RIVIERA HASH TRASH 738
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R*N REPORT 738
WALKERS' REPORT 738
50 Shades of Smut
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The Grand Old Duke Coco
He set the start for ten
He laid the trail right up the hill
And then right down again.
After a glorious day on the Saturday, Sunday started out raining which must have deterred all but the hardiest hashers from setting out for the early start at the Grand Duc's Domaine in the Tanneron hills. Madame Mouton brought her flock so early that they turned back to Mandelieu for a stimulating coffee.
Also it was the start of the hunting season and Coco the hare had discovered that his carefully chosen trail was right through hunting territory, so he insisted that we all got the hi-viz jackets out of our cars to make ourselves better targets -our military man Perpetual Motion having arrived by bike not by car would take his chances with a yellowish hash tee shirt.
Coco pointed the runners, a select group of 4, downhill on a steep path used chiefly by mountain bikers. This lead back the road where there was no alternative but to go uphill again back to the start, being passed by the late arriving coffee-sated flock of Madame Mouton. Here a large check sign in flour had appeared - there were several possibilities of trails. Padre set out on the obvious one into the countryside but soon came back saying that it was surely the in-trail. So we investigated the alternatives- Cumalot had gone ahead down another long flour strewn downhill track, eventually discovering that it was a double cross. So another uphill hike back to the start. Sadist having discovered flour went off uphill for several hundred yards, but again found a cross and another return to the start. By this time the other runners had disappeared but without marking which route they had taken, so some more frustration before deciding that Padre's original trail was the only choice left.
Sure enough Padre must have been having a senior moment (more of this later). The track was lined by waiting hunters, guns at the ready for any wild game. It was like a cold war frontier- did we need identity documents? Yelping dogs further down the valley indicated that they had found the big duck or a fleeing hasher. Catching up with the spread-out groups of walkers lead by Long and Hard, meant that this might indeed be the trail. Then further up the slope I saw the runners going along the hillside heading in the opposite direction. Leaving the trail and climbing uphill I managed to short cut to the path they were following. Another check; the trail lead back in the direction of the start. This took us to the main road and we found flour on the other side where a little path eventually took us to the place where the beer car had been parked.
This had taken 50 minutes so the beer was welcome, but after half an hour we began to wonder where the walkers and Coco had got to. Had they been shot by the hunters? Had they turned back? Not too worried though as we were basking in the sun, enjoying the view. Some bloodhounds appeared, jangling the bells round their necks, sniffing for game- they had caught our scent and went off along the path we had just come down. Then we saw some walkers far off on a track on the other side of the valley- yes, strung out along the path in twos and threes, some still wearing their hi-viz, it must be them. Gradually they arrived, telling tales of all the hunted wild life they had seen. Edna came without Val whom he had abandoned struggling uphill- would there be problems later?
Now that all the walkers had arrived, the runners decided they should now hit the in-trail. Coco had marked the direction- the reverse of the walkers' route-all downhill it would seem. Cumalot had at first decided that he would be needed to drive back the tired and wounded of the walkers, but apparently they were all fit and ready to walk back so he dared not risk Padre's scorn at opting out, and joined the downhill run. Padre meanwhile had hurt his ankle on the rocky track and was making it back to the beer stop. Anyway it was a fine downhill run , but how was it that halfway along we met the walkers already on their way back?
Now since Cumalot had decided to run back it meant that there was no beer back at the start. We had to wait for his arrival before we could drive him the 4km up the road to retrieve his car. But who should we then see but Padre? At our approach Padre started running uphill towards Tanneron. We caught him up, he refused an offered lift, but then we asked why he was going the wrong way? So we left him to reverse his steps and run downhill along the road. Some time later when he arrived we could begin the circle.
And when we were up, we were up
And when we were down, we were down
And when we were only halfway up
We were neither up nor down, down down, down, down.
Finding some shade from the sun Cumalot acted as Religious Advisor offered Down-Downs to:
The Hares- Coco and Long & Hard
Earlycomers-Madame Mouton, Sabine and Confusion
Latecomers- Madame Mouton, Sabine and Confusion
Returners- Gorgeous Edna, Val, Confusion
The disoriented- Padre
The Birthday girl-Smelly Poo
The Mugless- Sadist, Padre, Madame Mouton
The Flasher- Madame Mouton
For Belize National Day- Padre
For Dereliction of duty- Cumalot
Shit of the week nominees- Padre, Smelly Poo, Confusion
Shit of the Week- Confusion for competitiveness
As reported by Contessa (on behalf of originally assigned Scribe Mme Mouton who deserted her assignment, claiming a note-less 'senior moment')
Intro.. but no flour trail she laid While writing this Walkers Report, my eye caught this bit of advice on the internet: " If you find yourself at a loss for words -- and that is likely -- then you need to abandon all pretense of rationality and resort to poetry or performance art to get your point across. It can be fun! ".
So here goes my 'resort to poetry' attempt at explain the unusual situation I found myself in when by default I became the unofficial co-hare to co-hare Coco for this Grand Duc Hash:
She signed up to Hare that we do not refute
But no flour trail she laid
Short and Soft charms she played
Talking, cooking and dancing…her talents to hoot!
The morning of September 15 abt 4 runners and 7 Walkers met for a misty ramble in the hills 4 kms out of Mandelieu in the 'Grand Duc', direction Tanneron,. Oops! Better make that 10 Walkers, but we'd heard that three Walkers (Mme Mouton, Sabine and Confusion) had arrived early and had taken off to find a coffee! So at the time of Hash Departure at 10:30 those three tardy ladies had not yet returned. Meanwhile who did arrive in time on his bike... bravo to Perpetch who pedaled up the killer hill from Mandelieu in the rain! Transitioning later from wet cyclist to Runner, he was overheard talking about how important it is to always have a 'dry kit'.
At the Start, Contessa escorted the Walkers (who were present!), on the real trail while Long and Hard lingered in the Parking waiting for the coffee drinkers to show up. So this is how the walkers eventually ended up all strung out or 'java'd up', affording the 'early but late' arrivers a necessary advantage allowing them to shortcut the Walkers Trail.
Men with Arms
Meanwhile Walkers had been forewarned in the Parking to be vigilant to wear something fluorescent or bright as sanglier hunters were positioned on the first few kms of the trail. Aswe did not want to be mistaken for wild pigs we dressed as bright as possible. Walking down the paths patrolled by grim gun toting hunters stationed every 400 meters was not something to be laughed at. Reminded me of other instances in my past... of armed security guards patrolling gangs in Mexico City or police escorts in Egypt as the mini-van headed at daybreak to Abu Simbel. Although Smelly Poo did make us laugh at one point when she jumped in panic startled by a bird or small animal hiding in the brush, sending her leaping nervously a few feet off the ground…surely to have aroused adrenalin provoking the men with arms! My impression is that hunting was a totally boring sport. You sit or stand for hours, motionless with a rifle on your lap, while dogs run off and do all the work of chasing the poor animals up the hill. How many calories can you burn as a hunter? You'd be much better off being a Hasher chasing flour, get more exercise too!
The walk (known as the Circuit du Grand Duc) takes a circuitous route up and down the Domaine de Grand Duc covering the official hiking paths, Piste Barbossi, Piste des Fenouillers, Piste de Grand Duc , elevation 316 meters. A beautiful area for a picnic too. The area affords big views over the hills to the Esterel and all the way down to the sea, bay of Cannes.
Fast Runners and Missing Walkers
Had all gone as planned, the walkers would have met up at the same time with the runners at the Beerstop. But not only had the late arriving walkers changed the plans but also the 'escaping false trail' runners, the 'ole foxes, who somehow sniffed out the long falsies as not worth checking out. This meant that runners arrived too soon at the Beerstop thus Walkers on the 'real' course were seen as too slow.
Toss Pot had stopped to peruse a departmental map of the area/ panneau explicative of the foret communal and , was reminded of Africa, and for the rest of the walk he was virtually dreaming he was hiking the Cape of South Africa.
Acknowledgment goes to Returning Walkers Gorgeous Edna and Val for being in good form, not having hiked all summer . They managed the full walk and kept in good spirits throughout.
The Beerstop and Way Back
All Walkers eventually arrived at the Beerstop which was all too short for the late arriving Walkers. As The walk back was much shorter, and by this time the sun had come out. But despite the warmer weather, Mme Mouton feeling chilly, wore a long trench or a 'flasher coat' as Sabine smartly remarked. Then realizing she could walk easier without her glasses, was asked if she could see where she was going. She was later overheard to remark she "saw diamonds" on the Sentier de Decouverte and Contessa picked up the hint, "We're rich! We're rich!", she shouted.
All of the Down Downs were reported in the Runners Report . Beermeister Pedo was off sailing, he'd transferred Beerstop duties to Cumalot but the 'paraphernalia' used for SOTW was forgotten in the garage at Cumalot's house.
Long and Hard 's Haring talent is in arranging social engagements and she found us a great place for our lunch. She had organized that good fella's Marcello and Gerard were there waiting for us , 'L'orchide' was down in the center of Mandelieu on the side street off the rond pont. Decorated with Buddha painting, they offer a generous cold and hot buffet for the reasonable price of 17 euro! Worth returning!
Aside from all the good eating and talking the event of the lunch was when Padre to no fault of his own, had food shoved over face by Long and Hard when returning from the buffet (but it's all FB's fault as she told Long and Hard to push the plate 'up' !).After which Padre took revenge, to the great delight of the others in the resto , on looking diners were treated to a 'show' included with their meal!
Porky Rolls 2013. 27th-29th September
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R*n 739-741: NEXT HASH 27-29-Sep
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