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Never Cums

DIVAHHH Champagne Weekend 2009, Friday 27th - Sunday 29th March 2009
in Reims, France Party in style in the Champagne Region!
more details here
The U.K. Nash Hash 28/08 – 31/08/09. Organised by Edinburgh HHH,
Details here.
Porquerolles Weekend 18th - 20th September 2009
Our annual Porquerolles weekend staying at Balambra VVF, Presqu’ile de Giens, near to Hyères and Toulon is on once again, from 18-20 September.

The weekend includes a whole Saturday of Hashing on the beautifully unspoilt and very special island of Porquerolles, with two beer/lunch stops in idyllic coves. As tourist motor vehicles are not allowed on the island, the beer and lunch stops will be supplied by motor boat, and there will be ample opportunity to take a dip in the pristinely clear waters of the Mediterranean.

In addition there will be Hashes on the Friday evening and Sunday morning on the mainland.

All meals up to and including Sunday lunch will be provided, with unlimited serve yourself wine at mealtimes. If that’s not enough, there will be ample stocks of beverages available at the beer stops and circles. Our piece de resistance is however, Padre and Big End’s always open bar. It remains open for as long as anyone is partaking! What more could we want you may well ask – there’s a champagne reception on Friday afternoon, and cocktails after Friday’s and Saturday’s Hashes. And even more – Disco Dave complete with brand new cabaret acts on Saturday evening.

This weekend always proves popular, and places could be limited, as the resort is filling up fast with other groups and seminars.

To ensure participation, and avoid disappointment, please get your bookings in as early as possible.

Cost if booked by 31 May: €189 per head based upon 2 sharing.
Reservations: prestressed@gmail.com

Brief details here.

RHHH 21st Birthday

We all gathered at Auribeau sur Siagne's car park for the Hash's 21st. Birthday Walk on a lovely sunny clear day. Cum Cum and Fly-Me couldn't have organised better weather ! Lots of people there and almost as many dogs!! After going down a few steps,  the walkers climbed up to the most beautiful panoramic setting where the mimosa was still in view and although not as vibrant in colour, still looked  amazing.

Soon the runners were catching us up, having already run through the village up a fairly large hill! There were shouts of " professional runners coming through" but we never did see them!! [ sorry Pedo! ]...

We continued around the edge of the hill and down through a very pretty path back to the road where 3 of us [ yes , I was guilty of talking too much and not looking for flour! ] ended up following , like sheep,  Sadist and No Satisfaction and doing a small add on of half an hour! After realising that no one else was with us apart from Alison, John and Disco Dave who had done exactly the same as myself, Kate and Polyandra, we watched the leaders disappear over the horizon and got back to the beer stop feeling a little sheepish!! Big End had made a delicious birthday cake which washed down rather nicely with champagne ...almost no need for lunch but we still managed! We then moved on to feed the local donkeys, miniature ponies and deer with carrots provided by Cum Cum and returned to the car park where the runners were already in position. The circle was formed with lots of down downs.....

The Hares...Cum Cum and Fly Me for too many dogs,sunny weather, lots false trails, too much mud , fizz and cake!
Injured Hashers...Sadist for doing his Road Runner impression, Too Cheeky for injured leg, Eric with no name for bad back,Knicker Licker for falling over and hurting arm and No Satisfaction for bad back.

Big End...for sparkling new shoes! However she did point out it was International Womens Day so everyone should be nice to us girls!! Knicker Licker...reported a crime...heard John say " have you chopped the end of your knob off?" but apparently it was about a carrot to feed the donkey...Padre sang to him!! 

Harley Davidson... took the flack for all the dogs. So Padre and Dingus sang again!

Contessa...for modelling the small t shirt the wrong way round! Sadist and No Satisfaction.. for leading the walkers astray with  Happy Hooker, Polyandra, Kate, Alison, John and Disco Dave also in!

Pedo.. for conducting blatant commercialism and philanthropy during circle! Idle Bitch ..for the lovelorn! losing handbag and hoping to find love! Fly Me... presented with her new tankard...

Pedo.. for not bringing bin bags, for not paying attention and just for being Pedo!

Jingle Balls, Knicker Licker and Harley Davidson.. for being "mugless" Virgins...Jorgen brought by Fairy Plunger, Melanie with Tidal Dave , and Jane and David brought by Polyandra.

Shit of the week... Dingus for not giving a down down to founder members on the Birthday!

....Phew.. think thats all of them... sorry its a bit long winded!! We then went off to "L'Ideal" Restaurant where a good time was had by all. Many thanks to Cum Cum and Fly- Me for a well organised walk and meal.

Cheers...Happy Hooker

P.S. Does anyone want to see all these photoes of Jingle Balls with every Tom , Dick[!!] and Harry in the restaurant??!! Sneaky Bastard, I can be bribed!!! 

Report from Anonymous

Our illustrious Hares, Cum Cum and Fly Me, sent the walkers off down the narrow footpath, at the rear of the car park and then instructed the “others” to leave the car park in a direction of  180 degrees to them.  Both in compass direction and altitude direction.  

This had the purpose of giving the runners a grand tour of the quaint, medieval, village with all its rustic charm. Short work ensured we were soon exiting the narrow streets, but thinking it was fortunate the walkers, ( henceforth L.W.B.)  were not doing this section as they would want to stop and admire all the quirky things L.W.B.’s  stop and admire and which the F.R.B.s do not.  

We had our spy, Sadist, suitably disguised with a false nose  and wanking with a limp,  (his arm being in a cast and for those of you that know, his Wednesday finger out of action) in their ranks, with the view of reporting back to us later all the arcane details of this parallel universe.  

Yurgun, a virgin, was under the tutelage of Padre and was being reminded to slow down as we had another hour to go, but his enthusiasm knew no bounds, well until the third check that is. I digress.  

The runners were now on the L.W.B. trail and the reason why they were sent off first was readily apparent. There was no space to overtake.  

 The runners arrived at their second check which was a choice of some serious up, or a fairly long false trail, along the contour and then some vicious down, which Perpetual Motion volunteered to check out for us.  

Padre indicated to Yurgun that he was indeed running a false trail and it was at this point he lost both his sense of humour and any trust he may have had in Padre.  

I think he may fit into our group, as he quickly figured out, at this point, he had to be nice to Fly Me, or failing that stay with Paedophil, if he could put up with the verbals.  

Back at the check once more and the serious up was started, with Fly Me way ahead,  almost wetting herself with the glee of sending us all the wrong way.  

A short distance up and around the second bend, the tail, (in the English sense of the word and not American) of the L.W.B. was visible. By the time we reached the top, all runners were in front of all L.W.B.s  

At the next check, Dirty Dingus took over the mantle of running the long Falsie, out onto the road, whilst Sud Sucker and Perpetual Motion turned off at right angles, down into the undergrowth, together. (???) Tidal Dave and Padre, looked at the odds and decided Dingus was going the wrong way, but probably wanted the extra kilometers to aid his marathon training.  

Tidal and Padre were able to lure Prestressed and Big End, onto the right trail by shouting, ONON loudly, but the others were left to the Hares to point them onto the right trail.  

At the top of the hill all the runners were together, looking down and admiring the stragglers being well shepherded by Sadist in his lollypopman’s dayglow vest. Unfortunately for them, he was obviously beguiled by their salacious gossip and totally failed to notice the right trail had been previously marked by the runners, or, he was just testing to see how far he could take them before anybody would notice.  

The runners then sensed the beer stop was nearby, probably at the bottom of the hill and adjusted their speed accordingly. Just a short distance along the road at the bottom and the beer car hove into view. Q.E.D.  

(See walkers report for this bit)       

From here it was a gentle run in, unless you are Yurgun when it was the second half of his marathon.  

  Big Kiss to both the hares, thank you for an enjoyable afternoon and keeping the Pack together.    

Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

Look left
R*n 605: NEXT HASH 22-Mar

(or possibly “RUGBY DEFEAT”)

Meet at the Eglise St Marc at the top of the village of Villeneuve Loubet, 14:00 for 14:30.

This run is replacing Spare Rib’s annual Easter Egg run, so we assumed it was Easter Sunday. But on checking the calendar it turns out NOT to be Easter Sunday, or even Palm Sunday. The big question is, what are Virgin Mouth and Farty Bum going to do with the tons of Easter Eggs they ordered from the Easter bunny? Will they gorge on Easter eggs alone, or will they SHARE THEM WITH THE HASH? Come to the run and find out!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: There is a large puddle in the woods. It may be dry by Sunday, but just in case, in order to avoid heartbreak, don’t wear pretty shoes. Repeat – no flip flops, bedroom slippers, heels, oxfords or new white runners. Sturdy old boots would be best.

How to get to the church from the bridge at the entrance to Villeneuve Loubet (on the RD 2 / RD 2085 – route de Grasse, Roquefort-les-pins):

Cross the bridge and drive straight ahead through the village, through one (or maybe two) sets of lights, past the big trees lining the road, until you see before you a green corrugated metal wall. This is just before the road veers to the left to go through the tunnel.

Continue straight ahead, into the road (marked ‘église - cimetière’) beside the green corrugated wall, and follow the road up, turning sharply to the left, then the right, and passing under an arched foot-bridge. After another sharp turn up to the left you will see a sign indicating “Route de Puy – Eglise – Cimetière” sharply to the left. Follow this narrow road up and onward until you arrive at the church. Alternately, if you’d rather avoid the narrow road, don’t turn left here but continue to the right around the base of the hill (along the stone wall surrounding the chateau) and then turn left up the broad straight road at the back of the hill, also marked “Cimetière - Eglise”. This will take you to a spot slightly past the church, but there is lots of parking here (just above the cemetery) and you can walk the short distance back to the church.

How to get to the bridge at the entrance to Villeneuve Loubet:

1. From Valbonne, Roquefort, Grasse: Drive straight down the RD 2085 until you arrive at the roundabout next to the bridge.

2. Autoroute from Nice, Monaco, Italy: Exit 47. Drive straight ahead, direction Villeneuve Loubet village – Roquetfort – Grasse (ignoring the roundabout on your left at the exit from the autoroute). Past the greenhouses, straight through second roundabout with the cavalier statue. Next roundabout is at the bridge.

3. Autoroute from Cannes, Antibes and points west: Exit 47. (Note: NOT exit 46 (also marked Villeneuve Loubet) which will take you out by the pyramids of Marina Baie des Anges onto the bord de mer.) Repeat: Exit 47. This gets you onto the RN7. You immediately cross the bridge over the autoroute. At the first opportunity to leave the RN7, take the exit to the right marked Grasse – Villeneuve Loubet village. This will loop down under the RN7. Continue straight ahead, past the first roundabout on the left (do not use it), direction Grasse – Roquefort – Villeneuve Loubet village. Past the greenhouses, through the second roundabout with the cavalier statue. The third roundabout is at the bridge.

4. Pénètrante from Vence, St Jeanette etc: Turn right at the MacDonald’s and follow the road up, to the left, to the roundabout with the new metal statue of three people in a circle with their hands joined above their heads, outside the Villeneuve tunnel. From this roundabout you can do several things, but the easiest to describe is this: Go through the tunnel and straight through the village, exit the village over the bridge, go round the roundabout and come back in over the bridge. Follow the top directions up above.

You can also get onto the back road up to the cemetary from this tunnel roundabout, or go round by the farm, but I’m not going to write all that down.

5. Bord de mer from Nice / Cagnes-sur-mer: Pass the hippodrome, go over the bridge, pass the flags, the traffic lights and the Géant Casino supermarket. Another set of lights halfway along the supermarket. Get into the turning lane in front of the gas pumps and before the Quick, and turn right. Drive past the Feu Vert and the side entrance to the supermarket, go around the small roundabout and up the hill (direction Texas Instruments, Villeneuve Loubet Village, A8), past the Camping Hippodrome, up to the stop sign at the top of the hill. At the stop sign, go to the left (direction Nice – Antibes) and then right (direction Nice) onto the RN7, immediately crossing the bridge over the autoroute. Follow directions #3 above.

6. Bord de mer from Antibes: After the pyramids of Marina Baie des Anges get into the turning lane on the left for people going up to the autoroute. It’s a complicated turning with two parts to it and two sets of lights. Turn, passing Quick on your left, then the Feu Vert and the side entrance to the Géant Casino. Continue, following directions for #5 and #3 above.

7. RN7 from Antibes, Biot etc. After Laperre and Atlas and the traffic lights at the big intersection, you’ll be crossing the bridge over the autoroute, and the rest is the same as #3 above.

That’s it, folks. Anyone who gets lost following these instructions will be automatically nominated for Shit-of-the-Week.