RIVIERA HASH TRASH 600
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DIVAHHH Champagne Weekend 2009, Friday 27th - Sunday 29th March 2009
in Reims, France Party in style in the Champagne Region!
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The U.K. Nash Hash 28/08 – 31/08/09. Organised by Edinburgh HHH,
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Porquerolles Weekend 18th - 20th September 2009
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The full moon haggis hunt


This year, the clouds that pervaded in the days before and after the annual haggis hunt gave way to warmth and sunshine for a midday start in Grasse. Odd, then, that it should have been a full moon hash. All is revealed in the picture below, which also confirms what some (Sudsucker allegedly) always thought – that the sun shines out of Dingus’s backside…..



26 January is Burns Night/Day/whatever. To mark the occasion, hash members old and new met outside McDonald’s in Grasse to the accompaniment of the sound of a sheep being strangled in a car. Oh, hang on, that was Contessa’s nice touch of authentic bagpipe music. So authentic, in fact, that several hashers turned it down on occasions.

It was wryly observed that Padre & Contessa had chosen McDonald’s as the start point in honour of the Scots. Unfortunately, this observation was shot down in flames by Confusion (real surname MacDonald) who pointed out that Mc is Irish and Mac is Scottish. So there. Unless Mr McDonald was an Irish immigrant from Scotland before starting to flip burgers Stateside. But I digress just a little from the matters in hand.

The swollen crowd was breathtaking. It turns out that people who have not run with us for many years were coerced into attending in the misapprehension that this was also the 600th run. Alas they were wrong, regardless of what statisticians might think. All will be revealed in a few weeks time…..

And so to the start. Padre promised just a tiny bit of a hill and the pack took him at his word and decided he was referring to the slope out of the McDonalds car park. Well, it went flat for a while….and then down….and then straight…..and the up…..and down again for those of us who were checking out the first check. For others (such as Pedo) it did no such thing. In fact, it represented a nice time to catch breath after, I don’t know, 3 minutes of running. Trail found, the pack ran uphill through a housing estate that has been hashed so many times that the locals have all sold up & left in protests at their Sundays being destroyed by some disrespectful sods.

Once through the housing estate we had an interesting dilemma. The trail could possibly go 2 ways, one of which was marked by an “X” on a manhole cover. Prestressed solemnly explained that this was paint & not flour (something that would repeat on the second half) and advised everyone to ignore it…….and also ignore the distinct absence of flour on trail. More fool these souls. They picked up the trail a short while later but missed a very pleasant loop.

This marked the point where the pack split up. Up to then, walking runners such as Cumalot were doing a grand job of keeping ahead of FRBs such as Perpetch & Dingus and ex-FRBs such as Looloup. From now on, men were men, the rest followed and some simply straggled.

The trail carried on through more houses and down some steps on which your scribe slipped & fell a**e over t*t, a fact which would serve him & No Satz very well shortly after. The run looped round and 5 minutes later No Satz commented “these steps loop familiar” just as Jobsworth confirmed her suspicions by slipping over again in exactly the same spot. Groundhog moment of the day.

Retracing our steps we found co-hare Contessa at the arrow leading the wrong way stating that Padre had “obviously forgotten to rub it out!” Glad to hear that co-hares don’t shirk their responsibility.

From here it was a very pleasant leg stretch to the beer stop, ably aided and abetted by Wuff Diva recounting her Italian bricolage/DIY/Fai da te adventures in her country pile and hash Tache reminiscing about life on the run before Wuff Diva dedicated her life to said bricolage.

The beer stop was in a mercifully warm and sunny place and allowed walkers & runners to regroup & regale each other with their tales. The second half started for the FRBs with a very long falsie because they did not believe that Padre would set the trail through an athletics track, on the basis that this would reflect competitive running, which as we all know is strictly forbidden on a hash.

But it was Padre’s hash, Padre’s birthday and Padre’s haggis afterwards, so he decided he could do whatever he wanted. So he set the trail through the athletics track. Having suitably fooled real runners training for the 2012 Olympics that we were also serious, the trail found its usual rhythm on the other side of the track.

A very nice run brought us to a mud cakes building site below the Penetrante. The trail went up to the fencing on the side of the road and through a tiny hole in the fence. Now, Padre is fit as a fiddle but he’s also quite tall. The small hashettes struggled to get through the hole, although the larger males did so with agility & grace prompting the hashettes to cry foul & claim that the hole was getting bigger. But in any case, my theory is that Padre was aided & abetted in setting this devious trick by his long lost tiny Cambodian cousin.

Having negotiated the Penetrante, the pack streamed into a field filled with more mud to sully Padre’s house at the On On. We diligently followed flour to follow an arrow over a stream – negotiated magnificently by Tache the dog – only to be off trail again. It turns out that the hash gremlin had been out again painting arrows that were nothing to do with us. Tsk, tsk!

Thereafter I remember very little beyond trying to keep up (and failing!) with Dingus & Sudsucker as they sprinted back to the cars as a small extra preparation for their forthcoming mega marathon year.

And so it was that everyone reassembled in front of McDonalds. By this time we were joined by the Grasse youth cavorting and blasting their music. Suggestions to blare the Scottish bagpipe music were rejected on the grounds that 2 awful rackets do not make a right.

The run came in at around 12km if you believe Jobsworth or a bit under 10km if you believe Prestressed. No matter, Padre insists that the route is all of 5km long without falsies…..so a good time of sending us round the bend was clearly had by him!

And so to the circle. This was a big affair due to the affluence of incohol (sorry, people) and went something like this:

Hares – Padre & Contessa
Scots & honorary Scots – Confusion, Iron Lady, Padre & Sudsucker (quite why she made it I did not catch!)
Non Tartan – Perpetch (a diehard for this category), Idle Bitch, Jobsworth, Iron Lady (my notes say it so it must be true despite the previous down down!), Ann Summers, No Satz, Tidal Dave, etc, etc……..
For walking instead of running, even with the feeble excuse of being ill – Supermarket Trolley
Film critics – Barry “Farty Bum” Norman & Jonathan “Cumalot” Ross
Running Walker who also led other walkers astray – Dark & Moist
Padre’s Oscar acceptance speech (complete with real tears) – Thanks to Wuff Diva for the whisky, Ann Summers for the veggie haggis & Sneaky Bastard for the real haggis
Stretch t shirt award – Contessa, with a down down to Sneaky Bastard for following her for all the trail
Returners – Looloup, Ann Summers, Lumberjack, Tweedle Dum,Iron Lady, Choirboy, Mother Theresa, Bender
Mugless – Tweedle Dum, Looloup, Prestressed. Special mug abuser award to No Satz for having the most distended mug ever seen on the hash.
Virgins – Stephanie & bashful Suzy
Honorary Chinaman (as today was also Chinese New Years Eve – year of the Ox, you know. Turns out Padre didn’t!) – Padre
And finally the shit of the week nominations started with Pedo proudly presenting the hash with a new lifelike turd to be given to the winner each hash. It’s very good but I give it a lifespan of 3 months…….
A second present was given to Sneaky Bastard, being a “get out of jail free” card allowing him to avoid 1 of his inevitable wins at this discipline (many thanks to Tidal Dave for the nifty artwork on the certificate)
  • Farty Bum for Sartorial Elegance (as opposed to Eloquence)

  • Padre for failing to know his Chinese years

  • Pedo for chatting up young girls (bit of a lame nomination given his hash name!)

  • Prestressed for deliberately nominating Sneaky Bastard for no reason

  • Mud Wrestler & Dire Rear for yapping without pause for breath

  • Long & Hard for alcohol abuse


And the winners were……..Mudwrestler & Dire Rear

Circle over, it was time to drive in convoy to Padre’s country estate, where the hashing cooks had excellently planned for food to be ready on our arrival. Sadist made his usual toast to the haggis. Now, I have attended the haggis run more times than I care to remember and I have never understood Sadist’s toast. I thought it was because of an Englishman trying to be a Scot & messing up the accent. Turns out I was wrong. I have now read the toast and it is absolute gibberish…..which poses a question: “Why the heck is Mr Burns so popular?”. Nobody can argue that he makes any sense surely? Or am I just being a miserable whisky hating Sassenach who doesn’t get into the swing of it? (Answers on a postcard, please).

No matter, the hashers devoured the absolutely excellent food on offer. We had lost some of our crowd after the run (Blob, Bendyminge & family come to mind), but they were replaced at the on on by Disco Dave (resplendent in his kilt – apparently he is from the Norfolk clan), Alliso & John. Two Cheeky also turned up on crutches after a nasty kneecap injury sustained whilst trying to impress everyone with her dance moves last Friday.

And so it was the end of another excellent haggis run. Real gratitude & appreciation to Padre & Contessa for haring, Also to Big End for the spread and for all other people who helped but who I have

Upcumming Events
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R*n 601: NEXT HASH 8-Feb