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Never Cums

A dark, moist trip through the valley of happy hookers

Dogging - A euphemism for engaging in sexual acts in a public place or watching others do so. There may be more than two participants; both group sex and gang banging can be included.

So you thought you knew all about dogging after following the sexual exploits of famous English footballers a few years ago. But, be honest, have you ever participated in their fantasies? After this weekend's escapade near Tanneron, we can proudly add that claim to RHHHs "been there, done that" list.

October in the Siagne valley was like July.....sun, fun and high temperatures (even more so after the sex games). A good crowd of walkers and a pathetically small group of runners assembled in the early afternoon sun to be welcomed by Happy Hooker and that bloke she hangs around with. Oh, what's his name....it's escaped me. Long & Hard? Dark & hard? Moist and long? Nope, can't remember but it will come to me eventually. Being walkers, they happily sub contracted the runners' trail to Padre, who promptly took pity on the pathetic gaggle and agreed to run it with them.

Bisous over, it was off. Runners went one way, walkers the other. The run started down the road, with Perpetch & Jobsworth missing the first check and running into a very long falsie. Prestressed was much more intelligent and managed to follow the trail. This was, of course, nothing to do with him hanging back and nattering with Padre, who guided him astutely into the bushes for some frolicking.

Perpetch & Jobsworth dutifully followed and were rewarded with a loop that got their feet very wet as they crossed the river and scratches galore as Padre's trail resolutely refused to follow any track. Torture finally ended some 800 metres and 20 minutes later when we escaped from the barbed wire and found ourselves back at the start point.

From this moment, it was clear that the trail would follow the walkers. Back it was down to the river, but in the other direction. The trail followed tracks this time, though these are probably now caked in the blood that was still flowing from the cuts incurred in the initial falsie. The runners reached a bridge, guarded by Padre. Was the crossing this easy? Was it hell ? it crossed the Siagne at probably the only point where the water is both deep and fast flowing.....though it has to be said that it was incredibly refreshing as well!

After the river crossing, it was uphill all the way to the beer stop, though with time to stop and jeer at the walkers brigade stragglers.....C More Pussy, Tosspot, Sneaky B'stard etc (insisting that they had only stopped to let each other catch up!). Once at the beer stop, Pedo volunteered to drive back down the ravine to fetch C More Pussy, who found his actions so gallant that she decided not to walk the second half but to stay in the car instead.

At the beer stop, we heard about the sexploits of the walkers. Apparently, they were walking along the river bank, minding their own business when they came upon (maybe in that sense of the phrase as well!) a young couple engaged in physical activity that required the removal of clothing and insertion of certain elements into certain orifices. So entranced were the walkers that they joined in and RHHH can now be proud to say that we are an official Dogging hash!

The episode had clearly traumatised Cum Cum (which is not easy to do) and she made it clear that she really hates salty nuts - big and small. Well, Cum Cum, I must give you a geography lesson....the Siagne is a freshwater river, so you need not have worried about the salt on the nuts you were enjoying. Next time you will know & be able to join in the fun! Meanwhile, Cum Cum's buddy Dancing Scrubber whiled the beer stop away by being very, very nice indeed.

Beer stop over, it was time for the second half. The good news was that it was principally downhill, allowing spectacular views of the countryside. For many kilometres, we were the only souls out and about, until we heard the sounds of civilisation. Was it the walkers? No. Some locals? No. What it was was a bunch of intrepid Brits out on a Sunday hike......meaning that they would rather do it here than in soggy Britain and the French would rather not do it at all!

Eventually, the runners reached the bottom of the valley, where they caught up with the walkers, who had decided that it would be much more fun to have a communal swim. Lead perpetrator was hare Dark & Moist (oh yes, I just remembered his name!), who managed to seduce many a hashette into his cool and moist clutches under water.

The swim stop marked the end of the hash, as it was but a short jog back to the car park, where we found that C More Pussy had conjured more hashers out of thin air. We should really call her Paul Daniels! In fact, ex locals Shepherds Bush & Anne of Cleavage had arrived late (or early if their intention was only to enjoy the resto afterwards!).

Once reassembled, Perpetch brought his Sergeant Major skills back out of retirement to stand in as RA. One day, I will take notes as to who "won" what, but for now the following must suffice:

Hares - Happy Hooker, Dark & Moist, aided & abetted by Padre. Thanks for a great hash
Various accusations
(I really shouldn't leave it so long to write the run report)
Eventually, after the many nominations that I have forgotten, we arrived to Shit of the week. Sneaky B'stard received the obligatory nomination, but the award fell to Jobsworth for not paying attention to the circle (as you can see from the above lack of detail!) and preferring to share jokes from his phone instead. He compounded the problem by totally failing to recount the jokes before taking his punishment.

So, here in full are the two offenders. Any unauthorised use on Riviera Radio will be punished severely. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked & pleasuring himself in front of a tractor. "Hey Paddy, what ya doing"? he asks. Paddy says "well, Mary & me haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist said I should do something sexy to attract her".

I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there!

Probably worth a year of SoW nominations!

Try this link to find information regarding the Belgium Interhash bid for 2014.
Book early and obtain a good price. (If they win the bid)
To see what world hash events are coming up, check out this website:
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Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

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R*n 683: NEXT HASH 16 -Oct

UPDATE! Please allow extra time for parking - barriers have been erected!

Meeting place: 'La Pinede', Juan les Pins, where the 'JAZZ Festival' takes place
Boulevard Edouard Baudoin, 06160 Juan les Pins

Time: 14:30 for 15:00

On-On: 'Le Capitole, 22, Avenue Amiral Courbet, Juan les Pins, after 19:00
Tel: 0493 61 22 44

Price: Menu about 14 Euros

About the walk:
Come prepared with walking proper shoes.
Not suitable for pushchairs. It is probably better to keep dogs on a lead.
Weather permitting, stunning views will be guaranteed.
Half of the route is uneven, including some climbing up and down steep steps
If you have a small water bottle, suggest you bring it along.

About the run:
Not sure yet, but the default is down and up and around a bit and then probably up again.

More directions:
Be prepared for traffic chaos on a sunny day.
Take exit '44' from 'A8' and follow the signs to 'Juan les Pins Centre'.

From the centre of 'Juan', make sure you have the sea on your right, follow the sea road, direction 'Cap D'Antibes'..
'La Pinede' is the site of the annual 'JAZZ Festival' and the area doubles as a 'boules' place at the weekend.
'La Pinede' is on the right, just at the start of the sea road around the 'Cap', opposite a derelict white building called 'La Provencale.
If you pass the Hotel 'Belles Rives' on your right, you have gone too far.

There are many side streets opposite 'La Pinede' where you can find parking.
(The small car park at 'La Provencale' is now closed).

Hope to see you there!

Any questions, please call 'No Satisfaction' on 0617401343 or email (elaine.minter@gmail.com)