RIVIERA HASH TRASH 645
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Trail des Alpes Maritimes, 19th September 2010.
Nice-Cannes marathon 14th November 2010.
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Hares; Toss Pot assisted by Paedophil with catering by Dire Rear. (The new Mrs.Toss Pot) More later.
We eagerly arrived at the run venue, expecting to be the only ones in attendance given that Paedophil's instructions to the start point were minimal, to put it mildly.
"Find the lake in the Vamasque"
Thank you Planet Earth, Google and G.P.S.
Not surprisingly no tourist / visitors manged to locate start and we were therefore left with the usual suspects, plus the smiling faces of Big End with Voyeuse and Moo with lastly, Padre in tow.
Dirty Dingus had left his car keys behind when he departed for his Hash meeting in the Sates and Sud Sucker was able to find the start and inform us we had to find a replacement Religious Advisor for the day.
As previously mentioned, Padre happened to be in the car park and Prestressed rapidly volunteered him to stand in for the A.W.O.L. Dirty Dingus.
Nothing changes, Padre as officious as ever, that is a polite way of saying, Pain in the Ass, gave a piercing whistle announcing a two minute warning. Two prompt minutes later the Hares are giving their special instructions. Nothing changes. There being no deviation from normal procedure, that is Paedophil taking more than five minutes to say everything is exactly the same as at the start all his previous runs and that the start is in the direction he was pointing.
A surging bunch of keen runners, (keen?) immediately lept into action across the car park. jostling for position, only to be instantanly confronted by the first check.
The pack went left with Sadist and Sud Sucker leading the way with Padre stating, "This is the way to the cannel".
Perpetual Motion decided everyone was going the wrong way and struck out on his own at 45* towards the woods, pleased to be out front . At the next check Sud Sucker was heading Sadist by a short head and the two of them immediately headed down to the cannel without breaking stride. Meanwhile, Perpetual Motion had just discovered a large cross and was heading back to the check to start the catch up process. i.e. HE WAS NOT SHORTCUTTING!
Even though Padre had not run a Hash for about ten months he had lost none of he renown sneakyness and was observed allowing runners to pass him going down the hill.
Just when the last runner was level with him, Sud Sucker and Sadist abruptly turned around and started back up the hill from the cross, meaning Padre, Wuff Diva and Fly Me were the new front runners.
We were just arriving back at the check when Perpetual Motion hove into view allowing him to join the front runners once more.
The trail continued around the lake where Toss Pot had ensured we had a truly wonderful, Tiger Lilly, floral display and then towards the surreptitious cross, which Perpetual Motion had previously inspected but pulled up short, by a check, placed just before reaching the cross.
(If you did not run the Hash it is worth making a visit just to see the Lillies.)
Although, as this report is now two weeks late, they may have died by now!
Now we were heading firmly into the woods, as per the Hares plan, with a myriad of trails and all thoughts of a cooling dip in the cannel cancelled.
From here to the Beer stop it was, check after check, with each junction containing more choices than a French cheese shop which keet everyone on their toes, not wanting to be left behind and having to "do" a check on their own. This is where Sud Sucker was observed, being excessively competitive and BLATANT SHORTCUTTING, just to be up front.
The Ladies Walking Brigade (L.W.B.) was eventually noticed, just ahead, further up the trail and so a little spurt was called for, only for the leaders to meet the Forest Troll, in the shape of Paedophil, gleefully waving a flour container and instructing us to turn of the trail and go down the hill.
Another largish, convoluted loop with Super Market Trolley, Prestessed and Wet Spot, among others, all taking a turn at the being a Front Running Bastard (F.R.B.)
Eventually,after 65 minutes of running (running?) we overtook the L.W.B., just a few hundred metres short of the Beer Stop.
Expert planning, aided by us missing flour on the trail, which slowed down the pack and kept us, more or less, together.
At the much needed Beer, ohps, refreshment stop, Moo, Big End's granddaughter kept everyone entertained by constantly referring to Padre as, Granddad. Quote,"If she wants to be six, she had beter be careful".
The second half was just the first half, run backwards. And boy, is that hard on the knees.
The official reason for this, as explained by the Hares, is they figured we would find the second half too long if they laid a fresh, "In Trail". The unofficial reason, I figure, is Toss Pot and Paedophil were not able to figure a new way back through the woods. When they laid the, "Out Trail", they laid flour until they hit a road and this was then the designated Beer Stop.
Padre, who has set more than half a dozen trails in this section of woods, used his insider knowledge to lead perpetual Motion back to the start by a more direct route, while Sadist and Sud Sucker continued their duel with more competitive running.
Padre and Perpetual Motion were enjoying their second beer when the first of the runners, No Satisfaction, hove into view up the finishing straight, closely followed by a perplexed Sud Sucker, unable to comprehend how she was so far behind.
However, she was soon joyously expressing her delight in her ability to lose Sadist in the woods.
The runners continued to straggle in with the walkers in near proximity. First runner to penultimate finisher, about ten minutes. We were about to start the circle when Sadist struggled in with the mandatory bits of skin missing from his knees and other locations on his body. He would not divulge what he was doing in the woods to obtain such injuries.
Padre opened the circle stating he had been asked by Prestessed to be guest R.A. but if anybody wanted to avail themselves of the honour the floor was theirs.There being no takers we were stuck with him.
Please forgive me if I miss a few of the Down Downs awarded but my memory is not so good as I attempt to type this more than a week later.
Hares; Toss Pot and Paedophil
Nuptuals; Toss Pot and Dire Rear
Calling "Origina", Erotigina or was it Orgasmagina? No Satisfaction Birthdays; Paedophil and Toss Pot
Short Cutting/ Not Shortcutting; Sud Sucker/ Perpetual Motion. Suffering from Ipoh Glissa Me, (Sadist confirming she had not run with the Ipoh Hash in Malaysia) and wearing her pyjamas. Mud Wrestler
Returners;Padre, Big End, Voyeuse, Moo, Wuff Diva, Mud Wrestler, Alex, Little Pinkie,Mme. Mouton, Idle Bitch, Fairy Plunger, Wet Spot, Fly Me, and Supper Market Trolley.
Non Returners as proposed by Sadist as he needed a beer ; Paedophil,Toss Pot, Dire Rear, Mad Max, Farty Bum, Virgin Mouth, Perpetual Motion,No Satisfaction, Sadist,CumCum, Prestressed, Confusion, Dancing Scrubber and Sud Sucker.
Sorry if I missed anyone or have you in the wrong department.
Lost Property; A baseball cap stating he had crabs,Claimed by Wet Spot. ( I would have kept quiet about that one)
Virgin; Nico. He was asked, at the Beer Stop, if he liked beer? His reply? "LOTS".
So, for his Down Down he was given two beers. He then reverted to type and started to drink like the Frenchman he is and complained he could not manage two at the expected speed. This is when his girlfriend, Alex, Paedophil's daughter stepped into the circle and revealed she had inherited her fathers Genes. No, I do not mean she was looking for sheep but she took one of Nico's beers and demolished it for him, before he could finish his.
Down Downs finished,they promptly swapped beer flavoured spit. UGGHHH!
These two are not married so we had the a glimpse into the future to see what happens when you marry and asked Mr.and Mrs,Newlywed, still on honeymoon, who had ignored each other all afternoon to come out for their Down Down. Toss Pot and Dire Rear.
Shit Of The Week Nominations;
Wet Spot for suggesting Big End has a name change. One she and the rest of the Hashing universe has been happy with for the last twenty years. A big No NO.
Fairy Plunger having a liberal shoe covering of the stuff. Labradors apparently.
Padre for Child abuse. Pouring beer all over his Granddaughter's head
Dire Rear and Toss Pot for setting a bad example to all the single Hashers.
And after a recount Padre was declared winner. "How are they supposed to learn about life, if you do not pour beer over them?"
We then proceeded to have another Hash trail but this time in our cars. It would appear the catering section failed to liaise with the run/walk section. However, we all eventually managed to arrive at the picnic site where members of the L.W.B. were firmly ensconced with their plates piled high.
This is a universal Hash constant, according to to experienced international Hashers who have observed;
The speed at which a person obtains their food, is indirectly proportional to their speed on the trail.
I think they secretly store all that hidden running ability and unleash it when runners are not looking.
The new Mrs. Toss Pot A.K.A. Dire Rear provided a sumptuous spread catering to all eclectic taste and Mr.Toss Pot proved to be an excellent Somelier and kept everyone fully furnished with Champagne.
Big thank you to all concerned for an excellent afternoons Hashing and picnic.
ONON to the next one.
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 646: NEXT HASH 22-Aug