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Never Cums

Run 697 : report (scribe runner : Filipo)

Australia (proper noun) : First attested 16th century, from Latin terra austrãlis incõgnita ("unknown southern land"), from auster ("the south wind"). (Etymology, Wiktionary)

It should have been clear from the start, when the hares Smelly Pooh & Perpetual Motion showed up both in Hash T-shirts from Perth. From their Western Australia heartland, they brought us a bit of a hard land. Scorching heat or dusty shade that brings the chill, now what's better? At a time when even insects rest, impossible to say.

Keeping in mind his duties, the scribe took fully the pleasures of on-the-spot reporting. So, the hash was subsequently, "long" for SuperMarket Trolley and "mal organisé" Coco. The last one definitely had to know something about it, since he got into trouble even before the beer stop. While running in this outback behind the Esterel, he twisted his ankle. Since the group was spread out over several kilometers, even the closest runners had to wait a while in the shade of a rare tree.

Now, a note about the setting. "Australia's [...] desert or semi-arid land commonly known as the outback makes up by far the largest portion of land." (Wikipedia, Australia article, Geography and climate). The ideal context for a proper CASEVAC, or casualty evacuation of an almost non-ambulatory Coco. As Pedo put it at the Beer Stop : "send in the marines". They would have come in handy, since it was starting to look slightly awkward. In the middle of the refreshment, we discovered that two people were missing. Namely, JingleBalls and "We Don't Know", as Dark&Moist put it. Have they returned back, have they turned their back? There were erratic calls for an "executive decision". Well, the execution should include the searchers, that went out without phones. As Smelly Pooh summed-up, we should always have "a hare behind the last ones".

The Beer Stop was indeed an occasion for an extravagant moment. Firstly, the not-so-long-ago virgin (originally US), Jennifer "No Name" was having a photo-shoot. Involved, in course, were, Ian (known to some as "The Brat") and Brin, "The Harry Potter Fanatic".
Secondly, a fact well noted down by the scribe, some severe anomalies in the stocks. List : Panaché, so eagerly asked for by Long&Hard, the walker that made it through from the missing ones. Kronenbourg. Vinegar crisps (or chips, depending on your side of ocean). Some rosé left almost unopened. Now, you wonder what's missing? No water. No multiple types of crisps. No cashew nuts! No German beer! What the hack is going on? In the eyes of some (or maybe many), the reputation of our revered Beer Meister has taken a serious blow. Luckily for him, he shall have plenty of occasions to fill the cups with all due diligence.
And lastly, the Beer Stop marked the opening of the 2nd "half". Now, the quotation marks are well in their place. Even some winding roads for the runners could add distance to what was almost a stone's throw away. But we shall be gracious and merciful to the hares. It was, after all, a virgin territory for a hash.

Now, for the finish, noted down on the hood of the Beer Meister's Holy Car, which seen after running still brings relief. The solicited public opinion was split, as usual. Between "rubbish" and "awesome", some tried to be more objective. But into shouting "too short", irony rained from the sky. As a matter of fact, for a hash that starts in "Fôret communale de Muy" and has a Beer Stop in "Fôret domaniale de la colle de Rouet", when it should be the same bloody area, it is clear enough that the length was more than sufficient. So, let's remember the words of Jennifer No Name : "dangerous" (since we had multiple casualties, including her) and of Chris (UK) "issued tiny amount of flour". Some put this to austerity, while they maybe hope for a change of wind coming from Holland (oh yes, the new president François also got mentioned).

One of our newer members asked, "Why did Sadist issue them so little flour?", but Sadist was in Africa so the question could not be answered.

Down Down List :
  • Supermarket Trolley for following backsides instead of flour.
  • Jenny the slim blonde for bunjee jumping with no bunjee cord.
  • Dark and Moist for leading us into the bush to a pee stop.
  • Filipo for being an FRB [that's Front-Running Bastard, Filipo and other new members] and going through a cross
  • Idyl and Farty Bum for being mugless
  • Jenny for perpetual lateness
  • Perpetch for being mathematically challenged (unable to provide the correct number of traffic lights in his directions)
  • Dark & Moist for typing an entire run report in capital letters
  • Virgin: Caroline (American with long blonde hair, accompanied by a dog)
  • Returners: Prestressed, Francine, Jobsworth, Never Cums, Snealy Bastard & Jingle Balls (back from visiting newborn Jack), Farty Bum, Mad Max and Jeannine, Chris & Val Oliver
  • Birthday Girls: Never Cums and Virgin Mouth
  • Shit of the Week nominations:
  • Perpetch for giving his co-hare the departure time of a non-running train, and for not having a mobile phone so she could contact him,
  • Sneaky Bastard because we all love him so much
  • Prestressed for shortcutting
  • Pedo for shortcutting, or possibly something else.
  • And the winner was Perpetch!

But the conclusion has to come to the beginning. Right at the time where the Virgin Caroline of Cannes got introduced (and forgot to drink at the end of the song) and when Dark&Moist confused Perpetch for Prestressed, all suddenly remembered the traffic lights. Oh yes, the magnificent " second set of lights turn left on the D25 towards Callas". At least five people got it wrong there. There may be a hare that is mathematically challenged, but still he's a bloody good fella! And all the propositions heard that day from Smelly Pooh were wiser than the usual Hash standard. So the merit goes also to the lady!

Starting with Roma/Gypsies/Road people or whatever you want to call them, going OnOn under 90° head-on sun, facing the anvil shape of cumulonimbus clouds on the horizon, burning calories and getting them back at the BS, the Hash 697 was "très spécial" (according to who the scribe does not remember, due to the amount of rosé in his veins at the time of the food, which was pretty good). So, lend your ear to Heart Land by U2, and think hard about the "social function" of the Hash (as Jennifer No Name put it during the dinner). Number 698 coming OnOnOn...!

WALKERS REPORT for May 13th 2012.

This report is written by a man. (Chris from St Jean de Cannes and NOT Les Adrets!) Therefore it will be more succinct.

The day started with the normal initiative test. ie Finding the meeting place despite some dodgy instructions. ( All good news for the petrol/diesel industry.) The weather was beautiful - plenty of sun, quite clear and with a cooling breeze. Later it became a little too hot but less of a problem for us walkers. Some 20 walkers took part together with one virgin dog. The other two dogs went with runners who it seemed did a lot of walking! Perhaps the dogs slowed them down !

One retributions and accusations concerning out of date railway time tables was resolved our valiant Hares (Smelly Poo & Perpetch) directed all on to a well defined and wide path. Dark & Moist ( also acting a Religious Advisor) quickly took the lead. However, when he took a smaller path many followed only to discover he was indulging his passion as a voyeur and inspecting the activities of courting couples. The Hares rushed up and got us all on the right route again. The walk thereafter was quite long and warm and up and down quite gentle hills. The views were magnificent with hardly human habitation in sight. Either side of the route masses of flowers were in bloom. The purple varieties being particularly beautiful.

Lack of flour on route ( probably due to the economic crisis within the Eurozone) caused a few unscheduled stops whilst people pondered the options. However normally a Hare arrived and told us the way. The stops did allow a more compact grouping of walkers some of whom were strung out over a long distance. Maybe too much talking does slow the pace down! One interesting aspect of the walk was the number, quality and colour of the hitech walking sticks in use. Perhaps this was the reason no walkers fell over. Dark & Moist nearly went when he got his legs tangled up with the walking stick. Thankfully he recovered his balance only to do it again.
The beer stop was a welcome sight. Everyone seemed ready for some refreshment particularly as it was some 90% through the walk. Well done to the Beermeister who managed to do some running as well as getting everything organised at this important time. Smelly Poo had been encouraging people throughout the walk with the promise that the beer stop was always just over the next hill. During the stop plenty of intellectual conversation took place. In particular if anyone wants to learn about the life and times of Benjamin Franklin, they should talk to the resident expert, Farty Bum. Many interesting T-shirts were on display making newer Hashers feel quite humble that they had not Hashed all over the world.

After the beer and the pouring of some refreshing ale down the front of Long & Hard we set off for the last and fairly short walk to the finish. The only problem being was that the route took us down a cliff face. All negotiated it safely and arrived for the Down Down.

A good time was had by all.

ZH3 Black Magic Weekend - 8th - 10th June 2012
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R*n 698: NEXT HASH 27 -May

This sundays extravaganza is brought to you by Too Cheeky and Serge, and will take place in the home of Serge's parents who fotunately have a large piece of land to fit us all in.

Food will be pizzas and barbecue and various salads and probably bits of dead animals, so if you don't want to stand around watching everybody else eat their pizzas and other goodies, phone me on: 06 14 76 38 23 and tell me you're coming and how you like your pizza, or you can starve to death, vegetarian pizzas are available.

Meet at 10.30 for 11.00 and don't be late !!!

Find your way onto the A8, which is our local motorway, point towards marseille, not Italy, and when you get to the exit 39 exit the motorway, turn right towards the lac st cassien, probably indicated "Draguignan" .
Follow the road past the lake, across a couple of bridges and up the hill to a large roundabout, take the 3rd exit , direction "Draguignan Fayence D562", follow this road through 4 roundabouts ( not including the one where you get onto the D562 ), and at the 5th roundabout take the exit marked "D19 Fayence Seillans", continue on the D19 past Fayence until you reach Seillans, straight through the village, and when you get to the sign at the exit of Seillans ( a large sign marked Seillans with a line through it) set your instruments to zero, or if you're a woman press on the reset button until you have a line of noughts.
Now follow the road for 5 kms, and then turn right into the chemin de gavouas, and park the car on the left in a small field.
Try to follow the directions because the reception for mobile phones is really bad, which means your phone will not work, and you will be lost forever in the wilds of the var !!
The whole thing takes about an hour from the antibes entry to the A8

So don't forget you have to phone to let us know you will be there or you can starve to death !!! 06 14 76 38 23