RIVIERA HASH TRASH 731
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Prestressed & Confusion
R*N REPORT 731
Jobsworth WALKERS' REPORT 731
50 Shades of Smut
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Madame Mouton decided to set a hash in Gattières on a humid day and was in clear need of male hashers to complete the steaming effect. First off, she roped Sadist in to getting hot & sweaty by setting it for her as she had a problem with her leg. She then repaid him with a 69 but gave short shrift to any ideas of exclusivity on his side by inviting 2 other hashers into her house during the beer stop to inspect her drawers. Oooohhh, Madame Mouton, you are a one!
And so it was that a small complement of regular hashers was augmented by a big complement of visitors in what was technically Gattières. Unfortunately for the directionally challenged, the start point was some 200 vertical metres below the village. Not a big problem for Supermarket Trolley in her car but you have to feel sorry for Perpetch who had cycled all the way up the mountain from the coast only to have to cycle back down again. Oh well, guess he needs the exercise.....!
It was an open secret that the beer stop would be chez Mme Mouton in the village some 200 vertical metres above the pack. Consequently, there was absolutely no surprise when Sadist set us off downhill towards the river Var. Doubly unsurprising was that he had found a murderous trail full of vicious hasher mauling brambles, ankle twisting rocks and killer insects, whose bites are still making me itch now.
The start sorted the men from the boys. Cumalot has taken over from Dingus as official FRB, at least for the first 10 minutes of every hash. He blazed a trail and checked out all the falsies, leaving Supermarket Trolley & Jobsworth to moan about how uncivil it is of Sadist (& Padre) to set hashes on trails they can only hobble along.
Comment of the week came from visitor Mac, all the way from Cancun via the Azores. He was distinctly unimpressed by Supermarket Trolley & Jobsworth's lack of running at the start, reminding all in listening distance that we were runners. Then what happened? ST & Jobsworth picked up momentum and started running up the mountain all the way to the beer stop whilst he slowed to a snail's pace.......hare & tortoise, I believe!
By the way, mention of the Azores reminds me of the only two bits of poetry I can recite. The first is boringly "At Flores in the Azores, Sir Richard Grenville lay" (prize of a down down to anyone who can quote the author). More pertinent to the hash is "To write a poem in 17 syllables is very diffic."
Anyway, I digress. Downhill fun & games over, we knew that the trail would lead to Gattières village. The only question was how. And the answer was through much steep upward climbing (Sadist mentioned that Mme Mouton was glad that he was hare as she did not fancy such a climb. Must be due to the aforementioned sexual exertions...). The trail wound uphill on road, off road, back on road and so on until it arrived at the village. Great, a short but energetic first 50 minute sexcapade we thought. But no! A fiendish check slowed the pack down (or was that just the effect of climbing uphill?) and mutual consent decided that it could not be straight on as that had been a falsie on a previous hash!
In the end, Cumalot & Jobsworth's local knowledge brought us to the sapping conclusion that the climb was not yet over. Unfortunately they were right and the trail led onwards and upwards above Gattières. It took us dangerously close to Klingon's old pad. I'm happy to report that his swimming pool has not slipped half way down the hill and that there is no sign that the house has been turned into a lap dancing bar since he sold it in favour of the delights of an Asian harem. Climb over, we wound back down to the beer stop in Gattières. The walkers were already there and Jobsworth led the pack in as an FRB, with Mac, the visitor who had said that the pace was too slow, ambling in at the back.
The beer stop was beautifully situated overlooking the plan du Var. Rubber Maid & Jobsworth were engrossed in a highly important question as to why the river Var has so many dams (we reckon to stop it silting & flooding the airport when it reaches the sea) when Mme Mouton announced that she was taking muscular Mac back to her house, supposedly so that he could use her internet. She needed a second hasher to join them and, with much chivalry, Jobsworth volunteered. Once inside, the task was to fiddle with Mme Mouton's drawers, which had jammed shut. If fiddling with her drawers was not enough, your scribe admits to rummaging through all her underwear in an attempt to unblock her drawers. Guilty as charged, m'lud.
Exertions of the beer stop over, the pack started off on the second half. This took in a run round the village, to the bewilderment of the locals before heading downhill (see, there is a benefit to gaining altitude on the first half!). The trail led through another fiendishly difficult field, in which the usual dangers of scrapes, bites and broken ankles were accompanied by an electric fence next to a narrow path. Rumour has it that Sadist had replaced the normal battery of the fence with a super charged one to give the pack extra stimulation on this sexually charged hash.
Once through the field, the run was a simple trot back to the start, where the runners rested from their exertions as they waited for the walkers. Once everyone was assembled, a "69 turned 96" birthday cake appeared for Sadist, as he was celebrating one or other of these milestone birthdays. Given the proximity to lunch, it was decided to cut the cake after the meal in the restaurant. Consequently the cake was proudly displayed in the more appropriate "96" position during the circle.
And so to the circle, ably presided by Cumalot in the absence of Padre.
Hares - Mme Mouton & Sadist. Thanks for a great hash
Scribes - Jobsworth & Contessa (no, Farty Bum, there's no trickery this time)
Birthdays - Sadist, who was presented with a cake in the form of 96 (or was it 69?) by Mme Mouton
Visitors - Vikingo & Muppet from Spain, Mac from Cancun, Hawkeye & Krisha from High Wycombe (gosh, we had some very exotic visitors today!)
Virgins - Paul courtesy of Marco, Michelle, virginal sister of Spanish Muppet, Blake & Diana from the virginal capital of High Wycombe
Returners - Hawkeye & Krisha (hey, I have them down as visitors & returners so who's counting?), La Levrette, Jobsworth
Late cummers - Farty Bum, Confusion, Supermarket Trolley, Perpetch, Fairy Plongeur
Mugless - there were some but I can't remember who they were
And so to sh*t of the week. It was an easy decision. In fact, I remember there was a distant runner up (Contessa if I remember well) but Farty Bum basically brought a sign with her that read "I want to be SoW", so who were we to deny her the pleasure?
And so the circle closed. The cake was packed up to be eaten as a dessert after the Daube at the resto. Off we drove to said resto, glad in the knowledge that the humidity broke into a big storm (well it did in Biot!) well after we were all inside.
Many, many thanks to Mme M & Sadist for a wonderful day.
Walkers' Report here.
Lundy Island 9-11 August 2013
Run 736 18 August 2013
UK Nash Hash 23-26 August 2013
Corsica 2013. 25th-29th September
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Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 732: NEXT HASH 23-Jun
Come and join us in a frolic through the forests above Tourettes in Canton of Fayence in the Var. The route will be relatively flat for a change, and the OnIn will be at chez Bruno, Les Terrasses Restaurant, so make sure you have a nominated driver!
In addition to the Hash commemorating our late, lamented Hashers, Big End and Knicker Licker, we will be welcoming returners, just for this Hash - Maneater, from Australia, and Ann of Cleavage and Shepherds Bush from the US. We will also be bidding farewell to Virgin Mouth, so make the most of the Walkers!
Hares: Confusion (06 95 70 99 63) and Prestressed (06 28 13 67 59)
Time: 10h15 for 10h45
Location: Junction of Chenin du Lac and Chemin de Pichot, Tourettes, Var
Exit 39 A8 Autoroute, Direction Montauroux, Fayence, D37.
After 8.5km, Roundabout Left, Direction Fayence, D562
After 5km, at 5th Roundabout (Les Terrasses and Intermarche on left), take 2nd exit to Fayence, D19
After 1.8km turn Right into Domaine Le Chevalier immediately before Citroen garage, Chemin des Vieux Moulins. Stay on this road uphill and on the flat
After 0.7km turn right Chemin des Mures.
After 0.5km, turn right Chemin de la Tuiliere
After 0.6km T-Junction right
After 150m T-Junction left, Chemin du Lac
After 100m park on left or along the road.
As Parking is limited, we suggest that you park at the Intermarche car park as above and car share to the start of the Hash.
For the directionally challenged, Prestressed will be leaving the Intermarche car park at 10h00, and Farty Bum et al, can follow him to the start. Just hope you can find the Intermarche!!
14h00 at Les Terrasses Restaurant, quart. Grandes Terrasses, D562, Tourettes. Tel:04 94 84 70 33
3 Course Menu including welcoming cocktail and wine €20.
Salade de Chevre Chaud
Faux Filet or
Saumon au beurre blanc
Pana Cotta aux fruits de foret.
Please let Prestressed know by 21 June of your main course choice (prestressed @gmail.com).
+334 9468 4204
+336 2813 6759