RIVIERA HASH TRASH 726
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R*N REPORT 726
50 Shades of Smut
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Aaaahhh, the joys of Easter. Sunny, warm weather, strong wind and a Spare Rib hash. A good crowd of regulars and irregulars met in the centre of Le Broc to appreciate the annual masochist's hash. Padre was heard mentioning to anyone who was listening that this hash is known as the "Hangover Hash". Not because of excesses the previous evening but because we always say "never again" but still subject ourselves to it each year.
Why such a reputation? Well, maybe some figures will help explain. Le Broc is a pretty little place at some 450 metres of altitude in the Arrière Pays behind Nice. There is absolutely no plateau here, just ups & downs. The valley below is at 100 metres altitude, Carros Village is 350 metres, Bouyon (to which we have previously run via 2 different mountains is 600 metres) & Bezaudan, site of a previous snowy beer stop is over 800 metres in altitude. Oh, they are also all many kilometres away from Le Broc. Add to this the hyper fitness of your hare and you can appreciate the apprehension!
Despite the arduous course ahead, Perpetch had set out to prove his manliness by cycling all the way to the start from the coast. Unfortunately, when the hash was over, some Le Broc youths (well I assume they were youths but truth be told they could also have been retired hooligans) had decided to test Perpetch's temperament by letting the air out of his tyres. Being a true army type, Perpetch reacted by allowing Jobsworth to put his bike in his car and hitching a lift down to the coast. No stamina, that man!
As ever, Padre started the run off on time. Runners & walkers set off in the same way, this being uphill towards Carros (yes, I know, if you read the above you will realise that Carros is downhill from Le Broc, but Spare Rib thought it would only be fair to use a bit of ascent to start us off). This being the Easter run, ribbons tied to trees signified hidden chocolate. This being the hash, Padre acted as sniffer dog to hunt out the chocolate.
The first part of the run saw the pack staying together, but soon it spread out as it went up & up, to give magnificent views of Carros far below. Tidal Dave & Sadist acted as FRBs, going ever higher up the mountain. Smelly Pooh, meanwhile, was very happy playing with the rabbit she had found on the trail. I am sure that the more traditional of you would associate such a rabbit with a chocolate one left by the hare. However, rabbits are also very popular female sex toys (or so I am told) and the way that Smelly Pooh was fondling, caressing & playing with it leaves me in no doubt that she believed it to be the latter. The fact that she later disappeared alone before returning with a big smile (see Padre's report) seems to prove tat her rabbit was of the latex rather than the cocoa/vegetable fat variety.
Near the top of the mountain, the FRBs found a dirty big cross, meaning that the pack had to descend all the way down again to a fiendish check. (Spare Rib later confessed that the cross would have been even higher up the mountain had he not run out of flour. Sneaky!).
This check proved to be the pack's undoing. It split in two, with the main pack finally finding the correct trail, as described by Padre below. Meanwhile, Prestressed, Dyson, Jobsworth & Egg Spurt from Sans Clue decided to take the direct route down to Carros, off trail (of course). The problem was that although the path started well, it quickly became worse than a Padre run, being full of steep scrambles, brambles (boy, did Sadist miss out on the opportunity to cut his legs open!), no paths and, errr, very smelly clay that Jobsworth slid down to bring him in contention for Shit of the Week later on. Eventually, the mountainside gave way to somebody's back garden and, as they were away, the intrepid hashers trespassed so as to find civilization. One quick phone call to Cumalot later, they were reunited with the pack at the beer stop. To put this in context, the scramble from the top was around 1km in distance but took an hour. Go figure & never disrespect a hare again. Not even Spare Rib!
And now for something completely different. The real run report for this section from Padre.
It was this check, halfway up the hill,which caused all the problems. Well, it was after Tidal Dave, Sadist, Eggspurt and Coco had been in a competitive mode trying to find the cross at the end of the false trail. This being a particularly long falsie and it took some time for all to reassemble, oscillating up and down the hill trying to find the correct trail.
There was more up and down than a whore's drawers. Spare Rib informed me afterwards that he derived great pleasure watching this little group disappearing into the mist near the summit of the hill opposite like Sherpa Tenzing and Edmund Hillary near the summit of Everest. Except they were not on a false trial.
Eventually, after much deliberation, the pack split into two with one section deciding the obvious trail was the one leading in the direction of the beer stop.
Cumalot being the a logical scientist agreed but as the Hare was an Arty Farty type logic did not come into it, and since when did logic apply in a Hash environment? So he ignored logic.
Eventually this sub group found the correct trail. That is the one marked with flour and not the blood on the other trail.
A quick, scramble, down, down, down, no not that sort, no beer involved unfortunately and a severe loss of altitude, with just enough time to take in the beautiful scenery and wondering about the serious up confronting us on the other side of the valley We were now trying to catch the walkers and beat Farty Bum to the eggs, the Easter Bunny had placed for our delectation, but to no avail the nests were robbed cleaner than a grave in the Valley of the Kings.
From here on, no talking, just gasping for breath. Smelly Pooh having experienced spare Rib's masochistic efforts previously decided to run a false trail down to the river, although she did not know it at the time, but she was convinced the B*stard was taking us the long way around.
So at the cross she re-oxygenate her blood, ready to come back up again. As well as re oxygenating her blood she also increased my French vocabulary but I being a lady I do not think I can use any of the words.
All I could think of was, "Yazz". The Only Way is Up !
And so it was, up followed by more up and then some more, and just when you thought there could not be any more up we were proved wrong. Eventually we arrived at the back of Carros and a welcoming sight of a few walkers milling around the beer car.
We were soon joined by the other slower/ longer trail walkers and the off Piste runners. Expert timing by the Hare.
Interlude over. And a very tasty ones it was too, with lots of yummy home made cup cakes & brownies thanks to Mrs Spare Rib, aka Christine. Thank you very much!
After the first half, the hare was concerned that the unfit pack could not manage a second gruelling session so he suggested short cutting the runners home (remembering that Carros to Le Broc direct involves a 100 metre climb). "Not a bit of it!" they cried and so, like poor pathetic lemmings, they subjected themselves to a second half that - yes - led downhill whilst the finish was up.
Mercifully, it was an easy downhill on road, followed by a vertical climb back to Le Broc that did not seem so bad (maybe compared to the previous travails!). The previous FRBs such as Sadist, Cumalot, Tidal Dave & Perpetch were definitely laggards on the second half, leaving Egg Spurt & Jobsworth to blaze the trail, presumably because they were fresh from having avoided much of the first half. Prestressed was nowhere to be seen, having elected to take the Walkers route back on the spurious excuse of having to leave early to go to the airport. Up to you, dear reader, to decide his real motive to avoid further pain!
Runners & walkers returned to the start in dribs & drabs (where does that expression come from?). More of Christine's yummy food was consumed & Perpetch showed his disgust at the ruffians who had deflated his bike tyres. Eventually, everyone returned and a short(ish) circle was held to mark the end of a very enjoyable run. My Garmin claims 12 and a bit km for those who short cutted, so the guess is 15 or so for those who didn't. It also gave up the ghost when downloading the data so the guess for total climb is 400 to 500 metres. Not a bad day's effort!
And so to the circle & down downs:
Hare - Spare Rib supported very perfectly by Mrs Spare Rib aka Christine (with special thanks from Farty Bum who was happy that Spare Rib did not march her to the top of the hill & down again).
Smelly Pooh for playing with an erotic sex toy on the trail.
Prestressed, Dyson, Egg Spurt & Jobsworth for heroically venturing off trail.
Egg Spurt for visiting from Sans Clue in Paris.
Marco (son of Duchess of Cambridge) for escaping from the ladies (not recorded whether he also escaped from Smelly Pooh's sex toy).
Cumalot & Farty Bum for not bringing their mugs.
Zohra, Halima & Susy for being virgins, thanks to Duchess of Cambridge in the first 2 cases & Coco in the last (shurely some mishtake - ed).
And as for the shit of the week, Mme Mouton achieved a deafening & resounding win over Jobsworth & Farty Bum due to her gross lack of etiquette, whilst the runners up had respectively, er, something looking like shit on their bum & for snitching on fellow hashers.
And so to the coda, once again provided by Padre. May I suggest next time that he cuts out all my drivel & writes all the report? He does a much better job(sworth) of it!
We then made our way to the new eating experience which was obviously going to be a more subdued affair than that previously offered by the Muppet look alike, Swedish chef, Gilbert.
The first thing that struck us was the number of staff. A 300% increase from before.
The second thing that struck us was just how much slower they were than when Gilbert flew solo.
The third thing etc., was the food was not as good.
Four etc., increased overheads means increased prices.
However, despite the Easter Eggs and half time cakes we were ready to eat which was due in part to the length and demands of the trail and the fabled view which was still stunning. Skinny Ah So, who had been flying at 30,000 feet for the previous 12 or so hours, managed to persuade Prestressed to drive her up from the airport just to look out of the window. She does not have the opportunity at work.
A good time had by all.
Did you notice it was April 1st. All fools day? Are you sure there were eggs hidden?
Lundy Island 9-11 August 2013
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Corsica 2013. 25th-29th September
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R*n 727: NEXT HASH 14-Apr
Hash - Run 727 will take place in Vallauris. It's a scenic, historic and never been hashed before!! Yes there is some up and some down.
Hares - No Grappa and Just Jenn (the American, not the blond Canadian)- VIRGIN HARES with the Riviera Hash so come support these harriettes!
Time - 10h30 for 11h00
Location - Vallauris
Meeting Point - We will meet at the Jean Marais car park in Vallauris, which is near the roundabout with the tourist office that leads down to Golfe Juan. But it is NOT the big car park just after the roundabout as that one is not free on Sundays. Our meeting spot is on a side street on the right hand side, JUST BEFORE the said roundabout if you are coming from the A8 or Sophia. It is easy to miss if you aren't looking for its sign (P Jean Marais) or didn't look it up first.
Google- Espace Jean Marais, entrance is off Avenue Martyrs Résistance, 06220 Vallauris?
Hash meal - 14h00 at Le Mesclun, about a 7 minute walk from the car park. Cost is Euro 20 for salade niçoise, daube à la provençale, choice of dessert and wine.
Booking - Ideally, please book if you are coming for the meal by Thursday night as this helps the restaurant prepare. Email email@example.com or call 06 1777 4331. Important for vegetarians - there is a choice of salmon but I must know by Thursday night.