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Jobsworth for the runners
Dark & Moist for the walkers

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Have your say-got an opinion? Give it to me and I’ll publish and be dammed

Never Cums

The U.K. Nash Hash 28/08 – 31/08/09. Organised by Edinburgh HHH,
Details here.
Porquerolles Weekend 18th - 20th September 2009
Brief details here.



 In Memoriam Carol Mortiboy



So. Farewell

Then Carol Mortiboy.


Was your hash name.


You always loved

To arrange a party

And to wear a fancy costume.


So I expect you will be there

At the Pearly Gates

To welcome us

With a glass of champagne.


And you will have the wings,

The harp  and the white  robes  

Ready  for the

Heavenly Hash House Harriers

White Dress Run.





Contessa’s military precision strike on Bordighera

The hash started solemnly – for a hash – with an ode to Knicker Licker, who gave a frankly pathetic excuse of having passed away as reason not to join us in Bordighera. Some people , eh ?
Nevertheless, it started in the only way it knows, being to toast her with some pretty vile cocktails and assorted other drinks and with a Group rendition of the hash song. Beats a 2 minute silence…..
Respects paid, the hash was ready to start. This was Contessa’s second trail in 2 hashes and, as expected, she refined the expertise gained the previous time. So precise was her hash, in fact, that she had it typed out on a piece of paper that was purloined from her and reprinted here.

I fully approve of such precision when planning a hash, especially in Bordighera. But, and this is a big but, the best planned military strike will fail if the soldiers fail to bring their weapons. And so it was that the flour trail did not actually start from the, er, start. To be fair, this was a town hash and it is notoriously difficult to stop locals, especially Italian locals, from eliminating the trail. As a result, Contessa introduced the mother of all weapons to the hash – Pedo.

And so it was that Pedo set walkers & runners off down to the beach to admire the many attractions of Bordighera . Tosspot was very impressed by the statuesque topless visions on the beach, but a hash is a hash and it waits for no man or bathing beauty, especially after we had finally found the flour courtesy of Pedo.

Flour found, the runners separated from the walkers and soon found themselves heading inland and upwards. And upwards. And upwards…..Little Pinkie impressed everyone by showing his newly acquired fondness for running and becoming an FRB. Well ahead of No Satz, in fact !

At the top of the hill it was time for a regroup. As we waited, an apparition came from the opposite direction. It was Perpecth, who had the lame excuse of his train breaking down for being late. Worse, it seems that he got off the train in Ventimiglia because it was quicker to run to Bordighera than to trust Italian railway efficiency. Now that’s a military performance and all done with a heavy backpack.

This being the hash, we gave Perpetch no time to recover and headed onwards. Fortunately , he knew the way having just run it backwards. There’s no need to recount the trail as it is written in detail above. Suffice to say that it went downhill and round the cemetary, which was disgracefully vandalised by Perpetch & Jobsworth’s slack bladders.

After this it was on to the beer stop on the beach. There were no walkers, but we were joined by a gnarled Italian by the name of Vicenzo, Vittorio, Valério or something who gratefully accepted a beer. Seeing that it was a German beer (or at least a fake German beer), he was determined to find a German speaker among us. Having failed he latched on to Wuff Diva, being our Italian(ish) hasher. Having tried to woo her he bade us farewell.

This had taken up a good 20 minutes of beer stop. Time to move on, no ? Well, no – the walkers were nowhere to be seen. Unless you count the 2 who were waving at us from a road several hundred metres uphill.

Eventually the walkers joined us and the beer stop rather disappointingly concluded just 60 minutes after it started. Walkers left first, which was a shame as they had arrived so late. But the runners were told to give hare Pedo a head start. We did so, but clearly it was not enough as he found us in a park and scolded us for following the wrong trail. Apparently were were on the first half trail, but I do not remember it… !

Mistake rectified, it was a pleasant run back to the start , where the walkers were actually waiting for once ! Cold beer and wine and water was needed. Once satiated, it was time for the circle. Padre was standing in as RA for Dingus. I was very impressed that I did not need to write down the awards as Padre had already done so. Unfortunately, I have just read his notes and they do not correspond to my memory…….so here goes with a shortened version. Again.

Hares – Contessa & Pedo for a very enjoyable trail.
Various accusations.
Various returners & virgins
The Shit of the week nomination as ever starred Sneaky Bastard and , for me, it is good enough to stste that he won. Even if he did not.

Because, in the end, the only star of this hash was Knicker Licker.

Walkers Report

well how to invent an apt report............pithy helmets.........good turnout.............great location but the walk..........a cracking pace along boderga seafront abundance flour,,,,but was it a w or  was it a shakey double ended arrow        ,we opted for the tunnel inland..............the bric brac was too tempting for sneaky bastard........our cheer leader hare was cajoling the  bargain hunters........... it a hash not a wi outing......so un peturbed we went to old axiomms and a rarity for walkers followed the flour...........steps shortness of oxygen   for the masculine walkers...........however happpy hoooooker and no name estella were still able to have vorcifierousss opinions regarding the few steps to the sky...........on and on    not on on they went........they thought the v was for vicious hare not view point,,,,,,,,,essex girls.........big end took on her sheep dog  pathfinder role..........kicked circles square so we had no option but to follow all the  interesting terraces rather than go down hill..........it seemed we had a breakaway quaisi run moan  walking american faction..........i tried to say women and child first but no such luck we had to go down hill............past the cemetry .beer stop ......where r the wankers,,,sorry the sneaky bastard party?? contessa .away with the fairies in the cemetary..............beer ,breeze, then firmly behind contessa we were led to the circle and the best restaurant value ever..................merci to the hares..............dark and moist............. ps if its not funny any more its because hooker has butchered my bad spell ing!!!!!!!..........  

From an anonymous source

"" Contessa" maintained her usual high standards and located a superb local eatery, in the tourist area, serving ethnic foods but, most importantly, at non tourist prices.

"Perpetual Motion" has been know to observe in the past, that generally speaking, the individual members of the ladies walking brigade consume more per head than the runners, even after a 90 minute run. (ED:Good thing it's only the head and not the whole body,) 

We digress.
The amuse bouche was a typical tomato and garlic paste, spread on delicious, thin slices of bread.

The primo plato was spaghetti with cream sauce, bacon bits, onion and garlic.
Secondo plato, spaghetti  bolognaise.with a truly wonderful ethnic sauce. Just as my mother used to make said "Confusion". The Italian nephew munched in agrtement.

Thirdo plato, seafood plato.  As "Two Cheeky" was heard to say,"See food, my favourite.
See food and eat it."

The maino plato was a escalope Milanese ( Veal.) Served with a melange of vegetables, French fries for the gourmets and chips for the Americans and Brits.
There then followed a short intermission where "Sadist" lead the cabaret for the entertainment of the locals and the assembled masses then proceeded to put their all into "Knicker LIcker's" favourite song, "Monday is a Finger Day"

Returning back into the food,  a wonderful, fruity desert, covered with oodles of additional calories, causing "Big End" to lament the lack of running on her behalf, as she didn't have quite enough space to squeeze in even the smallest morsel..

This of course was all washed down with copious quantities of magically refilling carafes of white or red wine,  unless you are called "Padre", when the accommodating owner tried to test his capacity for free beer consumption. (ED On to a loser there then!)

The sloshing of alcohol certainly had it's effect as, "Nigel No Name" refused "Skinny Ah Soh's" sultry advances and the need for a soothing massage and he went into full Kenneth Williams mode and said he could not do it. or words to that effect.
"Padre", ever the gentleman, stepped into the breech, figuratively speaking, and gave her one.
v "Nigel No Name" said he needed pills to do that, whatever that means??????

It was observed that Shepard's Bush has taken on a new body shape, with a couple of love handles appearing which he reportedly put down to the side effects of Viagra and  he then proceeded to give Madam Mouton a full blooded massage. (ED:My advice is, when on the next Hash, keep moving!)
Back to the more mundane.
Tasty Italian espresso coffee, followed with a choice of Lemoncello or a very unusual, sumptuous chocolate speciality.
You could spot the chocoholics by their dark, brown moustaches and that was just the women. 

And this was all I was able to observed from my end of the table, so unfortunately I can not enlighten you as to what the reprobates at the other end were up to.

It was good to see "Die Hard" (aka Kelvin Kliene, I saw his name on his underpants) and "Cheerleader" visiting us again, all the way from the US of A, also along with their son, who was just a bubble in the Kelvin Klien's the last time they were here. 
A good time was had by all and special thanks to "Paedophi" and especially  "Contessa" for a very enjoyable afternoon.
Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

Look left
R*n 613: NEXT HASH 28-Jun

Come join us on the banks of Lac St. Cassien in the eastern Var and experience the wild natural beauty and vistas of the region, the pristine waters of the lake and a lakeside picnic prepared by Skinny A herself. For those so inclined swimming is a real option in the unpolluted waters of the lake, and the picnic will take place on a tree shaded meadow next to the Fondurane Nature Reserve.

Please bring picnic blankets, folding chairs, picnic tables, etc., etc. to ensure your comfort, and to assist in the catering, please book by the evening of Thursday 25 June, at a REDUCED PRICE of course. Bookings to prestressed@gmail.com.

This appears to be Padre and Big End's last RHHH Hash for some considerable time (we've heard that one before though), as they will be travelling half way round the world to manage a remote Caribbean island, so please attend to give them an appropriate send off. 

Start Time: 10h00 for 10h30

Picnic Cost: If booked by Thursday evening 25 June: €10 for paid up members; all others and late bookers €13, subject to availability of nosh. Plus the usual run costs. Please book with prestressed@gmail.com.


From A8 Autoroute

Take exit 39 Les Adrets, Direction Fayence. After 3.5kms, at 25Km stone turn left and immediately right at signpost for the Bois de Callian restaurant.
Park approximately 100m on the left.

From Grasse or Draguiginon 

Take the D562 to Montauroux and at the roundabout, take the D37 Direction A8 After 5km turn right and immediately right at the Bois de Callian restaurant sign Park approximately 100m on the left.


Prestressed, Fairy Plonger and Skinny A