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Le due Contesse e la doccia dorata

« From San Remo to St Tropez, Riviera HHH ! ». We haven’t heard that bit of self publicity on Riviera Radio for a while, but it is a pretty good summary for Contessa’s annual Italian jaunt. (By the way, am I the only one who is irritated by Rivera Radio publicising more music & less talk? Shurely the point of an English language radio station is in the talk; if I want lowest common denominator musak, I have plenty of choice elsewhere......mind you, I guess that they would drive 99.9% of listeners away if they played my muzak tastes. So I should shut up on that subject before digging an ever bigger hole for myself.....)

Contessa was very happily surprised by the healthy turnout of over 20 hashers given that San Remo is many kilometres away from the hash centre of gravity. She should not have been surprised, because San Remo is a great place and her hashes are always known to be quirky – in the good way!

It was a credit to hashers that most arrived early to the start, allowing them to participate in a mid afternoon Italian breakfast of cappuccino and croissants before the day’s exertions. Two Cheeky was heard to comment that Italian croissants are “dégueulas” because they dare to change a time honoured French recipe of butter – and occasionally chocolate – by adding marmalade. Welcome to the other side of the frontier!

And so the hash started only 10 minutes late, which is kinda un-Italian; surely an Italian hash should be seriously late, not just a bit late? Walkers went one way down the beach whilst the runners went the other way towards Genova. Contessa had been concerned by the sparstity of runners as she knew that Dingus and Prestressed were away. She should not have been concerned, because they were replaced by such irregular athletes as Cumalot, Wuff Diva, Hash Tache, Jobsworth....and new runner Golden Shower.

After a short while running along the beach, we found the beautiful new cycle path and proceeded to cause mayhem by running between families trying to enjoy a Sunday bike ride. The hash was marked by plenty of flour, the occasional check....and then nothing. Such was the fate to befall the runners after turning back towards the West. Common consensus was that the trail would go inland, so Perpetch checked one way, Sadist another, Cumalot as well...and the other runners decided to take the opportunity to mark the check and yap.

After 5 minutes of fruitless checking, the trail was found to revert to the walkers trail on the beach. At this point, Cumalot decided that he had had enough exercise for the day and decided to explore the delights of joining the walkers for a while. At the same time, Jobsworth’s phone decided to ring; being a polite sort of chap, he answered the call to find Klingon on the other end. Unfortunately, this call was slowing down his highly competitive running style, so he passed Klingon to Cum Cum....and never saw his phone for the rest of the day. The bill will be reinvoiced.....!

Anyway, after the false expectation to go inland earlier, the trail finally did just that. It led through the beautiful centre of the town and then through the sometimes beautiful and sometimes very smelly old town before winding uphill to an old church. A very devious check here was belied by Pedo lounging against a French registered Clio. Turns out that it was a beer stop. The runners gratefully took on board liquid, but less gratefully took on board the damn Twiglets that refuse to disappear. Everything was tried including feeding them to the pigeons, but even they refused to bite.

After a while, walkers were sighted but bizarrely they took a good 10 minutes to arrive; it seems that they went inside the church to admire the architecture. Alternative theory is that they decided to do a mass confession (no pun intended) and that they overwhelmed the local priest with their mass sins. Meanwhile, outside the church, Golden Shower (or doccia dorata) was commenting on how pleased she was with her new name until all the guys pointed out that it was the name for an eccentric sexual act. Talk of the golden shower dominated the rest of the hash. What is very strange is that every male hasher claims to know what one is, but not one single female hasher had heard of it. Jobsworth even helped them by explaining how to perform said act (coz a friend of his used to like it, ahem), but still nobody bit. So this bodes a question – what sort of sex act is it when all the guys know and no women know.......is it false modesty? C’mon girls, don’t be coy, own up!

Beer stop over, the walkers took a head start en route to the second beer stop at Contessa’s beautiful apartment. Runners held back for a while before being set off the leash to catch up said walkers. The run went a different way through the town until eventually winding up on the top floor of a beautiful apartment block. The view from the top was glorious and we were humbled to find ourselves in the company of a real Contessa, not our hash wannabe Contessa. It turns out that they had met in a restaurant and hit it off thanks to their names. Glad to see that the Italian aristocracy turns a blind eye to imposters and dirty, sweaty hashers. Many thanks to our incredibly well heeled hostess for a beautiful break.

Unfortunately, after an all too short beer stop, it was time to set out on the third half, The official trail went back through the shopping streets of San Remo to assist hashettes to spend their money on beautiful Italian shoes or the like. Sadist and Jobsworth, being uninterested in such stuff, headed back to the start down the cycle path. This allowed them to chat with locals on the state of BMW car design as they waited for the shoppers.....

Finally, the pack returned to the start, minus Shepherds Bush & Ann of Cleavage, who decided to set off early to allow them time to sandbag their beautiful Var home against the forthcoming storm and flash floods.

The circle formed under the auspices of stand in RA Cumalot, who tried and sort-of-failed to attach a very beer stained flag to himself as a Kimono.

(Un)fortunately I did not take notes about the circle awards, so the following truths & untruths are formed from a hazy memory:
Hares – Contessa & Pedo for an excellent hash
Returners – Whores In, C More Pussy, Others.....
Virgins – don’t remember any
Peeing in full view of everyone – Jobsworth
Golden Shower non believers – all the wimmin
Birthdays – there were some
Sh*t of the week went to Whoresin for prioritising the World Cup over the hash. Second place went to C More Pussy for trying to stop him and a very limp third place to Sneaky B for not being there.

Circle over, it was time for those that remained to go to the restaurant with both Contessas and a real life Opera singer. Definitely a different kinda hash. Contessa – thank you!
Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

Look left
R*n 642: NEXT HASH 27-Jun
15:00 for 15:30
The normal carpark between Biot and Valbonne.
Coming out of Biot towards Valbonne, after the last set of traffic lights the road goes up and then down, back up again, bends round to the right and as you come out of the bend there is a car park on the left and a car park on the right, park in either depending on which direction you are coming from!

These instructions are brief due to the fact that this was a last minute thing. If you want anymore instructions, phone Pedo on: 04 93 74 96 71/06 14 76 38 23.

This hash will be a light stroll around the Brague, so bring bread for the fish if you wish.