RIVIERA HASH TRASH 742
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Supermarket Trolley & Confusion
R*N REPORT 742
WALKERS' REPORT 742
50 Shades of Smut
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Hares; Contessa and Coco,
Run Report by ; R, Souls.
Wait for the video to start, about 5 seconds.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
A is for; Rebel,
The weather forecast was looking ominous with showers forecast for Saturday evening and Sunday, meaning that if you are up above the snowline, as we were, if it had been snowing, then the prospect of pleasant running conditions were not looking good.
Our Deputy, stand in, assistant R.A. Cumalot, decided he did not have sufficient power to control the weather unlike our more experienced R.A. Padre and came to the conclusion he would be better off feigning sickness and stay in bed. He alluded it was a dodgy Muscle that laid him low. If you have seen him running you would not be surprised by that claim. (Ed. I think it was more of a bearded Clam myself.)
Or as Paedophil said, "I wasn't planning on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere."
Comprehensive navigating instructions meant that all were assembled raring to go with plenty of time to spare, except for the normal retard. No, not that one, the other one who is not quite as late as the other one.
Padre, in full control of the weather, could not control the assemble throng as the late comer sped into the car park causing mayhem. See how kind I am to you Mme. Mouton by not mentioning your name.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
We welcomed the two virgins from Norway, Dag and Wenche (Pronounced Vanka) and left them to the mercy of the walkers. Wenche told me afterwards she had learned her lesson and would be with the runners on the next trail.
The runners exit the car park just as the village clock strikes 1100hrs. I told you your watch was minute fast, Padre.
The keen runners, champing at the bit, anxious to stretch out, cross the road in front of the restaurant showing all the tourists their athletic prowess until they observed the up, and more up, winding away to the vanishing point.
Levrette was going flat out, peeved that Prestressed was beside her without any apparent effort but happy Sadist, Perpetual Motion and Padre were behind her. (Ed. If I was a woman I would not be happy if Padre was behind me.)
I didn't have the heart to tell her Perpetual Motion had just cycled from the coast and climbed over 700m, Incredible Hulk keeping him company asking when he was going to be locked up for the murder and that Padre was walking due to an injury.
Sadist then hit the front. Levrette said she was not aware he was there.
Sadist replied it was because he wore camouflaged condoms.
Camouflage condoms? Yup, he said, they will never see you coming.
Arriving, breathless at the first cross, indicating a false trail, with no sign of a check, confusion sets in.
However, Coco being devious as he realised the walkers would be kms. behind at this point, had inserted a huge circle, using more flour than Perpetual Motion ever uses in a complete trail, which we duly locate as we retraced out steps.
More windy, windy up, and then some more windy up, to the summit which Prestressed informs us is over 300m higher than the start point.
It was here Coco tried to bluff everyone into a false trail by running off to to the right, Prestressed and Levrette just stood there admiring the view and Sadist and Padre ignored the Hare and decided the right trail was to the left.
Can't fool those two experienced bastards.
At the next check they decided they were so far ahead they would give Coco the satisfaction of running his false trail but actually marked the right direction for those following. (Ed. They should have had a Down Down for that.)
The slow ones were now the F.R.B's.
However, the good deed was in vain as the headless chickens ran around the cliff top like demented Lemmings looking for a place to jump.
(Ed They should have copied the Para gliders)
Sadist and Padre just followed the trail and arrived at the beer stop first. The others trickled in afterwards with Incredible Hulk explaining he had looked over the edge and saw the two tiny dots below approaching the beer car.
Contessa lived up to her reputation of usually providing entertainment during the beer stop and we had a display of Para punting (Or whatever it is called) and a fly past of what appeared to be a world war one biplane.
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver.
The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
A very pleasant, convivial interlude and the serenity of the peace and quiet is shattered by Padre calling all to order for the second half.
The walkers disappear to do what they do best, (apart from chattering) and go shopping. (Ed. See walkers report)
Coco, being new to this Haring business, is not aware that when the runners are faced with a tricky check which proves to be beyond the mental capacity of tired bodies and alcohol reduced thinking processes they take the path of least resistance and head in the general direction of home and have a good run in to the finish.
Apparently they missed a scenic loop on the contour below the road.
(Ed. You can use that part of the trail next time, Coco.)
Hares; Coco and Contessa
Returner; Incredible Hulk, Levrette and Kitti.
Birthday; Incredible Hulk
Leaving Incredible Hulk
Impersonating a woman; Gorgeous Eda. At least he stopped talking whilst he was drinking.
New Shoes; A reluctant imbiber from expensive waterproof shoes; Prestressed.
(It was either fetch them from the car or drink out of his antique gardening shoes. And he thought we would not notice.)
Breach of Etiquette; Gorgeous Edna.
Late Cumming; Mme. Mouton driving into the car park, honking.
Shortcutting: Val (leader of the shortcutters), Wenche, Dag, Confusion, Kitty, Mme. Mouton
Disruption in the circle; Gorgeous Edna
Late Cumming the 2nd. time; Mme. Mouton late to the circle.
Virgins; Dag and Wenche. Soon to be members.
Farty Bum, for, sorry can not remember.
Paedophil, Prestressed, Incredible Hulk and Padre mispronouncing Wankas name. (Ed. How can it be Vanka when the first letter is a W?)
Padre, for making Jobsworth remove the names of the lovers from his run report, and for claiming he did this "so her husband wouldn't find out", when the woman in question does not have a husband. (Ed. Not any more.)
Runner up; Gorgeous Edna. The only time he stopped talking was when he had a beer in his mouth.
And the winner; Padre, for being chivalrous, with the award expertly administered by Wanka.
(Ed. Looks like she is used to handling Linghams. She even took photographs for her Facebook page.)
I thought you may like to see a photograph, I took recently, of Padres new computer.
Some of the Ladies Walking Brigade commented on Prestress' new slim line figure which he informs me is down to his Yoga regime.
For your benefit I have managed to obtain a film of his work out.
Warning this caries an eighteen certificate.
Yoga for wine lovers..
The walkers group consisted of Contessa (hare), Confusion, Farty Bum, SkinnyA, Madame Mouton, Val no-name, Toss Pot, Peado, Gorgeous Edna, and three virgins from Norway. Wenche (pronounced Venca), Dag and canine Dauphin. A succinct report could be, to plagiarize a Falklands war reporter, "I counted them all out and I counted them all back". However, Hash protocol seems to demand more.
All met with some trepidation concerning the weather, only to be greeted with a bright crisp day. After coffees etc the stand in RA , Padre tried to call matters to order. ( Get well soon Cumalot) This was disrupted by loud car horn hooting from the inevitably late Madame Mouton. A little later all set off with Padre walking instead of running!!! He could not demean himself to walk with the walkers but took the runners trail. He claimed to have a sore muscle which some say was caused by over exertion at the Porquerolles Hash. This was not evident in the daytime!!!
The walk took us up the mountain at a steady rate with a few stops to admire the spectacular views. Nice, Cap D'Antibes and the Bay of La Napoule were all visible. The local fauna consisted of small ground hugging plants with a huge amount of Thyme. Barely a tree around at this altitude and rocky terrain..
Madame Mouton proved that posh walking sticks are purely a fashion accessory as she walked some considerable distance with realising the whole bottom section had fallen off one of them! A short deviation was taken to visit a chapel dedicated to St Vincent de Paul. (1581-1660)
He inspired many charities around the world by his dedication to the needy. I suppose the Hash qualifies on this count... It is a shame the the inspiration to visit came a a result of an assumption by the ladies that the building might in fact be a "Ladies". Anyway, the walkers' needs were met a little later by reaching the beer stop. Once a gain amply provisioned by the dedicated Paedo. Whilst taking libation all were entertained by many paragliders floating through the air and a WW1 type biplane. Also, Coco provided a demonstration of the effectiveness of Hi-Vis outdoor wear. He could be seen from at least 3 kms way due to his bright wear. This would be a great help should ever you need emergency services to find you.
After the beer stop we started the decent but were distracted by an enterprising local selling Goudon honey. A stall in the middle of no where!
Many tastings and some sales. About 3/4hr later everyone arrived back at the start point in the car park of Goudon and the down down was conducted by Padre. There were all the procedural down downs for the normal spurious reasons including S of the Week for Padre. ( I have no idea why except that it was Padre and Sneaky Bastard was missing)
The day concluded with a very convivial lunch at the Auberge, organised by Contessa. A good Hash was had by all. This included the virgins Wenche, Dag and Dauphin who signed up a joiners.
Kind regards Gorgeous Edna
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R*n 743: NEXT HASH 27-Oct
Meeting point: Car Park in Valbonne, 400m behind the church
Time: 10h for a prompt start at 10h30
Hares: Confusion (06 95 70 99 63) and Supermarket Trolley (06 63 10 87 77)
No excuses for being late as the clocks go back this weekend, giving you an extra hour in bed!
Most of you will know the car park where we will meet, as we have started a number of hashes from here in the past, but for the uninitiated:
If you are approaching Valbonne from the A8, exit at junction 44 (Antibes), take the the Route du Parc (D103), in the direction of Grasse/Valbonne/Sophia Antipolis. Go straight over the traffic lights as you pass Sophia Antipolis, go straight over the next roundabout with several large wooden arches and the next much smaller roundabout, approximately 2 km further on. At the third roundabout (Forum roundabout, off which is the Bleu Lavande and Brittain's Homestores), signposted Valbonne to the right, Plascassier straight ahead and Cannes to the left, take the right exit to Valbonne (D3). Approximately 1.5 km down this road, just after a little bridge, you will see one of the main Valbonne car parks on the left, just after the car park, you will pass the Mairie on your right, immediately after the Mairie, turn right, go passed the church on the right, 400m further down this road, you will see the car park on the right. If you pass some wooden bins on the right, then you have just over shot the entrance to the car park.
If you are approaching Valbonne on the Valbonne-Biot road (D4), as you are approaching Valbonne you will pass the Stade Leon Chabert on the right, at the next roundabout signposted Rouquefort to the right, Valbonne straight on and cimetiere to the left, take the left exit, 1km down this road you will pass the cimetiere on the right, 200m further on you will see several wooden bins on the left, immediately after the bins, turn left into the car park.
If you are coming from another direction and don't know where Valbonne is contact the hares.
On On - Indian Restaurant, Valbonne
By popular demand, the OnOn will be at the local Indian restaurant in the centre of Valbonne, at 13h30. This is the same restaurant where we had a really good Hash meal two years ago.
There will be a two course menu, consisting of several shared starter and main dishes, with a mixture of meat, fish and vegetarian dishes, together with rice and nan bread, plus a large glass of wine or a bottle of beer or a soft drink / person. Price will be 22 euros.
Please could you let Confusion or Supermarket Trolley know by Thursday, 17H, if you intend staying for the meal as we would like to give the restaurant an indication of the numbers