RIVIERA HASH TRASH 666
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Farty Bum & Virgin Mouth
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A big Thank You
I would just like to thank all of those hashers who sponsored my 10K run and donated to Cancer Research UK. I really, really appreciate it.
If you haven't donated and you'd like to, it's not too late, just go to: www.justgiving.com/Ailsa-Emmott.
Thank you. Never Cums
The Devil's Own Run
It was a beautiful spring day in La Napoele, unquestionably the finest weather for the Hash this year. Arriving as the witching hour approached, I had no problem locating the Hash: milling around a small dead-end round-point were a group devils dressed almost entirely in red, most in Hash-provided T-shirts, many with red horns to celebrate the occasion, and devilish prickforks to prod us on. Getting lost would not be a problem: just follow the red.
Stand-in RA, Perpetual Motion, all skin-and-bones, impersonating the Devil Himself, marched up and down-down with appropriate scowls, invited the Hares to point the way. The runners took off through the Devil's Own playground with the golf course on one side and a yacht harbor on the other, on a quest to retrieve a group of errant Irish arriving by train to join the pack. Perhaps, unremarkably, they had no trouble finding us!
Cutting between several fine terraced restaurants filled with future candidates for the lower regions, the runners wove through the backstreets of La Napoele, and ascended some interminable Dantesque stairs toward, but reaching top, discovered that apparently this was just the main access between levels 7 and 6, and were startled to see a large coven of red-clad walkers residing there, apparently due to their relatively lesser sins - or who had somehow been secreted to the top without breaking sweat or wind. I will say that I have never seen so many horny women in one place in my life, and enjoyed lusting after the bits of tail which protruded out from whatever else they were wearing (except of course for Prestress whose properly circumcised tail generally rose out in front him!)
Rising back into the hills toward the Fifth Ring, we ominously tripped over the carcass of a seriously dead fox, and knew we were heading for trouble. The runners, of course were sent up on a meaningless loop geared to give the walkers some breathing room. This was the first of many devilish detours provided by our walker Hares, Dark & Moist, Happy Hooker, with full complicity of the running hare, Golden Showers.
A bit further down-down the road, the runners were again directed up a long hill leading to a giant X signaling a down-back-down. On the descent, one of our Irish visitors, Pubic HairDresser, slipped and fell on her bum, painfully smashing her wrist on the rocks. Later when offered help in the loo to lower her knickers, she refused, demonstrating that her wrist had survived crash , but it was observed that she had cracked her ass.
The path descended continued along paved and unpaved roads in the nether regions, (with, of course, more useless detours for the runners). The road was officially marked as "voie impracticable" - and indeed it was. It gradually rose into a broad canyon with a spectacular quarry, populated with loudly croaking French Frogs (no pun intended). Wetspot ventured over to see if they were Hashers, and took the opportunity to echo an On-On throughout the valley.
Gradually ascending along a beautiful cascading little river, the runners were again directed off onto another loop. To my knowledge only Supermarket Trolley and one daft Irishman took the bait. At the point where the loop came out, we were already 8K into the run - without that loop - and the beerstop still several K somewhere in the distant mountains. By this time, the runners' tongues were hanging out, almost all emulating walkers. At the time, as we strolled along I commented to Prestressed that it was a sad commentary that the runners were having a hard time keeping up with Dark & Moist.
A switch-back up a hill and then roller-coastering up and down a couple more kilometers to meet the road to the yacht-storage facility tucked back of town, and thankfully, the beerstop. The walkers had, of course, greatly out-paced the runners, and were all busily munching chips when we wandered in. There was generally a lot of sitting knackered Hashers going on.
Following the appreciated pause, the runners were directed back up a road to the right, which had been visible an hour before - zig-zagging to the top of the mountain in the opposite direction of which we knew to be the way back to town. I grumbled to Hare Golden Showers as we lagged behind the others, that this had to be another one of their hellish punishments. Indeed, she admitted as much and we turned back, leaving the others to find discover the error in their ways.
Most everyone knew that the road led directly to the beach; along the way, however, a kicked-out check point indicated that runners would be again directed straight up a high hill. This was apparently the True Trail, and I failed to convince Golden Showers further punishment was unnecessary and unwelcome. Being a hard-ass Devil, she stayed behind to coax the runners to the top. I don't think any took the bait, not even Super Market Trolley who was later given a down-down for short-cutting - an act clearly against her nature.
The rest was touristy through the harbor and along the beach filled with frolicking French who marveled at our costumes, and thankfully after what must have been 15K, the Devil's punishment ended and a boisterous Circle commenced to celebrate the event.
The Hares, of course, and as it turned out, Saddle Sniffer was also announced as a ½ Hare since to escape boredom at home, she rode her bike around some of the trail. I'm not sure she laid any flour, but she did get a down-down as she which refused to drink out of one her Cinderella boots (had she been a full Hare, she presumably would have had two shoefulls.
Returnees: Smelly Pooh, back after an absence of six years Down-Down under missed us so much she came back. Unfortunately, her Aussie language has improved. She was also celebrated for being a fake runner - something she presumably learned in Aussilandia, but was good news to the dwindling running troops. Other returnees included Sneaky Bastard and Jingle Balls for no particularly good reason; Wetspot for being gone as usual; and maybe a couple of others.
Virgins: Mariah dragged along by No Grappa; an Irish lad introduced as Susan (which was also proposed as his permanent Hash Name); and Avril who celebrated by losing her virginity on her birthday.
The Sick, Lame and Lazy award to Pubic HairDresser for her tumble and Dire Rear, presumably for her Dire Rear.
Dire Rear and Toss Pot also redressed themselves in appropriate devilish garb for the Circle. Hers included a Muslim head covering which seemed to offend a whole variety of cultural norms.
All the Irish, with an additional nod to Wedgie for pretending to be a Riviera Hasher by turning up more more than Wetspot.
Saddle Sniffer and MerryDick shared an entwined down-down to make up for a tiff no one heard. Whatever it was, it wasn't serious as they amicably sat next to each other at dinner.
Then toward the end of the Circle, three Hashers from Bristol turned up, and were chastised for taking the entire day to get to the Hash.
A competition ensued for the best-dressed Devil between Dire-Rear and Toss Pot, Dark & Moist, Prestressed, and Perpet. It was never clear who won, and I don't think anyone much cared: they were all appropriate endowed.
And in conclusion the inevitable Shit-of-the Week: since Sneaky Bastard was remarkably well behaved, Pedo was immediately enlisted for wearing a warty mask and being his obnoxious self. Wetspot was invited as a competitor when he frivolously suggested that the bright red color glowing on the RA's horny hairpiece could have been avoided with sunblock; and Wedgie, who was accused of being a racist. Being the guest, he, of course won knees-down-toward-Mecca, applied by Virgin Mariel.
Needless to say, this frivolity took quite some time, and at the conclusion, for the first time in recent memory the entire group marched off together to the restaurant a couple of blocks away, and continued the celebration.
Many thanks to the Hares for opening new territory and organizing a truly enjoyable Hash.
ON-ON Your attentive scribe, WETSPOT
Swish Nash Hash 2011. 1 - 3 July
Eurohash 2011 in the Hague, 27th - 29th May 2011
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Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 667: NEXT HASH 17 -Apr
14:30 for 15:00
LOCATION: A parking lot in Cagnes-sur-Mer near the railway tracks.
HOW TO GET THERE:
Get to the Bord de Mer in the Villeneuve Loubet / Cagnes-sur-Mer region. You are all so clever that we are not going to tell you how to do this.
Once you are on the Bord de Mer:
If you are coming from the Antibes side, you will pass in front of the hippodrome. At the end of the hippodrome, get into the turning lane and turn LEFT onto Boulevard Kennedy. (You can't turn right; that would take you into the sea.)
If you are coming from the Nice side, you will turn RIGHT onto Boulevard Kennedy, just BEFORE the hippodrome, at the large intersection.
Sadist, Cumalot, Madame Mooton, Jobsworth and other people coming from the Vence area: Sorry, you will just have to drive down to the hippodrome and then turn around and drive back because we are not going to spoonfeed you every step of the way.
Once you are all on Boulevard Kennedy, you will be driving along the SIDE of the hippodrome. Keep going to the end of the hippodrome, stop at the red light, then cross the RN7 and keep going straight ahead. You will see the railway bridge ahead of you in the distance. When you arrive at the bridge, stop at the red light, then drive under the bridge and keep going straight. You are now beside the parking lot. You have to advance a short way to get to the ENTRANCE to the parking lot. There is a red light just at the entrance, so when you see it, you will know you are there.
NOTE: You only have to turn TWICE -- once off the bord de mer, and once into the parking lot.
Turn into the parking lot. Don't worry if it looks full -- it's very large. Drive through into the second section. We checked three times last Sunday, and the second section was never full up to the back. If it should happen to be full, however, there is a third section straight across the lane at the back. If the second and third sections should happen to be full in spite of our precautions, then we will shoot ourselves, and the hash will be cancelled.
06 33 76 79 74 - Note this is Virgin Mouth's number.