Riviera H3: Lou Papier

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Lou Papier

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Hares go to a lot of time and trouble to set trails and organise on-ons. Please remember this before you start whingeing. If you have a genuine gripe, bring it up with everyone, don't make snide comments!

Hash directions should go torhhh@yahoogroups.com

Have your say-got an opinion? Give it to me and I’ll publish and be dammed

Never Cums

Perth Interhash, 21st - 23rd March 2008
Details here.

Xmas Party - Help!Jobsworth 6th November 2007

Sneaky Bastard & Jingle Balls are very kindly volunteering to organise the Xmas party. The provisional date is Saturday 8 December, but they are struggling to find venues. Last year's hotel has closed down (any coincidence?) so the options are to find somewhere else or to defer. Suggestions as to alternative venues are very welcome.

The sad plight of the Ready Salted Crisp

Normal frivolity is abandoned in this special run report. No schoolboy humour about hashing with Tourrettes syndrome (though anyone who hasn’t seen the mute Tourrettes e mail gag that went round a couple of years back is welcome to e mail me). Instead, I bring you a story of loneliness, prejudice and rejection with no happy ending.

As well as being your scribe for today, I was your beer master. Geoffreys of London has inundated the hash with chocs, flavoured crisps of the old variety (salt ‘n’ vinegar, cheese & onion etc) and also what must be the fried potato equivalent of those beautiful exotic blonde Eastern Europeans that now grace the UK. You know the sort; they put the locals to shame and are not only exotic & dangerous, they work for less than the minimum wage. In the crisp world it’s the same, except that Walkers Sensations are twice as expensive, not twice as cheap. Within all of this, you have the Ready Salted, which is the plainest of the plain. Will he/she ever make something of his/her life or will he/she always be passed over by a more attractive local or one of those stunning imports?

Back to the hash. Sadist had clearly done a grand job stepping into the void created by Tidal Dave’s premature withdrawal. Great autumn weather greeted what I reckon was one of the biggest crowds seen in the Riviera (outside the Porkies!) for some time. I guess that the combination of the weather, Sadist’s renown for hashes and the promise of a cheap Sunday Roast at the Relais des Coches was too much to be missed. Or maybe it was the call of the Ready Salted...

The hash started promptly due to time restrictions for the resto. The walkers went their usual way, but the runners were immediately flummoxed by a check with no trail. Up, down, along the dangerous main road – nothing! Jobsworth tried an impasse, but Mad Max solemnly told him that it could not possibly be that way because impasse means dead end. Hmmm, Max clearly doesn’t know Sadist very well.

In the end, the trail went back to the car park and out the other end. And up. Oh hell. This is going to be another Spare Ribber. Or is it? Fortunately, the uphill was short lived and the checks kept us on tarmac and then downhill towards the forest that separates Tourrettes from St Paul & La Colle sur Loup. Great, thought Big End, time to reacquaint ourselves with hashes of the past.

The myriad checks were keeping Perpetch back with the pack, although Sadist would have the last laugh just before the beer stop. But something was up. Big End confidently went down a trail into the forest, only to find out that it was a falsie. What the heck?

Sadist, the devious so-and-so had obviously decided to keep the trail on road. Shortly afterwards, Padre stopped all runners in his vicinity and ordered them to stand on a wall to admire a monster size plant pot inside a large garden. You can tell that he’s affected by his day job. Either that or he was really staking the property for an armed raid later in the week.

Perpetch was having none of this and steamed off into the distance. More fool him, as hinted above. The first half had been a fantastic leg stretcher, but it was now pushing 90 minutes & Cecile in the Relais des Coches would have her rolling pin out if we were late. Consequently, Sadist cut out the last 2km loop and directed the runners to the beer car just as all the walkers were arriving.

Unfortunately, Pedo & Dire Rear were bringing up the rear & were not witness to Sadist’s last minute flour change. As a result, Perpetch was very happy to run the extra mile (or whatever) and arrived at the beer stop only a few minutes late. Pedo, Dire Rear (and Bozo) were not and did not.

The beer stop is where we resume the sad tale of the Ready Salted Crisp. Knowing that they will never be eaten when the more attractive fayre is available and knowing that too many carbs would ruin the appetite before Sunday Roast, I decided to tempt fate. Whilst the beer car was full of booze, softies & chocolates, I deliberately did not put any crisps other than the Plain Janes in. The Caribinieri in Italy reported that they heard the crescendo of complaints as far away as Ventimiglia.

Now listen here, hashers. Firstly, Jamie Oliver would be proud of my healthy eating intentions (although it was reported that locals were handing out more appetising snacks, just like Jamie’s mums passed burgers through the school fences at lunchtimes). Secondly, there are now fewer Ready Salted to get rid of next time and thirdly, didn’t the Roast taste that much better for it?

Anarchy over, it was time to head back to the start point. Except Toss Pot was not moving. He showed a steely determination that would have been remarked upon in a less hurried circle. He was absolutely not moving until Dire Rear completed the first half safely and without any signs of Pedo having abused her or Bozo. So Toss Pot stayed with the beer car, which Knicker Licker had kindly offered to drive back with C More Pussy kindly offering to accompany her in case she got lost.

The second half was a speedy affair, especially if you were a runner who ignored the FRB signs touring the back of the village and instead ambled the 200 metres along the main road to the car. I think that only Perpetch, Padre, Prestressed and myself finished the actual route.

Back at the circle, the crisp selection was miraculously complemented by flavours from all over the world. The circle was going to be quick in any case, but an intervention by Cecile & her rolling pin shortened it even further.

Memories of the down downs are murky (even after checking with Padre), but here goes:

  • Sadist for an excellent stand in trail
  • Sneaky Bastard nominated Toggle Oggle to be shit of the week because she does not hash much due to (a) finding another Sunday hiking club and (b) preferring the Eastenders Omnibus to both
  • Sneaky B won himself the inevitable nomination for having to ask Padre for Toggle Oggle’s name after nominating her
  • Which also earned Prestressed a SoW nomination (or so say Padre’s notes!)
  • Knicker Licker as a token antipodean in respect of Padre’s newspaper cutting about the "dim?" politician who asked in parliament about the need for legislation regarding dihydrogen monoxide. Which, as Perpetual Motion rightly pointed out, is water.
  • Whoresin for creeping up behind fillies
  • Many virgins, returners & visitors
  • And so the the Sow. In addition to the 3 miscreants mentioned above, Mud Wrestler was nominated for trying to kill her husband with junk food; Pedo for getting lost on the first half long cut and then compounding the charge by denying that it was just to be alone with Dire Rear and that it was for the sake of physical exercise.
  • With a hole digging exercise like that, only Pedo could possibly win. And he did.

Circle finished, the Relais prepared itself for the biggest and sweatiest rabble it had ever seen descending on it on a Sunday afternoon.

Upcumming Events
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!

R*n 564: NEXT HASH 18-Nov

Contessa's Balzi Rossi Run & Walk - tel 06 15 06 92 15
co-hare Pedo

Join me in for an enchanting afternoon of magnificent vistas on ancient hidden and forgotten paths overlooking the sea at prehistoric site of Balzi Rossi (Via Julia Augusta) on Nov 18th at the border where France meets Italy.

Directions: Drive the A8 , Sortie Menton, wind your way down to centre ville, bord de mer, dir. Italie. ( or drive bord de mer to Menton). After crossing the frontier (now abandoned passport control) into Italie, immediately on the right side you will see a parking lot, with the sign to the Balzi Rossi and archaeological museo. Run starts here in the parking - 13:30h for 14:00. * (Do not drive into the tunnel or you've gone too far). If the carpark is full, park on the frontier ( often camping cars park here) or along the road. For your convenience, there is a shop, cafe across the street and petrol station.If you arrive in advance, consider visiting the museo and prehistoric cave drawings).

Train travel option- to Menton Garavan (arrives Sunday 13:13 and 13:51) Return by train from Ventimiglia station toward (Fr trains leaving.19:30, 20:14, 23:32).
*You will need to get a lift from Balzi parking to San Giuseppe.

The circle will take place by sunset at 5pm. The restaurant has agreed exceptionally to allow us to start the 3 course Italian dinner 5:30/6pm.
The Restaurant is in Ventimiglia, on the beach. 'San Giuseppe'. at the Marina San Giuseppe'. 6 kms from the Balzi Rossi parking.
To arrive at San Giuseppe, drive from the Balzi Rossi parking into Italy, along bord de mer towards Latte, then when coming to the 'V' turnoff before another tunnel, stay on bord de mer dir. 'Alta Citta' and at the bottom of the long curving road make a careful Left into the tunnel for Marina San Giuseppe. (Mare) then a Left again to the end of the tunnel. San Giuseppe resto will be the last on the Right on th beach. Plenty of parking. tel +39018434169. Cost of dinner €20. includes vino, (not coffee).

* walk not suitable for bambini buggy but for strong footed parents with baby on back it would work.