RIVIERA HASH TRASH 539
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Hares go to a lot of time and trouble to set trails and organise on-ons. Please remember this before you start whingeing. If you have a genuine gripe, bring it up with everyone, don't make snide comments!
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Africa Nash Hash, 16th - 18th March 2007
25 Years of Hashing in the Hague, 27th - 30th April 2007
Prestressed's Mid-summer Party/Hash, 23rd-24th June 2007
Euro Hash, London, 13th - 15th July 2007
IAH2007, Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, 31st August - 3rd September 2007
Blue Danube H3 River Cruise, 9th - 16th September 2007
Porquerolles Away Weekend, 21st - 23rd September 2007
A dog’s delight from Harley D
It’s that time of year when spring is nearly in the air, animals are coming out of hibernation and humans are sprucing themselves up to strut their funky stuff on the beach in the sizzling summer months. Harley D accordingly set a beautiful trail among the beautiful mimosas and – guess what – God went and messed it all up by sending the iciest wind that we have felt in this globally warmed winter.
Freezing, that’s what it was. Perpetch had to climb 500 metres uphill on his bike to get to the start and the sweat had turned to icicles by the time he made it. Which was late. Which was not noticed as he was not as late as others.
As always, Harley D did a sterling job of organising her hash, to the point of bringing friends who would normally be doing something sensible on a Sunday morning, such as descaling their kettles. She informed us about the route of the bike race (with a little help from Perpetch); she ensured a warm welcome; her forgetting to mention how far to drive down the D309 was absolutely forgiven, but she did not mention the 2CVs.
There were a lot of them. Every time I thought I have passed the convoy, more came. At one point, I felt that they were on a revolving conveyer belt. Magnificent in number if not in nature (sorry, I prefer minis myself), they totally slowed everyone down in trying to reach the start. Worse, co-hare Pedo was absolutely nowhere to be seen.
And so, having stressed the hare, the hash started 15 minutes late. This was still too early for No Satisfaction who still managed to arrive late. Women. The walkers walked straight along a track flanked by mimosas, whilst the runners ran through checks, over a river, through gorse bushes and….back to the start. Fiendish (absent) co-hare Pedo was having a laugh.
The runners started off again, this time on the right trail. A fiendish check slowed us down until Dingus found the trail – on the far side of a crevasse & river to the rest of us. Rather than going back to the check it was deemed easier to risk life & limb and negotiate the river.
Now, we haven’t seen Supermarket Trolley on a hash for several months, due to lame excuses such as work & house buying. As we all know, she is a seasoned road runner, so getting torn up in brambles and wading through rivers was right up her street. It’s only a guess, but I reckon that it could be a good few months before we see her again….
Back on piste, No Satisfaction had caught up with the runners and was delighted to point out that there were even later comers than her. Walking in front of us were Whoresin & Cmorepussy *2. Apparently, they had another lame excuse for being late. Something about consoling Pedo with alcohol the night before because his beloved Wales had lost to France in the 6 Nations.
The trail became normal for a while, until the runners caught up with the main pack of walkers. In fact, we knew they were close as we could hear Cum Cum yapping from miles away…..However, a problem arose. A check with nowhere to go but up & the walkers trail going the same way.
This was the most vicious uphill staged since, well, since Harley D’s hash 1 year ago in the same area. The one where Cmore Pussy realised that flip flops & steep hills didn’t combine well. Gulp.
So, on & up it was. Even Perpetch, Padre & Dingus gave up running after 20 metres. The rest of us didn’t even bother trying. Goodness knows what the walkers made of it. I suspect that even Cum Cum stopped talking for a while to conserve breath.
After a very long time, we linked up with Sherpa Tensing towards the top. Wait, no! It wasn’t a sherpa, it was an apparition. It was Pedo in his Freelander, complete with stubble and stinky breath from a night on the tiles (though he should be used to Wales losing by now).
This was good news. It meant that the beer was close. It didn’t stop Sudsucker & Big End foolishly following Jobsworth up another big hill to a cross, but it did improve morale.
As the runners made their way to beer, Bozo found a friend and so starts the sub plot of this hash. A friendly cocker spaniel took a liking to Bozo & even more so to the crisps & booze it found in the beer car. The runners were very hungry & thirsty and devoured lots of food. And waited. And waited. The walkers were seriously behind.
Eventually, the crisps & beer were gone & only Farty Bum was there to represent the walkers, so off they went (stray cocker in hand – well, in tow), leaving Pedo & Jobsworth to do the honours for the walkers. Finally they dribbled in, scavenging what was left of the food. The first walkers left for part 2 until finally the stragglers arrived, in the shape of Cum Cum (still yapping), Cmore Pussy*2 and Whoresin, desperate for sustenance. But it was all gone, bar some really out of date crisps…..
However, a bigger problem had developed. Harley D had persuaded some friends to join the walk. It had gone really well until they lost their beautiful Husky dog Penelope (Cruz, not Pitstop, I think). No suggestions from Pedo that they take the stray Cocker in return were enough. They absolutely had to find Penelope. And to do so, they needed assistance. But the assistance was more interested in beer.
Finally, one decided to retrace the route backwards, whilst the other accepted Jobsworth’s lift , not realising that his ulterior motive was to see if his X3 could really go off road or if it was just a Chelsea Tracteur. Jobsworth started the trail for the beginning, going through the ruts with gay abandon, all the while with shouts of "Penelope" yielding no result.
Just as he contemplated that BMWs (not so) finest engineering would not be sufficient to go up the vertical mountain, Dingus appeared. No, he wasn’t training for the Nice Half Marathon by doing 2 hashed in a day (though it surely helped). Penelope had not been absconded by Dick Dastardly and had, in fact, meandered back to the start and was waiting for her owners. Phew. Panic over.
And so it was that Pet Rescus © returned, expecting to have totally held up the Circle. Not a bit of it. Farty Bum was again the only walker anywhere near close to finishing, so we had to shiver in the cold and decide what to do with the stray Cocker now that Penelope & owner were reunited.
Finally, having decided that we are not Korean and, more importantly, having found a reserve supply of crisps, it was decided not to eat the dog. Instead, its owner was called to fetch it.
But still, the walkers kept straggling in. This gave No Satisfaction time to discover a further problem. A flat tyre. No hoodies were around with knives (well, I don’t think that Big End was holding a knife), so the explanation seemed simple. Fortunately, Pedo was organised as ever (in the car department, not the co-hare department) & had a mobile tyre inflator, whilst Jobsworth lent his pressure gauge to ensure a big, bulbous bit of rubber under No Satz’s car.
Enough. Walkers were still missing, but it was brass monkey weather and the resto deadline was close. Time for the Circle. Down downs went to:
Hares – Harley D & Pedo
Dog Loser (& new dog friend) – Dire Rear
Solicitation of a mobile blow job from Pedo – No Satisfaction
Flower Power – Contessa & Knicker Licker
Riviera (mis)Reporting – Prestressed
Late Cummers – Whoresin, Cmore Pussy & daughter
Deflowering & rooting – Cum Cum & Friend
Birthday Returner – Supermarket Trolley
Mugless – Jobsworth, Anne of Cleavage, Perpetch & Pedo
Showing off her computer enhanced airbags in a newspaper – Contessa
Virgins – Pat, Dominic, Georgina, JP, Josie, Carole & 2 whose names I didn’t catch (apologies)
Shit of the week – It could only be between Harley D & Perpetch for the various trail misdemeanours. Clearly, Perpetch won.
It should be pointed out that the owner of the stray Cocker arrived mid circle. Goodness knows what she made of a group kidnapping her dog & then drowning it in beer. I suggest that we don’t hash again in Tanneron for a long, long time.
And so the hash departed for the resto. I don’t know what happened to the threatened cycle race, but I do know that it would have been much quicker than the 2CV rally. A big thank you again to Harley D & Pedo & Onon to Big End’s big birthday bash.
A few photos from the Porquerolles French Nash Hash 2006
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 540: NEXT HASH 11 Mar
HAPPY 19th. ANNIVERSARY
With celebratory bubbles and calorifically enhanced gateaux.
RUN NUMBER 540. 1130hrs. for a Prompt 1200hrs. start
Sorry for the delay, but we needed to ensure all our P’s were in place before we Publish.
The run will take place in, around, up, down and through, the ancient village of St. Anne on the outskirts of Grasse. Time stood still?
IF YOU WANT TO EAT YOU WILL NEED TO BOOK WITH BIG END!