some descriptions of the trail and made some markings in chalk to clarify matters, which nobody understood; Long & Hard wanted to count chickens for lunch and had us salivating over the choice between panacotta and chocolate cake.

Well the first half was the Northern circuit, up the road and into the wood. Lumberjack had joined us as she had spied out the trail the previous day and was content to let the runners go up a long falsie to the right while she waited at the first check knowing that the trail went off to the left. The trail went on a long way before the next check, and this was true of most of the first half. The hare must have been talked to by one of these bank managers who want to reduce the number of cheques and make everyone pay by transfers and virements and credit cards, but hey! the RivieraH3 is a French hash and we like our checks. I was running behind visitor Hawkeye who was on his annual visit, wearing bright yellow T shirt and as I ran along a windy path through the woods the yellow T shirted runner had changed into a sexy female form complete with dog on a lead. How he had managed it I have no idea but it was magic , so I enjoyed the apparition for several minutes until we went round another bend in the track and there was Hawkeye again all sweaty and masculine.

Now it must have been my lucky week for meeting beautiful ladies as when we were in Dublin we met Roz Purcell who was Miss Ireland in Miss Universe or Miss Universe in Miss Ireland and is a big celebrity in the Irish Hello magazine (maybe she is related to my Irish cousin Willie Purcell- about fifth cousin four times removed) .We were having a coffee in an establishment called The House which we had been told we must visit by a real estate agent called Bartholomew Blarney or something; it took us a good deal of trouble to find it as we had wandered all round St Stephen's Green and the surrounding area but eventually tracked it down quite by chance in Leeson Street. Well it was a very nice place and we were sitting in a big conservatory area and we noticed a very attractive young lady setting out a table with cakes and goodies and taking photographs of it all and looking very pleased with herself, so we were rather intrigued to know what she was up to and whether she would be inviting us for tea. Then along comes a paddy with a big tripod and a TV camera and sets up his equipment with a great deal of comings and goings. So we gets the idea that this must be some sort of fillum for the TV and Pedo gets ready to join in as an extra. Along comes another lady- a bit more mature in years with a microphone and starts chatting to the first girl and then she gets out of her Jimmy Choo bag a bright red pair of nine inch high heeled shoes - is this a version of Cinderella and Prince Charming? No, she puts them on herself though if she tried walking in them she would probably collapse. Then she seems to be doing some sort of interview sitting down which the cameraman records, though whether he films the shoes we could not tell. Miss Ireland is wearing thigh length black leather boots so it might be a shoe advert after all. Then it is all over, the cameraman packs up his kit, the ladies pack away the cakes and we have lunch. Not much to do with the last hash, but I just thought I'd let you know- you can probably find the recording on the internet- no doubt the voices off comments of Pedo and Dark & Moist will have been edited out.

Now where was I? After lots of running along the paths in the Valbonne/ Roquefort les Pins area we meet up with the walkers and come back to the road and to the well-marked Lycee Simone Weil. Telephone calls establish that Padre has returned from Ireland and is out on the trail with Jobsworth; Pedo opens the beer wagon and we enjoy a well-earned drink and a selection of plain and flavoured crisps. Our previous supplier of just past sell-by-date crisps, Virgin Mouth, who was with us in Dublin is now working in a butchers in Cornwall, but she didn't reveal whether she supplies her new hash with just past sell-by-date sausages, steaks and chops. Farty Bum gives us an account of the life of Harry S Truman from a book which she has been studying (all except the last 40 pages) since she picked it up in a laundrette in the mid-west of Canada. He had no recorded opinion on hashing- no doubt he would have been out to see what the White House H3 were up to if they had been running there in his day.

The Duchess announces that the second half will be shorter and starts on the south side. Padre and Jobsworth haven't turned up yet and a number of the runners group announce that they are joining the walkers for the second part. As the beer stop was at the start, for once Pedo has no excuse for not doing the second half. So a much smaller number of runners are on the runners' trail, which is clearly marked with an arrow and a big R. However this turns out to be a falsie- you can't believe a word the hares say! We hit a road, the runners' numbers get smaller-Supermarket Trolley and Cumskwicker disappear leaving Coco, Sadist and Cumalot to run uphill , following fewer and fewer blobs of flour. On the first half of the run flour blobs were laid every 30 to 50 metres apart but now the flour-eating pigs had been at work and only left blobs 300 to 500 metres apart. This part of the country had long trails between checks, each seemingly getting further away from the start though eventually we come to a bridge across the Brague river and know there is a long uphill haul back to the finish. An hour and twenty minutes for part 2- phew!

The rest of the hash had kindly waited for the marathon runners to arrive before holding a circle- especially as Cumalot was the RA.

Down-downs followed but records lost..

Then on to an entertaining OnOn at La Bergerie- not a shepherd's cottage but more of a nightclub with a pianist/singer occasionally joined by Long & Hard in a wide variety of musical numbers.

OnOn to Sardinia!

Xmas 2014
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R*n 771: NEXT HASH 28-Sep

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