RIVIERA HASH TRASH 581
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The U.K. Nash Hash 28/08 – 31/08/08. Organised by Edinburgh HHH,
Marathon Bhutan, 7th September 2008
What the heck is going on here?
Prestressed & Jobsworth, forget your swanky Polar foot pods; Dingus, your Garmin sat nav wrist brick is sooo last year. Incredible Hulk shows the lot of you up with his new slinky Garmin exercise watch. Not only that, he has also downloaded the trail & elevation/speed stats onto the run report, meaning that you can have a welcome diversion from this drivel.
As you can see, Padre stepped into the breach to set an impromptu hash for those who did not make it to Piacenza. The route was a drunken & horizontal figure of eight; low point about 140m; high point 300m and average speed best not admitted to.
Padre did a great job of persuading a handful of hashers to meet in Roquefort les Pins on a day that Météo France promised would tip down but was actually quite nice. Indeed, being unsure as to the response, he managed to bring Incredible Hulk from Hungary, dragged Procul, Harley D & Lady Windermere from their Sunday relaxation and even persuaded Peter of No Satz fame to run a hash for the first time. This, as we will later see, was an unfortunate decision.
Before the start, Padre made a big issue of live haring; he then downgraded this to a proper hash (but without much flour) & insisted that it clocked in at only 5.5km. In order to reinforce the pretence, he created a new rule that the FRB should carry the flour & return to the check to re-mark the trail for the benefit of everyone else. Eh????? we all thought.
Instructions over, off we went, but not on the only part of trail laid by Big End, much to her chagrin. It seems that Padre cut out the one bit of help she gave him. Shame on him. After a short session on road, the flour went through a building site & up & down a slag heap. It then deviated to the sports pitch last used by Klingon a couple of years back.
It was here that the problems started. A check confused everyone. No worries, just keep looking for the flour & follow it. Oh, and please will the FRB mark the trail once he finds it. First thing first, Procul kidnapped the flour dispenser & refused to obey Padre's instructions, thereby leading everyone on a wild goose chase at every check. That problem resolved, the pack found an arrow. Which led to a cross. No worries, there was obviously a hidden check. This kept the pack (average IQ 75) scratching their heads for 10 minutes, after which they decided that Padre was losing his marbles and had accidently marked the arrow to the cross. Turns out we were right. He had hoped to take the trail in a certain direction, to be overcome by the undergrowth (no, that's undergrowth, not Cumalot & Kumz Kwicker's son).
Back on trail, we enjoyed a good while of pleasant forest running. It was too good to last, really. Deciding that hashing is too easy, Peter made things hard for himself by tripping over a tree root. Unfortunately, he then proceeded to do an impression of an Italian footballer by writhing on the ground for seemingly no good reason. When he finally got up, his little finger was bent at a 45 degree angle. He apparently has a recurring dislocation problem and asked Prestressed to yank it back in to place for him. Prestressed duly obliged, only to make matters worse. Peter now had an s-bend of a fracture in his finger. At this point, most people would be bent over in agony. Not Peter; he was more worried about the impact on his summer golf season……
This put a bummer on proceedings. Fortunately, we were near the main road and Harley D decided to charm a Sunday driver to escort Peter & No Satz back to their car. The driver looked none too convinced and seemed to be making every excuse not to do so. In the end, Harley D's charm won over and the patient & his Florence Nightingale were whisked away from the scene of the accident.
From this point in, it was an easy trot for the rest of us to find the beer. Padre promised 5.5km for the whole hash & this was eaten up at the beer stop (coz you ran the falsies, he claimed). A supposedly short second half beckoned. The 2 walkers went off & the runners decided to complicate their life further.
A Padre special wreaked havoc on the remaining brain cells. A check led to falsies in all directions. Procul realised Padre's game & decided to back check (a hell of a long way and through arrows it has to be said). The remaining pack decided that Padre could not possibly have marked arrows on 2 false trails in a day, so they stood around scratching their heads (IQ now down to an average of 60) before deciding to run through the cross & orienteer themselves back home.
This was a pity, because we were a good 3km away from the on in. Nevertheless, it turned out well as we arrived back just after the walkers & just before Procul who is clearly smarter than the average hasher and ran the correct trail.
Run over, it was time for the circle with Padre officiating.
· Given that Procul & Lady Windermere both had to leave early, Padre gave them their down downs as returners first. They then decided to stay for the whole event.
· Incredible Hulk was also awarded a returner’s down down.
· Padre for being star of the week as the impromptu hare.
· Harley D for racism (she explained the circle to the local restaurateurs by stating that it was a crazy group of Brits)
· Incredible Hulk, Prestressed & Jobsworth for being male chauvinist pigs & ignoring Big End’s directions (she insisted that she had told us all to back check rather than run through the cross)
· Padre for his new etiquette of laying arrows before crosses.
· Sh*t of the week was an easy affair. Prestressed was the only nominee for breaking Peter’s finger a second time instead of fixing it as asked.
As a footnote, Padre received a text from No Satz during the circle. When they arrived at the hospital, she was recognised by the staff as it seems that she has spent most of this year there. The staff were relieved to see that they had a new patient to mend instead.
Peter's current golf 'handicap'.
And finally: "It is absolutely not amusing in the slightest that the prestigious Abel prize for mathematics has just been awarded to Professor Jacques Tits, a French mathematician best known for devising the so-called "Tits alternative" theorem of group theory". No, can't see the funny side of that at all.
'Padre' redefines the 'live Hare' concept in the '21 century'.
The massive turn-out at yesterdays HASH captured swarming over the countryside at 'Roquefort'.
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 582: NEXT HASH 15-Jun
As a change to the usual Hash, chez nous, we have decided to hold a Father's Day Hash as follows: