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Runners Report

Perpetual Motion's 60th Birthday Hash

Hashers old and new gathered in the Var, under the midday sun, on the hottest day of the year, for the start of Perpetual Motion's 60th Birthday Hash. What's that they say about "Mad dogs and English men"! After waiting several minutes for the Bier Meister and Hare to return from parking the water laden beer car, we were off, walkers and runners alike, drifting out of the car park, happy in the knowledge that this would be a short 'token' hash. The trail led inevitably into the forest, where the Hare had strategically laid the trail to avoid what little shade there was. After having run several long loops, which included numerous false trails, most of which were mercifully checked out by Lou Loup, we finally arrived at the lake. It was at this point that the runner's and walker's paths crossed, with the walker's trail continuing to gently meander around the side of the lake, whilst the runner's route was a near vertical climb out of the valley. Not surprisingly, several runners suddenly decided to become walkers for the day and the Hare vanished into the midday haze. When the remaining runners finally got to the top of the hill, we sighted a road and very optimistically assumed that the beer stop was near at hand. No such luck, it was just the Hare reminding us where his true roots lay. The trail eventually led back into forest where we ran/walked/crawled for another 50 minutes before seeing another bit of tarmac, surely this must lead to the beer stop, wrong again, this was just a cunning way for Hare to introduce us to another section of shrub land. After scrambling around aimlessly for another 20 minutes, the last of the runners finally ran out of water, at which point, No Satisfaction very kindly offered to share her sun tan lotion, but despite the high moisture content, most runners politely declined on the grounds that death by dehydration was preferable to death by acute toxicity poisoning. Suddenly, from nowhere out popped our very own family of Leprechauns, going in the opposite direction, with the parents looking very hot and sweaty, whilst the kids looked cool and calm, obviously enjoying their piggy back rides. It just goes to show once again that the under ten years old are by far the most intelligent hashers. The runners trudged along in the forest for another 20 minutes, by now totally lost, when we spied what we thought was a mirage, but on closer inspection turned out to be the bloody lake again. By this point we had well and truly lost the plot and had resigned ourselves to drinking our own urine, or each others, which ever tasted better, when we sighted a B, which was just as well in my case, since I didn't feel the urge to go until 8 o'clock that evening. Finally, in a somewhat bedraggled state we made it back to the start either on Shanks's Pony, or in Assessceguy and Tinkerbell's case, by chauffeur driven 4 x 4, only to the greeted by walkers shouting to us "Hey, we've just finished the last of the water".
I'd like to propose that as with Her Majesty the Queen, God bless her, Perpetual Motion should have two Birthdays each year, the official Hashy Birthday being in April or May or September or June or January....... I'll certainly drink to that (water of course).

On to the circle and Margaret and Malcolm's house for the OnOn, the real reason we were here.

Downs Downs

Hares: Perpetual Motion and Malcolm
Hosts: Margaret and Malcolm
Racing: Farty Bum
Birthday and Bus Pass: Dark and Moist, Perpetual Motion
Short cutting: Anne, Assessayguy, Sergio, Sarah, Luca and Anna
Medal of Honour: Perpetual Motion
Cake maker: Never Cums
Returners: Lou Loup, Road Runner, Anne, Happy Hooker, Sheppard's Bush, Ann of Cleavage, Lady Ga Ga, Never Cums, Scriptease
SOW: By a landslide, the Birthday boy himself, Perpetual Motion, who is clearly showing signs of aging, when he couldn't finishing a bottle of beer without spilling most of it all over himself.

Then it was Party time!

Following a dip in the pool and some scrumptious nosh, we had the cake cutting ceremony, followed by a rendition of Hashy Birthday, together with a champagne toast. The Hash presented Perpetch with a supply of good quality red wine to wash down his pasta with. Padre then performed an impromptu mime wearing little more than a posing pouch, which aroused Farty Bum and Madame Mouton so much that they jumped fully clothed into the pool to cool off.

A big thank to Margaret, Malcolm and Perpetch for being superb Hosts and laying on such as wonderful spread.

Walkers Report

This summer had so far been cooler than average and all the locals say "after the 15th August it storms and cools down" - summer of 2011 decided to do the opposite. So having booked in for Perpetch 60th birthday party with food weeks ago, I decided to honour the commitment even though I knew it would be extremely hot.

We assembled under various sections of shade at St Paul en Fôret village centre parking, waited and waited and unusually the start was delayed by 30 minutes, not like the military precision of Perpetch this.

Perpetch was hare for both walkers and runners and we set off down the road and onto a track, some flour, but no clear idea where to go. Perpetch was actually setting our trail at this point and he directed us down a track marked "sentier du lac", which sounded promising, and it was, shady, breezy and all around a lovely looking lake, we believed (or some did) that due to severe heat we would be spared our usual Perpetch gruelling army cadet type trail.

Just like the August weather, the prediction was wrong again, we turned off the lake trail, got lost as Perpetch had not yet marked this section, got back on the correct trail with his help and headed on and up, with no shade - then we approached a huge "big dipper", so christened on similar one that Fly Me and I use for our Hash at Pegomas, it's a big down and up again, but this one we found out when we had all finally scrambled to the top was in fact a double dipper. Like the economy our hearts sank at the thought of going through all pain again, and in full sun.

At this point several walkers had to rest, some were heard to say they could not continue and thankfully Tosspot came to the rescue by knowing of an alternative route round to avoid the 2nd severe climb. We waited around to regroup then set off up a steady ascent rather than a very steep ascent, progress was slowing up, we could only go from the occasional shade an odd tree provided to the next odd tree, other wise we were at the mercy of the full 39c of unbearable heat and fast running out of water to drink. We finally made it to the main road, having seen no sign of life since a fisherman back at the lake.

Still no beer stop so I suggested we just simply walk along the main road back to our start point, but most walkers by now were in a bad way, so Happy Hooker, Dark and Moist and myself set off along the main road. Phone calls were made to ask for cars to be dispatched to ferry those unable to carry on with this Libyan desert type war training. No one answered, no runner could be summoned. Eventually I got hold of Confusion back at the house who eventually got hold of Contessa, Virgin Mouth and Farty Bum who had somehow made it back to the start where she found Perpetch. 2 cars were sent out on a mercy mission and 3 of us passed them just as we were entering the village.

Grateful to be back, and amazed to find out we were before the runners and that this was actually the beer stop and not the end, we slumped on the floor under tree shade and tried to drink something cold. It was cold but it was beer and wine, thankfully the village fountain provided drinking water so containers could be refilled. Dark and Moist got into his car straight after arrival and joined the other 2 cars out searching for distressed Hashers.

In dribs and drabs both walkers and runners either got ferried back by cars or staggered in. I thought the walkers would be labelled wimps and whingers but no, the runners looked to be in far more trouble as Tinkerbell, Sadist and Iron Lady all looked close to collapse. Everyone had simply run out of drinking water.

Second half route was promptly cancelled and we followed one another in a car convoy to Margaret (Perpetch's sister) and Malcolm's villa and their pool was invaded by Hashers in various stages of swim wear, undress (Cmore pussy changing in front of everyone), and some even fully dressed - in an effort to cool down and quickly as possible. The 2 resident blondes thought it looked great fun and joined us all in the pool, unusual for Golden Retrievers to be able to climb out of pool using the steps!

Once suitably cooled down to an acceptable body temperature, the circle and down downs began with Padre back in charge as RA. Perpetch was awarded a medal, military style with flags and ceremony and Hash sins on route were recorded and down downs were administered to suit. Shit of the week was between Jobsworth for photographing riot torn shops in Manchester and Padre, but there could only be one candidate really, and it was for his smaller sin of starting the Hash 30 minutes late, not trying to drastically reduce Hash members by killing them off one by one.

Then the excellent food was served and the party began. Never Cums and Lazy Gaga arrived with a wonderful military style 60th birthday cake, home made especially for Perpetch and this was served up with champagne later back down at the pool. Padre finished off the party with a military army/navy toilet sketch which was excellent, and it's good to have Padre back in the fold again.

A big thank you to the simply wonderful hospitality of Margaret and Malcolm for allowing the Hash to invade their home and pool, and providing delicious party food at their expense.

Since Sunday a heat wave alert has been issued in the Alpes Maritimes, word must have got back to the authorities that Mad dogs, Englishmen and Hashers do actually go out in the mid day sun, and warnings were issued to avoid any unnecessary exercise in extreme heat conditions, don't worry I will in future!

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R*n 676: NEXT HASH 4 -Sep

Nom du Hash: Olivier virgin Hash

TOSSPO cel. +33 628271500

Adresse du rendez-vous: 7 chemin des Saquédes, Résidence les vignes de ma mère, 83120 SAINTE-MAXIME

Meet 10h30 pour 11H

En venant de l'autoroute A8 prendre sortie Draguignan Saint Tropez, puis direction Saint Tropez Sainte-Maxime, dans Sainte- Maxime au 3 ème rond point prendre direction centre ville au 4 ème rond point laisser le Mc Donald sur la droite et prendre la rue juste en face de l'entrée de celui-ci sur la gauche direction "sentier du Quilladou" flèchage à partir de là.

On On sur place puis BBQ.

Prière contacter TOSSPOT pour le nombre de participants merci.

meet 10.30 for 11.00

take the exit " draguignan st tropez" from the A8, direction "st tropez st maxime ",at the 3rd roundabout take the direction " centre ville ", and at the 4th roundabout, pas Mc Donalds on your right and take the exit opposite the entrance to Mc Do, marked " Sentier de Quilladou "
Hash markings from there?
address of the meeting :
7 chemin des saquédes, residence les vignes de ma mere 83120 saint maxime

on on will be a bar b q so call tosspot on the following no if you don't want to starve to death:

06 28 27 15 00
if you don't speak any french just tell him you'll be at the ON ON and give a name