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Never Cums

Report 734: St. Jeannet

By Wayne Kerr

Hares : Cumalot and Undergrowth.

For those of you who do not know who Cumalot is I have found a picture of him hard at work.

I am up.

If you are expecting bright eyed and bushy tail go catch a freakin squirrel.

Somebody had the great idea of dragging everyone out of bed in the middle of the night to run around St. Jeannet.

Who in their right mind gets out of bed at 0730hrs, on a Sunday just to partake of a Hash?

Mind you, who in their right mind goes Hashing?

The English and Aussie cricketers and the tour de France participants managed to partake of athletic activities lasting quite a few hours longer, in higher temperatures than our short sprint around the village of St. Jeannet, and they did it without a beer stop!

None of those complaining of high temperatures turned up anyway!

So, on that thought, here is what my Physics teacher taught me. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

At the appointed hour the car park was filling with Hashers, unless you are like Fairy Plunger, Virgin Mouth, Dirty Dingus and Padre who, because of some ambiguity in the directions regarding the start time, were there in plenty of time to partake of some social intercourse before the athletic exertions still to come.

He said, "The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose".

Cumalot gave some spiel regarding the markings which, because they had heard it so many time before, nobody paid any attention, except our visitor, Fireflaps, who didn't understand any of it.

We exit the car park and turn left with Cumalot leaving markings for any late arrivals, particularly in the shape of a Cougar who has been know to say she was going to attend and either turn up late or have a domestic disaster.

It must have been the latter this time.

So, just for her, a blonde joke:-

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a pro weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares,

"Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

The runners are now in familiar territory as the more astute recognize this trail as one of Cumalot and Undergrowth's from a few years back, except that it is being run backwards. The trail that is, not the runners.

Down the hill we go and Fireflaps makes the observation that initially she was worried we were going to be going up the big hill dominating the hinterland, The Baou of St. Jeannet.

It was then pointed out that at the rate we were descending we would soon be at a level where the climb back up would be greater than if we actually went up to the top of The Baou.

At the first check Modesty decided to run at right angles to the two runners in front of him when Padre called him back, he figured it would be better to try and keep the small pack together. However, Sadist and Perpetual Motion had other ideas.

We "lost" Sadist as he was sure he knew where the trail was going and Perpetual Motion because he needed the exercise, he had only cycled up from Cagnes sur Mer and not the 50 or 60 km he usually completes before the Hash run.

Was it the fact that he was wearing the race leaders yellow jersey that he was determined he was going to be out in front, especially as the trail turned right angles and started up a steep incline.

Was he after the polka dot jersey also?

We are now back on the Walkers trail for a check or two and then, after descending once more, we arrived at a junction where there is a choice of runners or runners plus.

Fireflaps wants to do F.R.B. light but, as she made a mistake earlier and admitted she had Marathon running experience, she was not given a choice.

And, besides, we all decided that as the trail had been set it was our duty to run it.

Figuring she would be left on her own she joined the others.

Little did she know that our ultra marathon runner, Dirty Dingus, pulled up lame and walked the remainder of the trail and would have been happy to accompany her.

Circuit completed, after a one an a half km. false trail, brought about because some careless builder had left crushed mortar on the road side looking suspiciously like flour. Tidal Dave was sure he was on the right trail and continued on his own until he to figured he was running away from a prospective beer stop.

As we returned to the check Sadist magically appeared from another much shorter falsie and then we are all safely back together as the Hors Catagorie climb up to the beer stop commences.

A pleasant early morning, quaffing cold wine, eating chips and enjoying the tremendous view all the way down to the coast. A game of name that village was played whilst Perpetual Motion rubbed his testicles with the wine cooling ice, hoping nobody would notice as all were intent to demonstrate their geographic prowess.

(See nominations for Shit of the Week)

Q. How do you know when you are out of invisible ink?

Beer stop over and Perpetual Motion wimps out and leaves it to the hard core to continue. The trail progressed on the flat and Tidal Dave surged to the front only to be called back as he had missed the trail turning in an upward direction. Another Hors Catagorie climb!

Tidal Dave was left behind here. Interestingly, he had peaked at the bottom of the hill.

It would have been an easier trail if we had gone to the top of the Baou rather than all the up and downs stuff.

But would we have enjoyed it so much? Answers on a €50 note to Cumalot.

A few multiple-choice checks which nobody falls for as we head in the general direction of the village, all be it about 150 metres higher than the walkers trail, then down to the quaint village of St. Jeannet where most of the restaurants refuse to acknowledge the Hash.

Who took great delight shouting, "ONON" as they ran past the diners trying to enjoy a peaceful Sunday lunch?

A squiggle through the narrow, back alleys of the village and before we know it we can see the finish with a 200 metre flat run in

All back within a few minutes of each other. So, as with a well planned

Hash, and making love, we came together by pure fluke.

Down Down Awards


Cumalot and Undergrowth


Mad Max, Padre, Modesty.


Tidal Dave, Virgin Mouth,

So Farewell then Tidal Dave

The economic tsunami has washed you
Back on to British shores.
You’ve been hashing with us
For many years
So we’ll miss you.
Ambidextrous too.
We’ll remember you
By the Riviera T shirts you designed
Frogs leaping, drinking beer,

With a message in the small print.


So Farewell then Virgin Mouth

Leaving us for a strange country-


No more Jammy Dodgers or

Just-past-sell-by-date Crisps.

What a variety you gave us:
   Salt and vinegar,
     Thai chili,
        smoky bacon,
           Cheese and onion
              lamb and mint,
                or just plain salted.

We shall have to go back to healthy snacks.

Send over some Cornish pasties.

"Properjob mi'ansom"


Durn genes, ytho! Which is Cornish for 'Farewell then'

And here, for those of you that do not know how Tidal was given his name.
It is because when he was sleeping on the top bunk and being a little worse for wear was unable to exit the bunk in time and proceeded to empty his bladder which went through to the unfortunate occupant below.
Such a rude awakening for this person, who was heard to exclaim,
"Quick the tide is coming in".

So how did Virgin Mouth get her name?
For being so quiet during her first few hashes that nobody though she could speak, How things changed over the years!

Visitor from Aberdeen HHH


Cheating; using local knowledge and running much further than if he had followed the trail


For underage drinking



The Hash goes to great expense to award commemorative mugs to cut down on global warming and Farty Bum came up with some lame excuse for not having hers, thus helping to destroy the planet.

Chivalric Award, nominate by Fireflaps

for all the help she received in making it to the Hash, Sadist, Farty Bum and Cumalot, all of whom received a gastronomic souvenir all the way from the U.K.

(Thank you Fireflaps for your kind gesture)

S.O.T.W. Nominations

Cumalot, for suggesting a democratic vote and Perpetual Motion, for his disgusting behaviour transcending Hash etiquette.

The winner by an unanimous, democratic vote;

Perpetual Motion

with the Down Down expertly administered by Fireflaps.

(I think she may have previous here)

We then retired to the local Thai restaurant for some Frenchified Thai food.

The cook was asked if we could have a more authentic Thai experience but the consensus was that it still was a pale imitation of the real thing, even with the alleged, extra, chilli type, stuff added. Fireflaps said, "It was not even that there was any spice in the food". But then again she did admit to a little fire eating in her spare time.

It was a tasty meal but might have fallen foul of false advertising laws. Never mind, if we give them enough notice next time we might have a positive result.

On the plus side there was ample wine and convivial company.

I just wished we had found out about Fireflaps fire eating, unicycle juggling earlier.

Paedophil said she could Juggle his balls any time she wanted.

She did say, she was to fire eating as Mary Poppins was to Death Metal and her juggling, on the unicycle, was as Tommy Copper was to ballet dancing.

If you think Padre and Dingus have terminal Hashing, how about Fireflaps, she had to catch five trains to reach the airport, to fly in Saturday night, in time to Hash on the Sunday. That is dedication for you.

ONON to Toss Pot and Paedophils birthday bash.

So cheap and cheerful it will resemble a Budgerigar on Prozac .

Away Weekends
More Info.

Lundy Island 9-11 August 2013
Details here.

Run 736 18 August 2013
Details here.

UK Nash Hash 23-26 August 2013
Details here.

Corsica 2013. 25th-29th September
Details here.

Try this link to find information regarding the Belgium Interhash bid for 2014.
Book early and obtain a good price. (If they win the bid)
To see what world hash events are coming up, check out this website:
Hash events.
Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

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R*n 735: NEXT HASH 4-Aug