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Never Cums

Run Report 755, March 2014
Hare; Jobsworth
Chief Catering Officer; Never Cums
Location; Sophia Antipolis
Scribe; Sir Jekyll Apliance

The clocks went forward during the night, so this time yesterday is wasn't.
The day started an hour earlier and the run an hour later than normal, so all in all nothing changed.
Or to put it another way Jobsworth set another Hash in his back garden.

Every Hash is a good one except on those days I run all the false trails and get pissed off.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. Or, in this case, finding a space in the car park before the run was due to start. Procul obviously did not have a problem as he parked in an adjoining section but the start was thrown into disarray when he came running into the car park and we all thought we were late starting because Procul never arrives until after the start time. See Down Downs.

The first official day of summer and we have a very good turnout with a few more runners than has been normal of late which made for a faster r*n owing to the checks being solved quicker.
I digress.
The R.A., Cumalot asked Padre to search for the starting point as the Hare and Paedophil were nowhere to be seen. However, just as the finely tuned athletes, straining at the leash like highly trained Greyhounds, ready to chase and tear a Hare to pieces, the Hare returned to tell all that the trail was, "That way".

R*nners out of the car park into an instant false trail. Instant false trail? Yup, just add water. As we returned from the false trail, with Procul, Cumalot and Supermarket Trolley now at the back of the pack and Wet Spot and Prestressed leading the way, Jobsworth indicated that the trail went across a small stream. A psychologist would have enough material to been able to write a thesis after watching the manner in which this small obstacle was traversed by the different personalities.
Who went leaping in both feet and stomp across. Who daintily tiptoed, balancing on the rocks like a Chinese acrobat, who ran the long way around and across the bridge, who was concerned about looking good not dirtying their shoes and who tried to keep the feet dry only to fall in at the first stepping stone?

Answers on a €50 note and the winner will receive a €40 prize.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

The trail twisted and turned in and out of the walkers trail with enough devious loops to keep the pack together with the Front Running Bastard changing all the time with everyone having their five minutes of Fame except Fabie and Ann Laure.
But, considering just a few Hashes ago they would have been left a long way behind their r*unning has improved to the extent they were always in touch with the pack. (And sometimes in front, Ed.)
I think it was the thought of all the old farts being able to outr*un them that prompted taking on some extra curricular activities, twice a week training sessions.

For the Ladies Walking Brigade Sadist has come up with a new fitness programme you can use without going to the Gym.

Begin by standing on a flat, comfortable surface, with plenty of room at each side.Then, with a 2.5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you will find you are able to hold this position a little bit longer.
After a few weeks move up to 5kg. potato bag.
Then try 10 kg. bag and then eventually try to get to the point where you can lift a 20kg. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms out straight for a full minute.
(Ed. I am at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level put a potato in each bag....

All F.R.B.'s arriving at the Beer stop in close proximity and then the wait for the L.W.B. who arrived in a steady trickle. (Quick change the incontinence pads. Ed.)
Then the alarming sight of Iron Lady in full gallop down the back straight just like Red Rum as she charged down the road to the Beer Wagon.
The usual suspects then ambled in just as the F.R.B.'s were getting restless and Padre was contemplating a third beer.

The second half started at its usual, geriatric pace, as once the ancient limbs stop it takes a while to get them moving again
I very quietly confided to Prestressed that I was having an affair. He turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of 'old'!

The trail then became, how should I put it, interesting. The recent rain and bikes had combined to cover the trail in a wonderful, sticky, Spa like mud which again would have given the psychologist enough data for another thesis. Why do women pay vast sums of money to have their bodies covered in mud at a Spa and then become all precious when a little of the stuff splashes their legs?
A nameless Hasher said about his wife...............
She used a mud pack and looked wonderful for two days, then the mud fell off.

All that mud was enough for foot rot.

Do people with a foot fetish consider Athletes Foot a S.T.D.?

Q; Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A; They don't have balls to scratch.

Padre commented on how wonderful it was to have some good old fashioned Shiggy and how it reminded him of his Home Hash on Dartmoor, except the river at the end to wash the stuff off with was much warmer.

Much to and fro-ing, much like a barn dance but without all the smoldering sexual tension as the trail went in and out of the brambles, but nobody was having any of it after seeing what damage it had done to Jobsworth's legs.
Even Sadist declined the invitation to be torn to pieces.
Where did the trail go? I know.......Google it as Google has all the answers.

Thank you Fabi!

And then all too soon it was over, a stretch out for a few minutes and we arrived back at the car park to commence the circle.

Down Downs;

Hare: Jobsworth

Returners: Wetspot, Mudwrestler

Mugless: Pedo, Procul, Madame Mooton, Long & Hard

Virgin (and new member): Min (brought by Prestressed, who desires points for all the virgins he has brought recently, who signed up and paid and never came back) (He should only be awarded points if he is still friends with them after event. Ed)

Other virgin (who declined to be down-downed): Silvie (brought by Iron Lady)

For hard work and training and being FRBs today, only 4 hashes after being virgins: Ann Laure and Faby

For walking on water (Dead Sea) (242km) and wearing Dead Sea Hash t-shirt: Sadist

For wearing Breast Cancer t-shirt: Anne

Reluctant Virgin now ready to be down-downed after all (with heavy coaching from Long & Hard): Silvie

For allowing car accident (being reversed onto): Smelly Pooh

For not swooning this week : Cum Cum

For not having to injure herself catching Cum Cum this week: Dancing Scrubber

For arriving early to make us believe we were starting late: Procul

Shit of the Week nominations:

Cumalot for Derelection of Duty (not bringing paraphanelia)

Padre for Spillage, and for saying we ought to ban beer stops

Procul for deception

Winner (stitched up by Prestressed): Padre for saying there should not be a second half only a prolonged Beer Stop.

From here it was, all off to Never Cum's and Jobsworth's summer house for refreshment. A very enjoyable selection of buffet style food and a celebration, decorated cake, with convivial company and a guest appearance by the 25% fat reduced, Tutti Frutti, all the way from Salsomaggiore..

And finally;

Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was going on a business trip to China on that ill-fated Malaysian flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!

AWAY WEEKEND 16 - 19 May 2014
Full Details here.

5-7 September, Dublin Away Weekend
Details here.

Away Weekends
Details here.

More Info.

Try this link to find information regarding the Belgium Interhash bid for 2014.
Book early and obtain a good price. (If they win the bid)
To see what world hash events are coming up, check out this website:
Hash events.
Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

Look left
R*n 756: NEXT HASH 13-Apr

Genesis, 2 / 23 - And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind : and it was so. And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind : and God saw that it was good. And God said, let the Riviera Hash House Harriers run in the hills of Le Broc at Easter time every year. And so it was, and it was never good, but God said "Let them suffer, poor lost souls", softened by the gentle climes and soothing pastures of Villeneuve-Loubet and Golfe-Juan

So it will be : SUNDAY 13th APRIL, start 14 h 30 for 15 h 00, late afternoon repast around 6 pm at the ESTRAGON Restaurant in Le Broc, price very reasonable as per previous years. The run will be festooned with Eastery nibbles. Bring your kids !

On-on !

Spare Rib