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Hash directions should go torhhh@yahoogroups.com

Have your say-got an opinion? Give it to me and I'll publish and be dammed

Never Cums

Run 689 3 Blondes start the year off

For the avoidance of doubt, as the nominated scribe Long & Hard has to go to Roumania, the anonymous scribe signing Farty Bum is rumoured to be Padre, Sadist, Cumalot, Incredible Hulk, Wetspot or someone ............well, maybe......

Now the hares were meant to be the blonde duo of Cum Cum and Fly Me but last minute emails announced that FlyMe had cattitits and would be unable to be there but her place would be taken by Dancing Scrubber who had become a blonde especially for the occasion. Most people were too polite to inquire what was this malady which had afflicted Fly Me as it sounded of an intimate personal nature; not so Padre, who discovered that Cumalot had got Cumsquicker's permission to look after Fly Me's pussy but after a few days had lost it when taking it out for some fresh air. Poor Fly Me was distraught (as you would expect ) and had spent days in fruitless feline pursuit to no avail. The search continues; so if you see the missing mammal (picture on Riveria Hash House Harriers Facebook page) do let FlyMe or Cumalot know.

So in spite of the blonde disorganisation and warnings of a tough trail, a huge crowd gathered up a muddy track in the Esterel mountains for the first hash of 2012 without any complaints about the directions. Happy Hooker and Dark & Moist arrived from UK for a winter break to see how things were going without them and had sneakily followed the trail the previous day to see that the flour had been laid correctly and had obviously survived in spite of lack of 100% wireless coverage over the terrain and confirmed that it would be a long trail.

Among the instructions sent out was a warning that hunters would be about; only Contessa in her hi-viz jacket seemed not to have a death wish as few were wearing bright clothing. No lepers not even the dog wore the recommended bell. Some hashers had been out to buy the recommended footwear of stout walking boots- C More Pussy obviously stayed away to avoid Padre's sarcastic comments on inappropriate shoes. Last instructions from Cum Cum was that flour would be on the right (unless you were walking backwards for Christmas when it would be on the left).

So we set off. And there was flour. Even though it was obvious that the trail would carry straight along the main track, just to get their money's worth and to encourage the virgins, Padre and Sadist checked out the false trails at the start- the first up a frosty path, the next through a load of horseshit. This meant that the walkers had a good start and had to be disturbed from their conversations by the fleetfooted athletic runners passing through. Sadist alone checked out another long false trail by the strange concrete graffiti-covered church and fell behind the rest who had by now started on the mountaineering part of the trail. Although we had a fine sunshiny day, the trail seemed to be in the dank cold paths. It got steeper and steeper, mountains on all sides. How could the walkers follow this trail? Dyson was running back and forth up and down the mountainside from Padre out in front to Prestressed further down. Fine views all around - the sea and islands of the bay of Cannes, the mountains of the Esterel, somewhere on the horizon was Cumalot out in front still searching for the cat. The sound of rain indicated that the weather was going to change- but no it was only Prestressed relieving himself behind a bush. Oh dear, Dyson saw this and was later to imitate his master and to piss over the side of the coolbox. Virgin runner Andre had brought his speaking guardian angel who announced the GPS position, weather forecasts, stock market prices, vital bodily functions, water depth and submerged rocks. Fortunately no Titanic moment when there would be dalek sounds of 'Emergency! Emergency!' or Mayday! Mayday!

Eventually we reached the top of the ridge and headed further south where we got to a road. The only way must be down. So letting gravity take over, Philip streaked past to the next check. We laughed when he decided he would check up the uphill path and the rest of us continued down the road as Pedo told us this would lead to the beer stop which was a lot nearer sea level. Notwithstanding this insider information, there was a big cross some way down the road and we all had to retrace our steps uphill back to the check. After a bit the downhill direction resumed and somehow there were groups of walkers ahead, who had no doubt not climbed the dizzy heights of the full trail. It still seemed a long way to the beer stop as we had been running for an hour and 45 minutes according to Padre.

Apart from a few stragglers, arrival of runners and walkers at the beerstop seemed pretty well co-ordinated. Farty Bum decided that after the beer-stop she would go off with Pedo and abandon Mad Max ( what is it with these married ladies ? still no news from Iron Lady about her husband's awaited demise).We watched a few French drivers try and wreck their cars as they failed to notice the gap between the level of the road surface and the off-road level and then we set off again.

But instead of heading downhill we had to again slog uphill- this time the trail seemed to be marked by assorted dog, goat, wild boar and horse shit (can't we just use flour- much more hygienic) which must have inspired Dark and Moist to try singing the shitty-trail song in the circle. But why grumble? eventually there was flour and it did go downhill but quite steep and slippery with loose scree ; even Madame Mouton and Jingle Balls who had opted out of the difficult first half managed to get down safely to the finish.

So there was a circle- interrupted many times by passing cars, horse, cyclists, mimosa pickers and ramblers- led at first by Padre who had to postpone a confrontation in the circle with Farty Bum over matters of disputed reportage, but who immediately handed over to Dark & Moist who was taking up his position of duly elected RA (when in the country).The new RA announced there would be singing-but failed to say there would be new songs or to distribute hymn sheets. He had his own cribsheet for running the circle but it didn't cover the unruly behaviour of the disrespectful attendees, some just in their socks to avoid New Shoes awards.

Down downs for
the Hares - Cum Cum, Dancing Scrubber and FlyMe ( who had joined us for the circle)
New Shoes- Sneaky Bastard, Dancing Scrubber
Returners-Archieballs, Semen Monster, Fairy Plunger, Happy Hooker, Whingy Le Pooh
Flashing- Iron Lady
Birthday- Sneaky Bastard
Virgins- Craig, Michelle, Andre
Shit of the Week nominations -Contessa for telling tales, Sneaky Bastard for trying to avoid a down down, and the winner was -Dyson for fouling the cool box (taken by his master Prestressed)
Here are the words to a song for the hares when asked 'what did we think of the trail?' S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L
Shitty trail (it sucked)
Shitty trail (really f*cked)
The hares went and laid a shitty trail
I would rather drink a beer than hash your shitty trail

Signed traditionally as
Farty Bum

Paris 800th Birthday - 17th - 19th February 2012
Paris Hash Turns 800.

Try this link to find information regarding the Belgium Interhash bid for 2014.
Book early and obtain a good price. (If they win the bid)
To see what world hash events are coming up, check out this website:
Hash events.
Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

Look left
R*n 690: NEXT HASH 29 -Jan

Next run 1100hrs. meet for 1130hrs.start.

I have been asked to provide directions to aid the directionally challenged, so here they are. This will be the start and OnIn venue.

1. Take Exit 39 from the A8 Autoroute.
2. Follow D37 , direction Fayence.
3. After 8.5kms, roundabout (Junction with D562), straight on to Montauroux.
4. After 1.5km, T Junction right direction Montauroux Village.
5. After 1.1km, Turn Sharp right, Signposts Chemin du Cougordon, Chemin de la Fregiere, M&Ms B&B.
5. After 150m, Fork right, Signpost Chemin du Cougordon, Chemin de la Fregiere
6. After 100m follow road downhill to the right.
7. After 50m, turn right and immediately left into 154 Chemin de la Fregiere.

If you still can't find it call one of the numbers below, but do not expect sympathy!!

+334 9468 4204
+336 2813 6759
+4479 0359 7104

Chef; Skinny Ah So.
Hare; Prestressed, Co Hare; Padre

The Haggis Hunting season has** begun well and I have had the good fortune to locate a source of Free Range, self sustaining, Haggis and will be assisting Prestressed and Skinny Ah So in preparation for the Hash, traditional, annual, Haggis feast.

Therefore, if you are planning to attend the hash 29th. January and want to eat you will need to book so we may place the order with the hunters.

Members €15 ; Non members €20 The meal will be,
Starter; Soup and Garlic Bread
Main; Haggis Neeps and Tatties
Desert; Brownies and Ice Cream

Laphroaig Single Malt, wine; red white or rose. and the usual assortment of fizzy, sugar laden, soft drinks.

No Booking = No Food*

*Book now with Padre by E mail, - padre.rh3@gmail.com - Numbers will be limited and will be on a first come basis.

Book now to avoid disappointment*!