RIVIERA HASH TRASH 578
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Away Weekend in Piacenza
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Away Weekend in Piacenza, 30-May to 1-Jun 2008
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The U.K. Nash Hash 28/08 – 31/08/08. Organised by Edinburgh HHH,
Marathon Bhutan, 7th September 2008
You've got to feel sorry for Perpetch. He goes all the way to Perth to win the (supposedly non competitive) ballbreaker at Inter Hash and all he gets is a measly down down at Mme Mouton's hash. Obviously upset at the lack of recognition, he volunteered to set a hash for us all to appreciate.
Fortunately for Perpetch, the hash was billed as being co-hared by El Toro and Cool Dude. Neither of these guys are known for long tortuous runs, so a decent if not large crowd turned up in Le Muy to sample the 28 degree heat and sunshine. Unfortunately, the weather eastwards along the coast was rubbish, meaning that hashers were generally wrapped up for more inclement conditions.
Unfortunately for everyone except Dirty Dingus, the hare had a trick up his sleeve. Perpetch decided to set the first half alone and let El Toro and Cool Dude set the second half. Now, it's some time since Cool Dude has hashed and he was anxious to show us his skill & cunning, more of which later. Why the mention of Dingus? Well, he obviously got wind of the tough hash (a start time of 15h00 and resto at 19h00 was a pretty big clue) and decided to settle on wimpy training for the frankly pathetic 50km marathon + event that he will be doing in Japan instead. There is apparently a 100km option but he has declined it for this year.
So, back to the start. Following the AGM last week, Farty Bum decided to abdicate hash cash responsibility this week, leaving it to Padre. Once sorted it was off up the road. The first part of the hash was deceptive. It stayed firmly on road, despite plenty of opportunities to go off. The checks maintained Perpetch's style by being few & far between but with falsies that would for other hares be a hash in themselves. Perpetch delegated a large part of the haring to Cool Dude, who should be renamed "Perpetual Sadist" due to his suggesting that every falsie be run. At first, the pack humoured him, thinking that this was just a kid's game. After a while, though, we realised that Cool Dude is a sly operator and fooled most of the pack most of the time.
After a long uphill, it was time for another check. Padre checked along the road (where the trail was obviously going according to Cool Dude) and Jobsworth checked uphill (where it was also obviously going). Both wrong, but no sweat as it allowed the rest of the pack to catch their breath and harass the walkers going past.
Regrouped, it was along a dirt track towards the crackle of weapons being fired. Perpetch is an ex army man who decided it would be good fun to lead the hash round the back of a firing range. This would have been okay were it not for Pedo finding gunshot pellets on the trail. I've never seen a pack run so fast whilst doubled up in order to get out of the way. Fortunately, we met the walkers coming the other way and figured that they would make a juicier target on account of being slower.
Panic over, Big End found the need to release the stress by watering the barren rock face. She proudly announced that she needed to find 2 big logs to help balance whilst doing "it", whilst Pedo announced he liked going "down down" at the same time.
Having scrambled over the rocks, we found the road by the A8 at the bottom of the Roquebrune mountain. The general conversation between Pedo & Road Runner at this point consisted of noting that losing altitude on a hash is not good as it means a big uphill is coming your way. Boy were they right. Meanwhile, virgin Anne, who was supposedly chaperoned by Road Runner, decided to prove that Perpetch's hashes are too easy by actually running along the road.
At this point Cool Dude came into his own. The flour was thin on the ground & he announced that we would be going uphill "somewhere" but he couldn't remember where. He fooled the FRBs by inviting them to go uphill at the first check. Padre, Jobsworth & Anne went into the forest together, but only Padre came out. This visibly angered Road Runner who was clearly worried for the wellbeing of a virgin in the company of Jobsworth. A few furtive minutes later, they returned breathless to find that the whole trail was a falsie into which they were tricked by Cool Dude.
At the next check it really was time to go up the rock face. After a while, we arrived at a fissure that was none too easy to negotiate. At this point, Big End decided "B*%%*cks to this" (or something more ladylike) and decided to return to the cars. For the rest of us, the slog continued. It would have been a great trail, were the clock not ticking and the beer nowhere in sight.
Eventually, the mountain gave way to a road. FRBs were Road Runner, Pedo, Anne & Jobsworth, assisted by Cool Dude. Padre & Prestressed were hanging behind, but not for long as the FRBs decided to run through a cross. Having rumbled Cool Dude's appetite for sending them the wrong way, they ignored his suggestions to continue, sending him on down a trail-less road. When he eventually tired of his little joke, all went back to the previous check to find that they were now the back markers. Fortunately we were nearly at the beer stop now. This was good as the first half clocked up at just under 2 hours.
Beer stop over, the hares changed to El Toro and Cool Dude, with Perpetch deciding to wimp out and take it easy. It started in the usual way, with Cool Dude insisting on all the falsies being run. Jobsworth had a lucky escape, for after running a falsie, Cool Dude came flying past with Road Runner, allowing them all to rejoin the real trail without a humungous backtrack.
The second half was very enjoyable until……we reached the Argens river. The river was deep, there was a log to cross it on but only the long legged could get to it. This posed no problem to Padre, nor to Duck's Arse (who decided to give up being a walker after the beer stop). But for the short arses it was a problem. Cool Dude led the way by jumping in the river. Unfortunately he put everyone else off the idea as the water went up to his chest. Road Runner found a bigger log downstream and negotiated it successfully only for Padre to call Jobsworth an old woman coz he suffered an agonising bout of cramp getting on to it.
Worse was to come. In an effort to regroup, the pack stayed in the valley by the river and allowed the local mosquitoes to bite them to death. This got so bad that Road Runner's pate is now scarred by their incessant attacks.
Cool Dude tried his best to force the pack to run falsies, but they steadfastly refused, instead preferring to let virgin Anne to become the FRB up the rock face. Fortunately, she was right and everyone followed. After this, the trail became easy. This was good as the second half was nearing the hour mark and everyone was knackered. Fortunately, there was not far to go and the pack returned to the cars after 55 minutes.
Total hash time 2 hours 50 & 16km with 600 metres of climb. I mentioned this to Cumalot afterwards and he was very happy to have the back/leg excuse not to have participated.
The circle was a relatively swift affair, RA'd by Padre in the wimpy absence of Dingus. If the nominations seem longer than normal, it's simply because I actually wrote them down for once rather than reciting from memory:
· Road Runner & Anne – The former for being a returner who had to leave early, apparently in shame at the fact that Anne ran faster than him. The latter for being a virgin.
· Prestressed as new GM and Sneaky Bastard as new hare raiser.
· Hares Perpetch, Cool Dude and El Toro.
· Pedo for calling Road Runner strange names (who is Terry?)
· Toss Pot & Daughter for short cutting; Sneaky B was enlisted to this down down for lack of etiquette and also using strange names.
· Returners Duck’s Arse, El Toro, Miss Kitty, Cool Dude, Martin N-N.
· Alexandre named and shamed “Long & Hard” with the Padre subtitle “I Like It”
· Toss Pot as the French representative coz it’s now official that the French concede that Brits are better in bed.
· And so to shit of the week. The nominations were:
o Perpetch for bragging about the Ballbreaker
o Prestressed for complaining in his new role as GM
o Duck’s Arse for whispering sweet nothings to his missus on the phone in the circle
o Shepherd’s Bush for being a toy boy
My notes state that Perpetch won, but the picture tells another story………
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 579: NEXT HASH 30-May to 1-Jun
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