RIVIERA HASH TRASH 696
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Letter from Klingon

My opinion today is that Padre has either been partaking of the whacky backy or a young madam has been adjusting his running attire, which in his case amounts to very little.

The Italian Job !


Although I can not guarantee this report will contain the same level of prose as in the last report, which had Mme. Mouton (not the Dominatrix) waxing so lyrical and orgasmic, I will do my best to emulate their offering.

To set the scene.

Two virgin hares in the badlands behind Nice and an adverse weather forecast. Ideal for a Hash then.

Ann of Cleavage was wanting to stay in bed but because she and Shepherds Bush had promised both Padre and Smelly Pooh a lift, felt morally obliged to attend.

Here follows a brief description of the runners efforts to do justice to the Hares' dedication to ensuring all had an enjoyable day.

The run was once more delayed by those unable to follow directions or get out of bed in time.
Nearly 40 minutes after the stated meet time we eventually left the car park, with Padre chomping at the bit, cursing the antisocial behaviour, closely followed by Filip, who had set off at 0730hrs. to walk to the start and Perpetual Motion and Iron Lady who had been on the road for two hours. At least Perpetual Motion did not have to cycle all the way.

Out of the car park and turn right angles to the Walkers Trail to be confronted by a myriad of choices. Coco, adrenaline pumping, could not contain his enthusiasm and started to work his way to the front to lead the runners up the hill.
One or two wasted opportunities by the Hares as the trail split but the right choice was already correctly marked.
Put that down to either a lack of experience, or more likely the fact that it had been raining and the trail washed away. The two hares had spent all day Saturday tying orienteering marking tape to branches to ensure there was a trail to follow.

Once we reached the top of the hill the trail continued gently upwards, (So, not technically the top, before some smartass tries to correct me) but not at such a steep incline so as to inhibit running. Filip, Padre and Paedophil, stopping at regular intervals to commune with nature as the recent rainfall had transformed the forest floor into a multicoloured, mosaic tapestry of wild flowers and the view out over the countryside, stunning. I have been lead to believe there may even be one or two photographs somewhere attached to this report for you to gain some impression.
But not as impressive as the real thing though.

On up we continued, across the flat top and down into terrain previously Hashed about 10 -12 years ago. I do not know why we have not been back sooner as it is truly wonderful there. From here we headed towards the village of Balls Ache and then swung around the back to obtain a panoramic view of the cement works and quarry.
Filip pointing out his previous nights camp site on the other side of the valley. Quite some way away and an impressive distance to walk before the start.

Coco disappearing into the distance chasing after Perpetual motion, Sadist gasping for breath in close pursuit and the followers taking it easy admiring the view.

A startled local who was sitting minding his own business in the middle of nowhere was suddenly confronted by a group of runners inquiring if he had seen other runners. We quickly ascertained Perpetual Motion had turned off to the right and Coco had gone straight on. Regrouped, we headed forward, but at a slow pace, the flour and tape was proving impossible to locate when suddenly there it was in front of us. ONON we cried.
As we slowly made our way across the plateau a disheveled, out of breath, Coco caught us up. He kindly went back to look for us as we were not where he thought we should be. We had in fact missed a devious loop.

From here it was a short drop, down over the side of the hill and into the beer stop, to be met by the walkers who has ambled around the base, thus expending not even enough energy to warrant a packet of crisps ! That minor fact did not seem to deter them sufficiently to abstain from such calorific fare.
Although there was an observation of some competitive running here, it was missed by the Religious Advisor.
No Names ?

All together once more and enjoying the ambiance at the beer stop until our control freak starts us all off on the inward trail.
The runners ranks swelled by Jenifer No Name and Smelly Pooh, and later, the walker, Iron Lady, who somehow had managed to cross her wires and end up on the wrong trail. J.N.N said it was O. K. to run the second half as Paedophil was driving the beer car back.
Whatever could she mean ?

Some superb running country and better still downhill. We must have climbed higher than we thought on the first half. Coco, still full of adrenalin, was busy leading the way, until we reached the turn where the trail led home where he promptly disappeared, along with the trail markings.
Some confusion caused by Padre who was enjoying himself so much he tried to lead J.N.N., Filip and Iron Lady on a second lap. Fortunately, Sadist, at the finish enjoying his cold beer, was quite cheerfully shouting ONON, guiding the lost souls home.

About fifteen minutes after we had all finished a beaming Fairy Light entered the car park with his pockets full of red and white orienteering tape.
He had done the whole run on his own and arrived at the beer stop in time to see Paedophil driving off into the distance.

A very commendable first effort by our virgin hares, even more so considering the weather conditions and their need to tie the marking tape to branches.

The restaurant had a distinct Italian feel with more than enough food and plenty of wine. I recommend we put this on a list to return to again.

Thank you both very much our Virgin Hares; Andrea Previn and Coco.

P.S. Ann of Cleavage eventually admitted she was pleased she was emotionally blackmailed to attend and had a thoroughly spiffing time, high fives and all that American stuff.
I am getting worried about her; next she will be wanting peanut butter on her Jelly sandwiches instead of Marmite.

     
HASH REPORT NO. 696 SUNDAY APRIL 29TH 2012.

BAD VIBES WITH WEATHER GURU ONLY STOPPED ONE WETSPOT FROM HASHING.. WHY WITH A NAME LIKE THAT DID HE CHOOSE TO BE DRY?? EXCELLENT, CLEAR AND ACCURATE VENUE INSTRUCTIONS BY OUR ITALIAN NO NAME ANDREA PREVIN AND COCO, BROUGHT ALL TO THE EXACT START LOCATION INCLUDING THE RALLY DRIVING IRON LADY, WHO ARRIVED OFF ROAD AT 100 KMH WITH QUIVERING PERPETCH SHAKING VISIBLY... SO WAS I AS SHE WAS HEADING STRAIGHT AT MY CAR RATHER FAST!!

ALL DULY PRESENT AND CORRECT, APART FROM THE ITALIAN MILANO VISITOR, FAIRY LIGHT,(WHO OBVIOUSLY ISNT ITALIAN AS HE WOULD HAVE DRIVEN FASTER AND BEEN ON TIME!), WE SET OFF AS THE SUN CAME OUT AND A BEAUTIFUL DAY BEGAN!

THE HARES,COCO AND ANDREA, CONDUCTED PRE RUN INSTRUCTIONS WITH THE AID OF ECO FREAK ROAD TAPE, WHICH ALTHOUGH WAS RED AND WHITE PLASTIC, IT WAS BIO DEGRADABLE IN LESS THAN A MILLION YEARS, AS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF RAIN OVERNIGHT HAD WASHED ALL BUT SERIOUS DUMPS OF FLOUR AWAY!

MUCH CREDIT TO THE VIRGIN HARES WITH VIRGIN TERRITORY RESEARCHED MANY TIMES, EVEN OFFERING TO DO THE TRAIL ONE MORE TIME TO REMOVE THE ECO TAPE!

ANYWAY ON WITH THE RUN AND WALK... BEAUTIFUL, VERY UNFLAT COUNTRYSIDE, WITH YOUNG IAN, SPRAT OF JENNIFER NO NAME,BEING EGGED ON BY ANDREA WITH THE PROMISE OF BADGER VIEWING , ONCE THE MULTI LINGUAL WORD FOR BADGER WAS SOURCED!

THE WALKERS PARTY WAS VERY INTERNATIONAL AS ANDREA HAD RUSTLED UP VIRGIN ITALIANS , HIS SON MARCO, HIS SISTER MANUELLA AND HER FRIEND PIERRA,AS WELL AS OUR USUAL FRENCH, ENGLISH , AMERICAN WITH THEIR VISITOR BRYN, AND AUSTRALIAN AND NEW ZEALAND HASHERS...

TOSSPOT, WITH HIS USUAL GENTLEMANLY DEMUR, OFTEN BROUGHT UP THE REAR OF THE PARTY, CHECKING EVERYONE WAS OK!

LOTS OF PANTING BY THE ITALIAN VIRGINS ACCOMPANIED THE ARRIVAL AT THE HILL TOPS,BUT THEY ASSURED US THEY WERE HAVING FUN! THEY MUST HAVE HAD INSIDE INFORMATION, AS THEY DISAPPEARED ONLY TO BE FIRST AT THE BEER STOP...

THE RUN WAS FANTASTIC, SO MUCH PRAISED AT THE BEER STOP THAT 2 OF THE WALKERS, JEN NO NAME AND SMELLY POO, DEFECTED AND RAN THE FINAL PART.

THE CIRCLE WAS RIBALD, WITH THE OVERTLY SUCCINCT DARK AND MOIST PRESIDING AS R A!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOWN DOWNS...

THE HARES, ANDREA AND COCO FOR FAB WALK AND RUN AND ALL THE EFFORT THEY PUT IN.. PADRE SANG THEM A NEW SONG HE WROTE TO THE TUNE OF ONE CORNETTO!

THE VIRGINS.. MARCO,MANUELLA AND PIERRA

PHILIPO...FOR JUST WANTING A DOWN DOWN... ANY EXCUSE FOR A DRINK!

SMELLY POO... THE NON BIRTHDAY GIRL OBTAINING HER 50 RUNS MUG

VIRGIN MOUTH..FOR MIS BIRTHDAY INFORMATION!! FARTY BUM GETS IT ON HER RETURN!!

FAIRY LIGHT..FOR BEING LATE AND RUNNING ALONE AND IMPRESSIVELY NOT GETTING LOST AND FOR BEING ECO FRIENDLY AND COLLECTING THE OFFENSIVE RED AND WHITE PAPIER...

RETURNERS..TOO MANY TO NAME (I CANT ACTUALLY REMEMBER WHO THEY ALL WERE!)

SHIT OF THE WEEK... NOMINATIONS... MADAME MOUTON FOR INTERNET ABUSE EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ABSENT.. SNEAKY BASTARD AS ALWAYS, ALSO ABSENT!..HAPPY HOOKER FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO SOMETHING THAT MOST PEOPLE MISSED TOO..PEDO FOR NOT BEING UP TO SPEED AND COCO...HAPPY HOOKER WON MUCH TO HER DISGUST BUT COCO WAS VERY GENTLE WITH HER BOTTLE!!! LUCKY CONTESSA??!!( WHO GENUINELY WAS LATE AS SHE HAD JUST FLOWN IN FROM UK SO WE LET HER OFF!!)

THE ON ON WAS AT A FABBY FAMILY RUN RESTAURANT CLOSE BY WHO GAVE US GOOD FOOD , SERVICE AND PRICE. WELL DONE HARES AGAIN!!
AT THE NEXT HASH, THE RELIGIOUS ADVISER PROMISES TO BE UP TO SPEED AND DUMP THE JOB OF TRIP ADVISER ONTO SOME POOR UNSUSPECTING KEEN HASHER AND NOT HAVE TO DO IT HIMSELF!!!

ZH3 Black Magic Weekend - 8th - 10th June 2012
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R*n 697: NEXT HASH 13 -May

The Hash will take place near the Saint Endréol golf complex near the village of Le Muy. This is virgin territory for the hash

Hares : Smelly Pooh & Perpetual Motion

Time: 1400 for 1430 start.

Exit Le Muy (Sortie 36) and drive towards Le Muy village. At the roundabout just before the village turn left direction Fréjus/Saint Raphael. At the second set of lights turn left on the D25 towards Callas. After about 2 kms turn right on the D47 towards Bagnols-en-Forêt. After 2.4 kms you cross the bridge over the river Endre and the car park is immediately on the left.

3 course meal including 1/4 wine €20. Please let me know if you want to eat by 1800 on Friday. I need to give the restaurant numbers that evening. Please indicate if you want a vegetarian option.

ON! ON!

Perpetual Motion