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Contessa & Sadist


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Never Cums

19th February 2012 in Valbonne
Or; What a killer and that was just the Prawns.
By your tame Frog "Mme Peter Lesse." (Look it up !)

The dangerous directions were given by Hares Confusion and Supermarket Trolley which made us arriving by the exit way.

What a glorious day it was, looks like winter is over now and the people thanked the Religious Adviser for this welcome warmth and sunshine. It must be the reason why there was such a big turnout. Good to catch up again with all my Mates!

Big whistle, the Religious Adviser is calling for instructions that we have to, "Listen very carefully....I will say this only once".
Supper Market Trolley said, "This way" and promptly exited the car park at speed, warp factor, three.

The Magnificent Seven followed somewhat tardily. Smelly Pooh keeping her "Barbie Doll, pink ski vest tightly fixed to the neck as she had just returned from Oz where the temperature was a balmy forty two degrees." Strewth Sheila how do we keep the tinnies cold "?

Only a few folks decided to run to keep warm, with the "Ladies Walking Brigade becoming ever larger, as in fact it was a bit chilly at the very beginning.
(If the lazy buggers would only run there would not be a problem with the cold. Ed.). Very quickly it was confusing to find the right direction but what do you expect from Confusion, so, as a matter of fact we lost a couple of runners after fifteen minutes. We carried on thinking they should catch up sometimes, Cumalot was lost with his son, Undergrowth. Well it was their fault for picking the longest false trail of the day. There was no checks for a while as the trail was on the cold side of the hill. We decided to stop and wait for them when Smelly had a oui oui and surprised by a French runner coming from nowhere and swear he did not see anything. (I would not admit to that either Ed.)

So, a quick visit to the river Brague and the runners are looking for a circuit around Sophia Antipolis as this used to be the training route Supper Market Trolly used for the Nice half Marathon.

When we run by the river we could see the ice still lasting from the night. Winter is not over then.

Jobsworth kept coughing all the way spiting his bugs. But no, the check catches all out and it is back up the hill the "wrong way" towards the start, again. Oh, la, la, où suis-je? Quoi, qu'est-ce donc qui se passe ? Nous sommes perdus, où êtes vous ? All sudden we see the hare with a menacing voice "Where are the others? You have to look for them?" Padre wanted to look for the lost ones but ended with a false trail. Perpetual Motion said, and I paraphrase here, "F..k em " and carried on running. Nice to know he is all heart !

After a long one and at the corner we caught up with the lost one, it was good to be all together, except for Sadist who was still desperately trying to catch up but at least all the checks had been kicked out for him, and then some disappeared again and split up. A lot of ups and downs and rocks to slip on;

I followed Perpetual Motion but after a while there was no flour anymore and when we came back the checks were not helpful so we ended near the road on the opposite side of the Hash trail. I suppose this is what you get when you run behind a soccer pitch and some Non Hasher is continuously blowing a whistle.

O.K. So, we got lost.

Then it never ended in the hell with sore knees. This is where Smelly Pooh demonstrated her new command of the Aussie language and embarrassed all the males in hearing range with her choice of words to describe the "No pain,no gain, " mantra.

We saw a lot of Sangliers holes all fresh from the morning. It was too bloody cold, recently, for them to stay up the mountains. Alors j'ai pensé à Obélix, il aurait pu nous venir en aide ce gros fénéant.

Sauvés!! Voilà le beer-stop, enfin après 2.30 de course seulement pour la première partie !! Well that is what it felt like !

Then the second part was a simple affair and pretty short to get back to the parking for the circle. The runners had a gentle detour to ensure they did not get back to the beer too soon.

Padre was observed racing but was forgiven as he had actually managed to get Lazy GaGa and Cell Queen to run. Which is more than their Fathers are able to do !

Undergrowth participated in this little contest and was extremely P....ed off that he can still not beat the old bugger, Padre.

(He is getting closer though, Ed. )

His rather artistic response, for coming second, was, "I am keeping my rhythm". Should have been awarded a Down Down for that excuse..


Hare: Supermarket Trolley and Confusion.

Returners: Slasher, Smelly Pooh, Virgin Mouth, Whores In, Idyl, Archiballs & Whingy-la-Pooh

Virgins: Jennifer and son Ian, Contessa's Italian friend Elio

Lost on Trail: Confusion (The Hare !)

Birthdays: Ian (8), Undergrowth (13), Supermarket Trolley, Rubbermaid

Mugless: Paedophil, Sadist, Mme Mooton, Idyl, Whore's Inn

Dogging: Perpetual Motion, Smelly Pooh

Cheating: Rubbermaid, I couldn't figure out why we sang the Welsh National Anthem for his Down Down until I was informed the Saddle Sniffer was in Wales and he preferred to stay in France on he own rather than accompany her to Wales.

Throwing Rocks and Inciting Dark & Moist to Throw Rocks: Dark & Moist, Paedophil,

Going Into the Woods with Two Italians: Contessa

Shit of the Week: Paedophil? Sorry, I didn't write down why, or who were the other nominees (Looks like a Shit of the Week nomination there as Farty Bum suffered a dereliction of duties, Ed.)

And the winner was Paedophil., mainly because he was trying desperately to win such that Jennifer would administer the Down Down.

It has since come to my notice that Dark and Moist was observed not only running but doing a passable imitation of sprinting. Could this be due to the fact that when he asked Jennifer if she had found the start she said she was not sure. So Dark and Moist volunteered, reluctantly to go back for her. He inquired, "How will I recognise you,?" She said, "I am a tall, slim, blonde".
The circle was cut short to enable us to reach Jimmy's at the agreed time, although we had to wait so long to be served after we arrived we could quite easily have continued with the merriment.

Still, when the food did eventually arrive it was not too bad although the wine ration was rather meager !
Somebody should torture Mad Max until he agrees to have his wine rather than say, "No thank you".

I am sure we could have found a suitable, willing, orifice into which we could have poured it.

Walkers Report

Dark and Moist set the scene at the start by leading the eager walkers on a wild goose chase around the car park. With highly tuned walkers pawing the ground to make big strides forward, Confusion was resolute in holding them back to await the American late but welcome support, a la WW2.

The Europeans decided that they could go it alone and boldly went where even Confusion, our confused hare, had never been before.

The yanks finally arrived and with Dark and Moist, diligently pursued the advance party. Confusion spun around a few times, made contact with her inner GPS and marched forth with great purpose.

On approaching a raging torrent, the advance infantry leapt nimbly from stone to stone before reaching the other side. The laggards were to suffer once again by the reprehensible behaviour of Dark and Moist, who threw boulders into the water to test their considerable resolve. All survived and enjoyed the final uphill challenge to reach the beer stop.

An unconfused Confusion finally led her obedient troops through the marshes to the final down down. Contessa, however, led the Italians on an unknown route into the woods, before finally emerging at the end of the down down, minus one Italian! She has such a voracious appetite!

From your renamed Walkers Jinx (Rubber Maid)

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