RIVIERA HASH TRASH 732
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R*N REPORT 732
WALKERS' REPORT 732
50 Shades of Smut
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Run 732 was a major one in the hash calendar, being the memorial run for Knicker Licker & Big End as well as making a farewell for the soon to be departed Virgin Mouth (although she is still full of life, we could always extend the annual memorial hash to her as living in the West Country will be very similar to heaven, I'm sure....add your own comments to finish off the likeness).
Prestressed and Confusion decided to mark the event in the only way they know how, being to organise a massive dogging session in the Var. For those who aren't in the know or don't have access to Google, dogging is a deeply voyeuristic sexual act involving lots of dirty dogs in the deep & remote countryside. The excitement can be had by both those enjoying the dirty fun and the voyeurs getting high on it.
Cue a start point in beautiful but utterly remote country lanes, lots of dogs and a huge turnout of regulars & visitors and you have the ingredients for an exceptionally good dogging session. For the real connoisseurs, it was probably the biggest such event since footballer Stan Collymore was caught doing the same in the UK (my memory does not serve me well as to whether he was running with his local hash at the time).
Anyway, back to the turnout. It was made up of many regulars and irregulars, visitors and returners from the colonies such as Maneater without her man to eat in Australia, Shepherd's Bush Anne of Cleavage Idylweiss and Dirty Dingus from the original Great British colony and Dark & Moist from the mother country. Apologies if I missed anyone or any part of the empire from the list (I am well aware that I do not mention our visitors from Dublin, but they will never concede that Ireland was anything other than forcibly occupied by the evil empire). A notable absence was Padre, but his heart was for sure there in honour of the fallen ones.
Prestressed promised a flat and boring run but, as ever, he was lying. The June weather was fortunately not too flaming and was sufficiently comfortable for what turned out to be a 13 km jaunt round rarely hashed parts of the Var. The run was very much like a Perpetch trail, with lots of long jogs between checks and not too much shiggy (Padre take note). It started down a road before veering off into the inevitable forest. It was here that the dogging came into its own, with so many of them being let off the leash and, well, running amok with gay abandon. Even if I cannot attest to seeing much canine frolicking going on, they certainly got under everyone's feet and lazed in every single puddle they found. My only regret is that I do not know any of their names. Anonymous dogging must be the way to do it!
As the run was fluid, the (wo)men were soon sorted from the girls & boys. Dingus was accompanied as FRB by our incredibly whippet like Israeli Dubliner (sorry, I do not remember your name from the list of visitors in front of me) and other such Usains such as Cumalot, James & Christy, leaving perpetual stragglers such as Sadist, Supermarket Trolley and, err, Perpetch to straggle at the back. The stragglers got their comeuppance when they came upon Prestressed (not literally) at a check. As is his wont, Prestressed was shouting at Confusion that she had led the walkers down the wrong trail and took great delight in not helping the runners, who were clearly lost. After much umming & ahhing, said runners finally found some flour, only to lose it again very quickly. Fortunately, Sadist is used to such problems and managed to guide us to a check. Only problem was that it looked suspiciously like we had approached it from the wrong way. Never ones to be outdone, we checked every single falsie before finding ourselves back where we had seen Prestressed, who had by now mysteriously added flour going in the totally opposite direction. What a Sneaky Bastard. So sneaky, in fact, that Sneaky Bastard would have been very proud!
From here on it it was a pleasant jog to the beer car, where the two running groups found each other and exchanged war stories with the walkers. Beer stop over, Prestressed announced that there were 2 choices for the second half. Most runners elected to take the FRB trail but some slovenly ones (can't remember who, Cumalot), decided to take the wimpy short trail.
The FRB trail was actually very pleasant. As ever, our visiting Dubliner and the now beardless Dingus were nowhere to be seen - they were so far ahead that they were even not seen when slowed down by falsies. Other FRBs such as Perpetch and Supermarket Trolley were slowed down by the decidedly unsmooth tracks under our feet but eventually the trail came back onto the road where the dogging cars were shamelessly parked.
And so it was that everyone regrouped for the circle. There were many exhausted and panting faces from the (sexual) exertions. Jobsworth in particular had a face like a radioactive beacon, caused by his refusal to take precautions and cover up when engaging in the dogging session. The circle was relatively quick on account of the need to get to the resto on time. Cumalot again stood in as RA for Padre, despite there being a surfeit of ex-RAs in attendance.
Hares - Prestressed & Confusion. Thanks for a truly excellent trail.
Returners - Anne of Cleavage, Shepherds Bush, Dark & Moist, Maneater, Idyll Weiss, Dirty Dingus.
Visitors - Pullit, Itch My Rail, Stop Drop, Blow, 1 Sex Club.
Virgins - Karen NN
RAs past and present - Perpetch, Dingus, Dark & Moist, Cumalot
Playing pocket billiards - James
Dogs - Far too many to mention. A black one, a white one, a multi coloured one, a very dirty one.....
Rugby losers - Any Aussies or people with Aussie connections
There followed a dedication to the dear & departed Big End & Knicker Licker
And finally we came to sh*t of the week. The clear early favourite was Prestressed for wife beating as Skinny Ah So did the trail with her arm in a sling following a domestic. However, he was pipped at the post by Gorgeous Edna for some miscreance or other.
Circle over, it was time for lunch to give further dedication to our dearly departed.
And now to the nearly departed. Virgin Mouth's last hash before returning to the West Country will be the next one. She will be co haring and a good send off will be in order, particularly as she has also procured out of date snacks for us for many years.
A comment on her sanity. Why would she want to give up sun, great wine, great food and our exceptional company for none of the above? Apart from the call of her children & grandchildren I can see no benefit whatsoever! To give an example....I was in the UK last week and asked for a medium rare steak (burnt in French terms). The waitress came back to me and told me that it could not be cooked this way for "health & safety reasons". Steak tartare anyone? (Note to Saddle Sniffer & Rubber Maid - the offending restaurant was The Merlin in Alderley Edge. Beware!). Most importantly, many many thanks for everything to Virgin Mouth as I will not attend the next hash. You will be missed by us all.
It was a beautiful day for a Hash in the French countryside. Idyllic really. Aahhh the country road....
The Hash Starting Point, being difficult to find and with limited parking, it was decided we should all meet in the Intermarché car park and then car-share to the Starting Point. A great idea that turned into utter confusion for some. Follow the leader and all go together, that sounded easy until an original 1957 white Fiat 500 and a Sunday Driver looking for a place to buy croissants got in our way and we lost the pack. A quick dash around the roundabout and we were happy to see 2 fellow Hash cars in front of us... great... but a couple of kilometers later we realised "Oh no! They are going the wrong way!!".... About turn, urgent phone calls to Prestressed, and eventually we were all at the Starting Point.
The usual Flour & Symbols instructions were quickly given and then we were off. The Walker's Trail was very easy for once, in spite of the fact there was very little flour along the trail (due to the rain the day before). Lovely country roads, shady trees, flowers on the road side, green fields, flat most of the way, good company, laughing with friends. Catch up on the gossip... (note to self: be careful who you ask for the gossip because she might be the gossip!!!) We had no electric fences, stinging nettles, rivers to leap over, 45° hills to climb, rubbish dumps to struggle through. In fact it was so easy there is nothing to report!
Most of us found the Beer Stop easily, although some of the walkers were led astray and missed the trail at one point and had to double back. Beer n chips and music from the Beer Car; time to relax and catch up with old friends such as Maneater and Ann of Cleavage and Shepherds Bush who used to Hash here but have relocated to Australia and the US respectively. And its always nice to meet new people too. And learn things. For example, I learned that the country where the most Guinness is consumed is Nigeria!! Go figure! Is that just because the population of Ireland is 4.6 million (6.3 million if you count Northern Ireland) and the population of Nigeria is 162.5 million??
The beer and wine were flowing happily and then whistles were blowing and calls were made for the second half to start. Get your act together and finish your beer n chips. The Walkers followed the Hare along more beautiful country roads, shady and flat. How can this be..... so unlike the usual Hash... No nasty surprises around the next corner. No scratches and cuts and bloody kneecaps. Only lovely villas with large gardens, and horses grazing, and a country road in the afternoon sunshine.
And then we were back at the Starting Point. The total walk was about 6.7 kms I'm told. More beer n chips and chat. And then "Listen up everybody!! Form a Circle. Form a Circle." And so we did. A motley group of 30 something runners and walkers, and 6 dogs.
This Hash was the traditional memorial Hash to our dear friends Big End and Knicker Licker and we toasted their memory with cheers and love.
The down downs were numerous. I cannot recall what most of them were for though. The Hares Prestressed and Confusion (thank you, thank you), Returners, Virgins, Visitors, Birthdays, Dog Owners, Australians for some Lions Rugby game???..., a farewell to Virgin Mouth, and I have no idea what else. I do remember that Pedo was nominated for Shit of the Week because he forgot to bring the champagne... We were supposed to have champagne to celebrate the many recent birthdays... but he forgot! And he wasn't voted Shit of the Week!!! Gorgeous Edna was ....for some paltry misdemeanour. It seems to me that a lot of Hashers haven't got their priorities right!!!
I also remember that a prayer was read by the RA. It sounded a bit like the Lord's Prayer but all the words were wrong... they seemed to rhyme with the real words but they were all about Beer... huh?... what?... Cumalot could you post the words on the website please? And by the way you did a great job with your second time RA-ing.
The Circle closed and then we cavalcaded down the hill to the OnIn at Les Terrasses Restaurant where we relaxed in the shade and had a huge lunch and as much wine as you wanted as long as you were not going to be The Driver. During lunch Perpetch gave me the low down on the murder at his neighbour's place. It seems there are lots of loose ends and unanswered questions. Some wild theories were flying around the table. Perpetch? Just as well they were all joking, right?
And then it was time to say goodbye and go home. John Denver was singing on the radio...
Country Roads, take me home
To the place I belong
With beer in hand yeah, thank you Co-Hares
Take me home, country road...
Lundy Island 9-11 August 2013
Run 736 18 August 2013
UK Nash Hash 23-26 August 2013
Corsica 2013. 25th-29th September
Try this link to find information regarding the Belgium Interhash bid for 2014.
Book early and obtain a good price. (If they win the bid)
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Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 733: NEXT HASH 7-Jul
9.00 for 9.30
Hares: Farty Bum 04 93 20 22 91 & Virgin Mouth 06 33 76 79 74
After trying out and rejecting three trails, Virgin Mouth and I have finally come up with one we think is acceptable for Sunday's run.
We offered to do another July hash, so soon after our May hash, because everybody liked the one we did last year with the EARLY START TIME and a SECTION ALONG THE SEA, ALLOWING FOR A SWIM.
We debated about whether to have the beer stop on the beach, where everyone would swim at the same time and the same place, or whether to have the beer stop in a shady place, and then a section along the sea where hashers could go in for a swim wherever and whenever they felt like it, like last year.
We decided on the second option. So you don't need to bring swimming gear unless you want to - last year most people swam in their clothes, I think.
Starting point is the same place as last year - the big parking lot in Cagnes-sur-Mer.
You get there by getting yourself onto the bord de mer and turning up Boulevard Kennedy, at the corner of the hippodrome and the bord de mer.
If coming from Nice direction, turn up Boulevard Kennedy just BEFORE the hippodrome. If coming from Antibes direction, turn up Boulevard Kennedy just AFTER the hippodrome.
Boulevard Kennedy becomes Boulevard Marechal Juan, after the intersection.
Drive straight up Boulevard Kennedy and then Boulevard Marechal Juan, go under the railway bridge, and continue until you see the parking lot on your right. Turn into it.
PLEASE NOTE: You can NO LONGER turn right at the railwaybridge and drive along the embankment to the little tunnel that takes you into the parking lot from the back, because the direction on the parking lot road has been REVERSED, so that little tunnel now is for cars coming OUT from the parking lot, not going IN.
I think this is all you need to know.
Anyone with LAZY FAMILY MEMBERS who don't like to run (Cumalot and Jobsworth, for example) can tell their families that if they don't want to run they can just go and sit on the beach for the entire hash. They'll know it's time to go back to the parking lot when they see and hear the runners. (Dingus is here so there will be WHISTLES.)
Thank-you for your kind attention.
FB and VM